Tony Hurls Bologna, Gives Up Salami

tony los tiger

August 9, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Can we send the Two Tonys back? Is there a warrantee on them?

Watson is the latest Tony to implode, as he coughed up a game-clinching grand slam to put the Snakes ahead for good last night. Final score: Arizona 6, Dodgers 3.

Hey, they might as well test out the Tonys now…do you think they’ll “award” the Dodgers during the playoffs?

Look at you with the laughs, “Tony Award”, yeah, we get it…

Who’s hurling tonight?

Alex Wood will try for win number 14. Pampered scribes report that his whiff factor has waned and he’s not hitting hypersonic speeds anymore…this could be through lack of a good breakfast…it’s a good thing that Tony the Tiger was also nabbed before the deadline!

Two Zacks In-A-Row?

Yeah, first Godley and now Greinke…uh-oh…we sense a Zack-In-The-Box joke coming up…

Damn you! I was building up to that…

Zack’s showbiz, baby!

When did this become the “dad joke” blog? Sheesh…Hey, did you guys check out the Players Weekend uniforms, pretty cool, huh?

Yeah, some of em are pretty cool, actually. Most seem to be ‘70s-style polyester pullovers. The nicknames on the back are okay for a couple of days, but, to be honest, we don’t think we could stomach “Cody Love” for the entire season…

Yeah, it figures the Dodgers’ nickname would be the worst. Cody Love? What the hell are these kids smoking?

We agree…look, unless you’re related to Mike Love it just sounds silly…

Yeah, someone might want to direct “Bringer of Rain” and “El Nino” to SoCal, we’re still in drought mode down here!

True enough…our fave nickname is “Ray Charles” for Matt Holliday…y’know the guy that went blind in the outfield at Dodger Stadium during the playoffs and dropped the ball? It cost St. Louis the game. He blamed it on Dodger fans and their damn towels!

That doofus…he doesn’t play for the Cardinals anymore…

Right, he just makes sour faces on the Yankee bench now…what a tool.

Freddie Freeman went out on a limb with “Freddie”, how did the marketing geniuses think of that one?

Well, they tried “Free” in the gift shop last year, and everyone just took them without paying…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Make Mincemeat Out Of Miserable Mets

rascalsoftheravine party 1981

August 7, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Dodgers have more confidence than James Bond at a Baccarat table.

Ryu and company only coughed up a lone hit. Bellinger blasted his 32nd home run of the season. The Dodgers make every other team appear as if they’re staffed entirely by Timmy Lupus clones…final score Dodgers 8, Mets 0.

They’d better win the freaking World Series or…

Or people will shrug their shoulders and say “that was fun, but…onto the Rams (uh-oh)”

Who do the Dodgers beat up on next?

The next team to play punching bag for Los Dogs will be the Arizona Diamondbacks…

Can we stay at Tequila Towers?

Well, Tequila Towers is usually reserved for Spring Training…Sammy Hagar and Lee Ving have a stranglehold on the upper floors at the moment…

So that means we’re doomed to a fleabag motel on Indian School Road?

Yes.

Can we crash in Concession Room 2 at Camelback Ranch again?

Now that you’ve just told the world about our hiding spot, no…

Who’s pitching tomorrow?

Zack Godley, heavy metal air guitar champion, will take the hill for the Snakes.

Any relation to Godley & Creme?

Bingo. Time to dig some 10CC out of the crates…those guys directed a lot of videos in the early ‘80s too…

Who’s hurling for Los Dogs?

Kenta Maeda…it’s August so the “noodle arm watch” is on…can Kenta remain healthy going into the playoffs? Or will his moneymaker resemble a boneless chicken strip heading into October?

Mmmmm boneless chicken strips…ranch and bbq dipping sauce, please!

Damn, you’d eat a bag of deep fried chicken heads if they were available, right?

Bring ‘em on!

At least in Arizona we can get deep fried alligator at Pappadeaux…

…and sausage patties at the Tequila Towers breakfast buffet…c’mon, talk to Sammy Hagar, maybe they’ll let us stay in the boiler room?

Wouldn’t be the first time!

Tell him we’ll polish his red rocket!

You’d better be talking about his guitar…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Mutilate Moribund Mets, Bellinger Blasts 31st

San Jose's finest

August 6, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

If you play the Dodgers, you will lose.

Why do other teams even show up? Here’s our advice to those squads unfortunate to have Los Dogs on their schedule in the near future…kill yourselves.

The Dodgers hit five COUNT FIVE big jacks during yesterday’s whooopin of the miserable Mets…Bellinger, Taylor, Puig, Turner, and Seager all brought tears to the eyes of Citi Field’s (pronounce it like the City Wok owner on South Park) denizens as they reminded them of what a real team looks like. Final score: Dodgers 7, Mets 4.

Do the Mets stink on ice?

They don’t taste so bad if you pour some grenadine over them…

What sad-sack loser will they throw on the hill today?

Steven “Ding Dong” Matz (not nicknamed because of ding dong’s connection to door mats, but because of his addiction to Ding Dongs.)

Whoa!

Easy…not the Ron Jeremy kind of ding dongs, the Hostess chocolate cakes…

Who’s pitching for the Dodgers?

City Wok’s most frequent patron, the cherubic Hyun-Jin Ryu…

He is a very pudgy man…is there a Ryu plushy doll? Wouldn’t children all over the world line up to hug him?

You’re creeping us out…

Seriously, forget about Cabbage Patch Kids and Elmo…I want a Ryu plushy!

You’re about ten seconds away from being banned from this blog…

Are the Dodgers really taking Monday off to celebrate the birthday of your founder?

Yes, they are all going over to Shannon’s house to eat a birthday cake in the shape of Ronald McDonald.

Will there be clowns?

Yep. Shakes will be there.

Round Table Pizza and Atari?

You know it.

Will Christina Hendricks pop out of a giant cake?

A man can dream.

Where do the Dodgers play on Tuesday?

You mean who do they beat on Tuesday? Arizona.

When I was in my 20s I used to pound Arizona Grape after a night of partying…

The iced tea company has nothing to do with the Diamondbacks…

Oh yeah…some old New York broad used to shill for them…

…and we’ve come full circle!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Yu Da Man! Darvish Delights in Dodger Debut

Honeycutt's shoppe

August 5, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Yu looks good in blue.

Okay, sure, his Rangers uniform had some blue in it, but it sure as hell wasn’t Pantone 294!

He ain’t no Five-Inning Fanny! Yu went seven, right?

We didn’t pitch last night! Oh, you meant Yu not you, this is going to take some getting Yu-sed to…heh heh…yes, Dashing Darvish went seven scoreless and only coughed up three hits…

Very cool, I thought it might take him a while to settle in, due to his 6-9 record entering the game and his shaky July…

Hey, he’s under Honeycutt’s wing now…the man is a freaking miracle worker.

Speaking of Honeycutt, shouldn’t the man be endorsing honey-baked hams? 

Thanksgiving is a few months away…

Taylor, Puig, and Utley went deep last night in support of Yu, right?

Yeah, and Utley’s was the sweetest, being against the Mets and all…final score Dodgers 6, Mets 0.

Do Mets fans still poke voodoo dolls of Chase Utley with pins?

No, but they burn effigies of him in the bleachers…

I wondered where all that smoke was coming from out there…I just figured Pantone 294 was sparking up en masse…

They wear their sunglasses at night!

Corey Hart would be proud, wouldn’t he?

He would, it should be their theme song…

Who’s hurling this afternoon for Los Dogs?

Rich “Negril” Hill (not nicknamed after the Jamaican resort town, but because of his refusal to grill anything “Rich nah grill”) will take the mound today…

What about The Bad Guys?

Who knows? They have no arms left due to injuries…The Mets are holding some fan contest to see who has the best stuff…the winner gets to take the hill against the Dodgers…he will also receive a case of Turtle Wax.

Why are people always giving away Turtle Wax?

We’ve been slow to come up with an answer for that one…get it…slow…cause of turtles…

Yeah, geez, that’s awful…who’s really pitching for the Mets today?

Seth Lugo…he had a city named after him in northwestern Spain…

Nice! Isn’t Lugo the sister city of Qinhuangdao in the People’s Republic of China?

Jesus, you’re scaring us now…

It’s also the twin town of Dinan, France…

Just ask us another baseball question, weirdo…

Is Brandon Nimmo’s favorite movie Finding Nemo?

Obviously…

Does Logan Forsythe have tremendous foresight?

Yes, he knew he would be a Dodger whilst still in the womb…

Has Cody Bellinger ever had his bell rung?

No, but his favorite song is “If I Were A Bell” from Guys and Dolls

Great song, written by Frank Loesser, right? We always expected more out of him…

More out of Loesser? Oh, God, we get it now…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Wood Whips Wigwam Warriors, Can Yu Dig It?

wigwam warriors

August 4th, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Throw some more Wood on the fire!

Amazing Alex earned his 13th win in Atlanta last night as Los Dogs bested the Braves, 7-4. Tony Cingrani tried his best to blow the game by coughing up three runs in the ninth inning, but to no avail. The Dodgers held on to win their 76th game (cue “76 Trombones”) and the series before they jumped on a jet plane for the Big Apple.

Are Yu kidding? Is today Darvish’s big Dodger deb-Yu?

Yes, and we are going to pound Yu jokes into the ground for the rest of the season, much to the chagrin of pampered scribes. Yu understand?

Who will dashing Darvish face?

Jacob deGrom, a key member of the Mets’ clown-hair society…

Yeah, what’s with all the freaky locks on that squad?

Perhaps it was a mistake hiring Carrot Top as their team barber.

Is Michael Conforto really a comfort to anyone?

Only to Travis d’Arnaud, the little “D” in his last name is constantly overshadowed by deGrom’s little “D”…

Is Curtis Granderson really a better son than any of his brothers?

No, he’s a better grandson.

Does Wilmer Flores use Tres Flores?

Not since his rockabilly days…

Is Neil Walker a Texas Ranger?

He’s clearly on the Mets, silly.

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Flowers Smokes Dodgers, Bellinger Bombs No. 30

hubba

August 3, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Wha? They didn’t win?

Believe it, or not, Los Dogs actually lost a game last night. Baez was blasted for a two-run shot that ended up costing the contest for the Blue Crew. Final score: Braves 5, Dodgers 3.

Hell, I thought the Dodgers would win out…

Us too…not really, but it sure seemed like a possible fantasy. Remember when you were a kid and imagined a 162-0 season? This year’s Dodger squad is about as close as you’re going to get.

I didn’t fantasize about a 162-0 season, I fantasized about Lynda Carter…

Huh, we always pegged the disembodied voice to be a Julie Newmar man…

I literally ran into Newmar at Eat-A-Pita on Fairfax in 1993…I almost knocked the chicken tray out of her hand and she gave me a scathing look…

Alright voice, let’s get back to baseball…c’mon…ask us who’s pitching tonight…

Who’s pitching tonight?

Sean Newcomb (insert old comb joke here) will take the hill for the teepee set.

Who’s hurling for Los Dogs?

Woody will try to best his former team, once more. He ate too many Pop Rocks and drank too many Cokes the last time he faced them. The sugar rush earned him his only loss of the season so far, so today he has to limit himself to just one bag of Pixy Stix.

Will the Addams Family play for the Braves today?

Yes, Lane and Matt Adams will grace SunTrust Field with their presence…

Does Johan Camargo wear cargo pants?

Almost exclusively.

Does he hang out with Cargo from the Rockies?

They bowl together all the time.

Does he listen to the Cargo album by Men At Work?

Wow, that’s the second Cargo reference this year…we’re going to have to start sending Colin Hay checks soon…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Kenta Keelhauls Tomahawk Tossers, Kid Cody Clobbers 29th

puffed ricin

August 2, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The original Five-Inning Fanny goes seven!

Yes, your eyes do not deceive you, dear readers, Krazy Kenta actually tossed seven scoreless innings without his brittle little arm falling off…that will happen in September, as we all know.

How did he do it?

A couple of hits off a local peace pipe turned him into the Incredible Hulk…when in Rome…

Do as the Vandals!

Whoa, look at you with the punk rock references…

Did Kid Cody really hit big jack #29?

Dig your keen insight, you must be following pampered scribes on Twitter…they were in full force last night…their lame, obvious Tweets reached 10 on the blecchhh-o-meter…

I thought that thing went to 11?

Right! We forgot that Rob Reiner tinkered with it.

Who’s pitching tonight?

Brock, the same little dude that puffed ricin on Breaking Bad, will take the hill for Los Dogs.

Puffed Ricin…wasn’t that a trendy cereal back in the day?

No, Brock smoked…never mind. Julio Tayyyyywrong gets the start for the tomahawk tossers…

Is Tyler Flowers really a flower child?

Maybe…y’know the kids call weed “flowers” these days…jam that in your peace pipe…

Does Kurt Suzuki ride a Suzuki motorcycle to games?

Nope, he’s a Harley man.

Harley Peyton, the Twin Peaks writer?

No…Jesus…have you been taking hits off the peace pipe?

Yeah, sorry…any more of that Puffed Ricin around?

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Yu Don’t Say? Dodgers Deal for Darvish

original rascalsoftheravine staffers

August 1, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

It wasn’t exactly a bold prediction on our part that devilish Darvish would be coming to Southern California.

Everyone seemed to feel like this trade would happen, even the Magic 8-ball in our office kept displaying the text “He’s coming, dummies” every time we asked it about Yu…

Me?

No, not you, Yu…Jesus, is this going to turn into a Who’s on first bit every time we mention Yu?

Me?

No, NOT YOU! Arrrrggggghhhh!

This is the second year in a row that the front office has done something at the deadline, could they actually, finally care about their jobs?

No. We still think the whole thing is a scam, like The Producers…the Dodgers have figured out that winning the West and not the World Series is somehow more profitable…

You’re not actually serious?

Yes, serious reporting is the backbone of rascalsoftheravine.com….bwahahahahaha…we couldn’t even type that with a straight face…look, even the Magic 8-ball in our office knows the Dodgers have a serious shot at the Big Ragoo…

The Big Ragoo?

Yeah, some say “the whole enchilada”, we say “the Big Ragoo”…

The Big Ragoo’s jacket on Laverne and Shirley was cool, but we liked the “Lone Wolf” coat better…

Yeah, well who cares what you think, you’re just a disembodied voice asking questions.

Speaking of that, I think it’s time I got a raise…

Good Lord…

Is Scott Van Slyke really gone?

Yes, he was traded to the Reds for, oddly enough, a shipping container full of reds…the pills…they’re much more popular than greenies used to be.

What’s up with all these Tonys coming to L.A.?

Yeah, it’s weird, Tony Watson from Pittsburgh is on the way…Tony Cingrani from Cincinnati…the Dodgers were also able to nab Tony the Tiger from Kellogg’s in an eleventh hour trade for the Fruity Yummy Mummy…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Sweep Again as Farmer Fries Fran-Fran

yea, sports reporters

July 31, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Do the Dodgers have a giant Santa-sized sack of stud rookies or what?

Kyle Farmer is the latest to emerge from Kringle’s sleigh. His double in the 11th inning won the game for Los Dogs…final score: Dodgers 3, Giants 2…gee we wonder how Farmer felt after hitting that walk-off? Just kidding, we saw it on his face, we don’t need a verbal answer…

Let’s hear it for pampered scribes!

Can you imagine how awful it is to be a sports reporter? You basically spend your life chasing millennials around like an obsequious puppy begging for scraps. Reporters are either shills for the team or a network, so their questions are neutered and obvious. If it were up to us, there would be no postgame interviews at all in baseball, who watches or listens to that crap? We all know what the manager was thinking because we saw the decisions he made during the game.

The players loathe the media, they basically view every reporter as either a maggot or a cockroach. Can you imagine chasing Kenley Jansen down to ask if he wiped with Charmin after the game? If only the questions were that good, but they’re not…it’s more like “Hey, what were you thinking after you got that last out?” We love that one. Pampered scribes chase down players seconds after they hit game-winning shots and stick microphones in their faces to get insipid quotes. Why? Players aren’t Rhodes Scholars, they’re not going to have very interesting answers. When they say “I don’t have the words to express that moment,” it’s because they don’t. Players do not have great vocabularies. We all know what they are feeling in huge moments because we can see it on their faces. We don’t need to hear what they have to say.

So if the Dodgers offered you guys a job right now, you wouldn’t take it?

We would rather clean the floors of porn theaters with toothbrushes than chase goofy players around to ask how they’re feeling. We love how reporters all live tweet, like it’s 1885 and there’s no radio or television. “Justin Turner is on deck.” Ummm…yeah, we can see it…on the TV. “Kenley Jansen’s warming up.” Oh, really? Does he close games? “The sky is blue.” Is that what color it is? The whole thing is SUICIDE-INDUCING…how pampered scribes can cash paychecks with any conscience is beyond us…

Can you believe David Price taunting Eck on the team plane?

Yeah, that was disgusting. Boston’s the worst. Eck should have yanked out Price’s spleen and eaten it raw in front of the entire team. If you don’t know what happened by now, Eck said “ugh,” during a broadcast in reference to a pitcher that Price is bed buddies with…so Price went psycho and threatened Eck….for saying “ugh.” This is why coddling thin-skinned little millennials for a living is no way to go through life, son.

Do the Dodgers have the day off today?

Yes, but don’t take our word for it, check in with a pampered scribe’s Twitter page and you can see a picture of an empty Dodger Stadium with the caption “Dodgers not here.”

They start a three-game series with the Braves on Tuesday, right?

Yes, but again, we’re sure there’s an ESPN page with a picture of the team plane on a tarmac with the caption “Just landed in Atlanta,” out there somewhere…

Are the Dodgers excited about the series?

Jesus, what do you think—oh, we get it now, you’re pretending to be a pampered scribe…

What’s that big yellow thing up in the sky?

It’s called the sun.

Is the Earth flat or round?

It’s flat. Just ask Thomas Dolby.

Do you think the Dodgers will be happy if they win the World Series?

Man, that’s a tough one…we’d better send 47 of our crack reporters to Sun Trust Park to find out…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Bellinger Bests Freaks of Fran-Fran

dolly madison bumgarner

July 30, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Have you dug Bellinger’s right elbow guard?

It has his last name written across it in this awesome 1980 Olympics font…he was -15 when those games were played…

Forget about elbow guards, what happened in the game yesterday?

Rich Hill held the Battery Chucks to just one run. Bellinger drove in Seager in the first inning (ditto in the third) to put up the Dodgers two runs. Final score: Dodgers 2, Giants 1.

Who’s pitching for Fran-Fran today?

Out of total desperation to save a game in the series, the G-Men have flip-flopped Cain for Mad Bum…

Did the Dodgers have to get special shots from the doctor because Mad Bum will be on the field?

Yes, doctors that specialize in rabies, ebola, smallpox, herpes, bubonic plague, and eastern equine encephalitis were all in attendance to make sure Mad Bum’s infectious diseases don’t get loose…again…

People keep focusing on his ailments and they tend to forget how truly ugly Mad Bum is…who’s pitching for Los Dogs?

Sire of the soft injury, Hyun-Jin Ryu…the pillow he slept on last night left these little lines on his face, so we’re not sure if he’ll be able to make the start today.

Enough of that, let’s get back to ripping on Mad Bum…does he really have a 1-4 record?

Yes…bwahahahahahahahahah

Is it true his mom named him Madison because of her addiction to Dolly Madison pies and cakes?

Wow, somebody’s done their homework…unlike Mad Bum who flunked the sixth grade nineteen times…

How badly would Mad Bum have been beaten if Puig hadn’t been restrained that night?

Are you kidding? Puig’s ripped. Mad Bum looks like he sleeps under a bridge. We’ve seen more formidable contestants on “Bum Fights.” When you think about it, Puig would just be doing Mad Bum a favor by knocking out his two front teeth…he’d revert to his natural hillbilly state…just plop a banjo on his lap and let the good times roll!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!!