Nati Dread! Dodgers Seek Cincy Sweep

mr redlegs discovers cocaine

June 11, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The cold war continues today as Los Dogs look to nuke the Reds in the final match of the three-game series at 1:10. Mr. Redlegs is still reeling after last night’s wicked walk-off double by “Sayonara” Seager in the bottom of the ninth.

The Ravishing Ryu will take the hill for the Dodgers this afternoon. Tim “Edelweiss” Adleman (he earned his nickname because of a childhood stint on Broadway in The Sound of Music) gets the start for Los Reds.

In honor of the Reds, today is “Steamboat Sunday” at the Ravine. The first 35,000 people through the gates will receive a replica of a steamboat paddle native to the Ohio River. The replicas are quite large and do require a flatbed truck to haul them out of Chavez Ravine. So come prepared!

Indians are on the horizon!!

Tomorrow is another day off (doesn’t anybody work around here) for the Dodgers as they travel to Cleveland in search of Randy Quaid.

Will Iron Eyes Cody throw out the first pitch on Tuesday night?

Well, he’s dead, so it’s a possibility.

Does Randy Newman sing “Burn On” during every Indians home game from the right field bleachers in a drunken stupor?

It’s what has kept many fans coming to see the Indians through thick and thin.

Do you guys still have the Rachel Phelps cardboard cut out with removable clothes?

You betcha! Hubba-hubba!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!

Dodgers Meet Red Menace At Home

young mike trout models for chip hilton cover

June 9, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Commie punks are coming to town!

Is Rich Hill’s favorite song “still ill” by The Smiths?

It must be! They play it every time he walks to the…hill.

Will Senator McCarthy throw out the first pitch?

Well, he died in 1957…so, yes!

Boy, he sure hated commies!

That’s where everyone has it wrong. He was a Milwaukee Braves fan who hated the Cincinnati Reds, the whole thing was a big mix-up!

So, the Rush song, “Red Lenses” is about everyone’s misinterpretation of McCarthy’s paranoia?

No. Where the hell did you get that idea?

Isn’t Scott Schebler playing for the Reds now? Didn’t he play for Los Dogs?

He did, until Van Slyke’s tormenting chants of “Scott Scheeebleer eats Keebler!” drove him off the team and out of the city.

Wasn’t Scooter Gennett a character in a Chip Hilton book?

He was! Mike Trout, Joc Pederson, and Buster Posey all modeled for Chip Hilton covers throughout the years.

It’s tough to say the name “Joey Votto” without making an Italian gesture and scrunching up your face like Marlon Brando in The Godfather, isn’t it?

Si, pazzo, si! Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Kershaw KOs Spielberg, Will Face David Lynch Next

rascalsoftheravine visits the twin peaks set

June 8, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The win against Washington was wonderful to witness. King Kersh clobbered the nasty Nats. Spielberg was left sobbing in his soup. Seager sizzled a shot that soared all the way to San Dimas. One question, however, rests roughly on our minds…

Has the league figured Cody Bellinger out?

Probably. Bellinger’s numbers are plummeting like Sears stock.

Do the Dodgers really have the best pitching in the NL?

As we’ve witnessed, the Dodgers have depth. They excel at cobbling together a hodgepodge of arms behind Clayton K…HOWEVER, come October, who do you picture in the rotation behind C.K.? The problem is, none of the other starters can remain healthy enough or have the postseason experience to conjure up fear in the minds of opponents.

Who really pulled the trigger on J.F.K.?

Ray Kroc? Iggy Pop? Mr. Green Jeans? The question has haunted our staff for decades, just as it has Agent Dale Cooper.

What’s going on tonight?

Freddie Hubbard’s Night of the Cookers usually starts the evening off right. We’ll down a couple of Tom Collins’ before heading out for a steak at the Sycamore Inn…

No, we mean with the Dodgers, geez…

The Blue Crew has the day off before they meet up with the Big Red Machine tomorrow.

What does the team do on their day off?

Well, you’ve seen North Dallas Forty, right? It’s kind of like that…minus the hunting, bourbon swilling, joint smoking, and the endless sea of babes…

Jesus, what’s left? 

Staring at a cell phone, ride sharing, and random acts of kindness…

Freaking millennials!

You said it, brother! Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Puig Peeved At Lack Of Glove Love

scully's fave song

June 7, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Pitchers shout stuff after they strike out hitters in big moments. Sometimes they yell at their gloves, which prompted Rawlings to open up a hotline for abused mitts. Hurlers usually scream things like, “f*%* yeah!” or “that’ll show you, smart guy!” There was that weird instance in 2000 when Roger Clemens shouted, “Kawasaki jet skis are overrated, consider a Yamaha or Polaris for reliability and performance,” at Mike Piazza after a huge K during the playoffs.

Nats pitcher, Koda Glover, did not put his glove over his mouth when he screamed “sit down” at Yasiel Puig after striking him out in the bottom of the ninth to end the game. Puig does not like being told to sit down. Who can forget the inflight brawl that occurred on a Dodger road trip when Zack Greinke told Puig to sit down and fasten his seat belt because the plane was about to take off? Then there was the time Puig attacked a master of ceremonies at the Disney Concert Hall because the poor fellow instructed the audience to “please take their seats” before the performance began…it goes on and on.

The Dodgers will look to avoid a sweep by the Washington Nationals in about two hours. Kershaw will take the hill for Los Dogs. Vin Scully just called our office to tell us Steven Spielberg will be starting for the Nats. Scully accidentally called Strasburg “Spielberg” last year, so he calls us once a week to repeat the joke over the phone. The first 32 times or so it was funny, but now it’s just weird. We usually let the machine get it. Sometimes he’ll just sing “Mairzy Doats” and hang up. Yes, we have an answering machine. With the little tapes and everything…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Bernie Brewer Belligerent As Dogs Destroy Dreams

Bernie Brewer sliding down the slide

June 4, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Yes, Bernie Brewer’s dream of drowning in a doughboy pool filled with Dortmunder Gold was shattered yesterday as the Dodgers roared back to score five runs in the top of the ninth to claim the game. Final score: Dodgers 10, Brewers 8.

Has Bernie Brewer ever whipped out his wand?

We wondered about this in the wake of the Mr. Met debacle in New York last week. It seems like a mascot flipping off fans in the Big Apple would be par for the course, but apparently they’re a bit more thin skinned out there than we thought…

The whole “let’s break out the brooms” thing for a possible sweep is getting old, can’t they come up with something else?

They certainly should! The brooms thing is kind of stupid…what about “nuked” as a term for a series sweep? Fans could show up at the ballpark dressed like little mushroom clouds, hot dogs could feature green ketchup to reference leaking radiation, and we’ll take half a dozen “Nukebomb Cocktails” to get the evening started right, pass the Geiger counter!

Who’s pitching in Milwaukee this morning?

This morning? That’s right, the game starts at 11:10 out here…

Zach Davies (3-3 6.46 ERA) gets the start for the suds suckers. Kenta Maeda will hurl for Los Dogs. Kenta’s new thing is coughing up a few runs in the first inning before buckling down.

Will you guys be watching the game from the Mt. Baldy Lodge?

You betcha! There will be great mounds of bacon, vast tubs of sausage patties, and cold pitchers of Bloody Marys for the entire staff!

Jesus, that’s it? No eggs or pancakes, just booze and meat?

Those things just fill up the gut with unnecessary, non-meat and liquor products.

Will you guys be at the Ravine tomorrow night? What’s the promo for the matchup versus Washington?

Tomorrow is “Wooden Teeth Night” at Dodger Stadium, the first 40,000 fans will be fitted with a replica pair of George Washington’s wooden choppers, the same ones that made the ladies swoon from coast-to-coast. Our entire staff will be there as the ol’ rascalsoftheravine dental plan only covers wooden modifications!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Mound City Muck-Up! Umps Bungle Blue-Crew 9th

Dodgers Cardinals Baseball

June 2nd, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Gonzalez and Grandal were victims of some crosseyed calls in the ninth inning during yesterday’s loss to the St. Louis Redbirds at Busschhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Stadium III…

Plate umpire, Marty Foster, clearly had a bottle of in-flight scotch on his mind…perhaps an episode of Route 66 on the iPad as he orders a pastrami sandwich from a charming stewardess…

Snap Out Of It! Quit Fantasizing About Marty Foster’s Flight!

Right, sorry! The point is, Foster was in a hurry to get his umps on a plane toward their next umpire destination, wherever that may be. His mind clearly wasn’t on the whole ball/strikes thing. He obviously was thinking about the superior selection of tiny bottles of liquor at the Four Seasons and that little strip club down the street that no one can see him walk to and…

Get Foster Out Of Your Head! The Dodgers Ended Up Splitting That Series, Damnit! Who Do They Play Tonight?

The Brew -Crew! King Kersh will battle Jimmy Nelson in a clash of…wait, a minute…Jimmy Nelson from the Daily Planet? That guy plays baseball now? As if taking pictures of Superman wasn’t cool enough, now this guy has to horn in on…

No, Dummy. That’s Jimmy OLSEN. The Brewers pitcher is NELSON. Jesus.

Pampered scribes have been writing about the Dodgers and the injury bug lately…hasn’t this bug been biting Los Dogs for FOUR YEARS NOW? They are Inj-bug INFESTED! Break out the flea collars!!!

Do They Give You A Giant Stein Of Beer When You Walk Into Miller Park? Does Bernie Brewer Slide Into A Huge Vat Of Pilsner? Do Children Play And Laugh In Fountains Of Malt Liquor?

Yes, dear readers, yes…this is why Miller Park is the “Jewel of the Midwest”…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dogs Find First, Ryu Reclaims Rotation Residence

rascalsoftheravine staff photo

May 31, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Can Ryu handle a rotation spot? Will he be doomed to roam the bullpen for the rest of the season? How will this affect his Ottogi Noodle ad campaign?

Can You Smell That?

We powdered our Topsiders with Dr. Scholls this morning, don’t look at us!

Not the shoe rack, first place! The Dodgers lead the NL West!

We must admit, Los Dogs have been on a wild tear lately, the NL Central has been a punching bag over the last week.

Whoa, you guys just said something positive! What gives?

The Dodgers are playing great baseball, but we knew something would happen to Alex Wood…

Geez! What a bring-down!

You asked for it! St. Louis will trot out Carlos Martinez to face riveting Ryu. Tommy Pham will strut about the field like a peacock because he has the best name in baseball.

Seriously, Tommy Pham is the greatest name ever, the entire rascalsoftheravine staff is considering changing our names to Tommy Pham. We will then begin our new careers as Elvis impersonators in downtown Vegas.

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

How To Eat Fried Cardinals

yum!

May 29, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Step One: Season!

Cardinals are friendly, but taste smug and bitter. Therefore, a few dashes of Lawry’s Cardinal Seasoning is a must for any Memorial Day Cardinal-Cook Off. Remember folks, It’s important to deep fry these birds the right way.

Step Two: Cheat!

It’s tough to preach to the world that you’re holier-than-thou when you cheat like a riverboat gambler. Therefore, if you get caught breaking into another chef’s files, remember this “Cardinal” rule: Deny, deny, deny! When presented with the guilty evidence, pretend it never happened. Oh, those midwestern morals!

Step Three: Bling Up The Lady Birds!

You enjoy brutal, savage baseball, your lady likes showering herself in bright, shiny jewels…right, guys? Guys? Don’t let sexist Tweets ruin your Cardinal BBQ! Simply install the Caveman Cardinal (TM) filter on your mobile device, and your jingoist posts will emerge gloriously PC for today’s meek millennials! Here’s an example! Simply type your typical Cardinal tweet “About to go hunt some meat in the backyard while the wife douses herself in Chanel and cleans the entire house.” BECOMES “We’re spending the day holding hands together in our community garden as equal, non-offensive, planet-friendly folk. Mmmmm this pressed juice tastes good.” SEE! IT WORKS!

Kill it and grill it!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

 

Bartman to Throw Out First Pitch at Dodger Stadium?

steve bartman at the ravine?

May 26, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Ryu still wants to start.

The cherubic, oft-injured pitcher ended up tossing a four-out save last night because he can’t hack it in the starting rotation anymore…but he still wants to start. Well, Hyun-Jin, we’re sure the Dodgers WANTED you in the rotation over the last couple of years instead of paying you to gobble chili dogs on your barcalounger. We’re also fairly positive the fans WANTED a decent pitching staff behind Kershaw, not a broken down pile of maybe-babies…so how about you just pitch wherever they tell you to, capisce?

Ah, but we’re ignoring Maeda’s rollercoaster ride last night. Kenta coughed up three runs in the first inning, but managed to steady the ship and hurl four scoreless frames as well as drive in two runs at the plate. Final score: Dodgers 7, Cardinals 3.

Can you guys stop saying Chris Taylor’s name like Nova does in Planet of the Apes?

No. We like it. Tayyyyloooor had himself quite a night as he went 3-4 at the plate and drove in a run (he ended up scoring as well).

Why is Gonzalez in the lineup tonight? In 13 at bats vs Arrieta, his average is .077!

We know…the injuries to Toles and Pederson probably have something to do with it…

Wood’s been awesome this year, isn’t it about time for him to get injured?

Shhhhh…the injury Gods will hear you!

Are Dodger fans and players still peeved about the Cubs rubbing in their little championship in Chicago?

Oh yeah, it’s probably the reason tonight is “Bring your rancid garbage to the ballpark” night…get ready for lotsa tomatoes, rotten eggs, and moist coffee grounds to get hurled…

Where the hell is Steve Bartman?

He’s NOT throwing out the first pitch in any ballpark anytime soon, but he IS on some twisted road trip with Bill Murray at this very moment…they head out to Whiskey Pete’s in Primm, Nevada twice a year with Tom Waits and Cher.

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Dine Late On Raw Redbirds

M8DCODI EC002

May 24, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Broadcasting legend, Charlie Steiner, referenced the short story, The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner by Alan Sillitoe during extras in last night’s thirteen-inning marathon at the Ravine. Kershaw and Lynn duked it out like Apollo Creed and Rocky (Lynn hurled for eight, Kersh went nine). We here at rascalsoftheravine certainly envisioned a nineteen-inning night ahead until the magic bat of Logan Forsythe drove in fellow Rancho-rehabber, Adrian Gonzalez, for the big win in the thirteenth. Final score: Dodgers 2, Cardinals 1.

Did you guys move your headquarters or something?

Yep, we moved to Mount Baldy. Our rogue writer, Tom Fostex, has a shack up there, so the entire staff moved in for the summer, kind of like John Belushi in Continental Divide.

So, you’re saying that, like in the film, you’re all newspaper men, and you’re on the run from corrupt policeman and have to hide out in the Rockies to interview Blair Brown.

Ummm…no…we just meant that we high tailed it to the mountains to drink beer and fish for the entire summer…Jesus, don’t take everything so seriously.

Is that why you guys were practically MIA on the series with the Marlins?

Yes. The Dodgers kicked us out of the abandoned 76 Station, we had to find somewhere to live!

Whatever, who’s pitching tonight in Game 2 of the series against the Redbirds?

Rich Hill (he’s earned the nickname “Rich Little” amongst his teammates because of his spot on imitation of Arch Hall Jr.) will take the…hill (we’ve been waiting to do that for a while) for the Dodgers. Mike Leake (father of Kelly) will pitch for St. Louis…

Will Gonzalez, Grandal, and Gutierrez rumble with Garcia, Grichuk, and Gyorko to decide who’s the ultimate “G”? Was Stephen Piscotty tormented in his youth by roving gangs of thug kids who called him “biscotti” and endlessly bugged him for Italian cookies? Will there be a collision bobblehead of Puig and Pederson after last night’s fender bender in the outfield? Will rascalsoftheravine staff members get dysentery in Fostex’ caveman cabin?

Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!