Bellinger Bombs McCovey Cove In Actual Series Win

rascalsoftheravine's fave show

September 14, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Dodgers have won a series! Hated ones be damned!

Final score: Dodgers 4, Giants 1…

The team that couldn’t lose a game became the team that couldn’t win a game became the team that actually won a series!

Huh?

It’s confusing, isn’t it?

Let October begin, already!

Easy now…the Dodgers should probably win another series or two before the big battle…

If you guys could hit a magic button and make the playoffs start today, would you?

What did we just say? Let em win another series or two! However, if they go into the tank again before the playoffs begin, that would be bad…hmmm…what to do…is Adam-12 still streaming on Amazon?

Knock it off! The Dodgers magic number is 7, right?

They’ve already clinched, besides, we thought three was the magic number!

Enough with the De La Soul references, the magic number is 7!

Well, actually, De La Soul sampled the Schoolhouse Rock track “Three Is—

Leave Prince Paul out of this! Do Los Dogs have a day off today?

Yes, they’re traveling to Chocolate City to take on the naughty Nats…

Will the Nat Nuts be there?

Yes, and for those of you who don’t know about the Nat Nuts, they’re a group of drunken urologists who dress up like giant testicles and bounce around the upper deck during games…

The Dodgers could use some action like that in the Top Deck area…

Look for “The Blue Ballers” to debut soon!

Who’s pitching for Los Dogs?

Alex Wood…he’s been reverting back to the old Alex Wood in the second half of the season…the old Alex Wood was not so good…

Who’s hurling for the Nationals?

A man named TBD…hmmm, funny no picture…weird name too…perhaps he was a DJ or something? “TBD” on the wheels of steel? Could be a trendy street drug…TBD is rotting the minds of our youth!

It means “To Be Determined” genius’…

Oh, REALLY?

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Clinch Postseason Berth, Prepare For First-Round Exit

matt moore's second single

September 13, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The losing streak has been struck!

King Kersh put the kibosh on another long losing streak as the Dodgers clinched a postseason berth in Fran-Fran last night. Final score: Dodgers 5, Giants 3…Fans are still extremely skeptical of this team’s chances in the playoffs, though…even Little Orphan Annie has stopped believing.

Los Dogs have proven that it’s easy to beat them and have even provided blueprints in the form of weeks of tape for other teams to study for the postseason…way to end the year, Blue Spew…speaking of Blue Spew, we used to drink this blue-raspberry Slurpee/Icee type-thingy at the Aloha Roller Rink on Blossom Hill Road back in ’78…don’t let anyone say we don’t provide the hard-hitting facts at this blog! Yes Cheap Trick and ELO were featured prominently at Aloha…

The sad sack fact is, the Dodgers are going to limp into this postseason looking very little like the team that dominated after the All-Star break…another year, another first-round washout…Calgon, take us away!

How about them Rams!

Exactly, all eyes are in L.A. are trained toward the NFL now…the Dodgers have been completely unwatchable for a few weeks…aren’t New Order playing at the bowl on Monday?

Are you ready for some postseason baseball?

No.

Aren’t you guys fired up to see how Los Dogs can handle—

Nope.

Who do you think the Dodgers will matchup with in the first round?

Is Adam-12 still streaming on Amazon?

C’mon! Show a little life!

Look, the Dodgers need to show us something…as of now, we’d rather watch Flipper re-runs…

Who’s pitching tonight?

Lou Darvish, Yu’s fat, cigar chomping cousin from New York will take the hill in Yu’s place as he’s returned to Japan for a Metal Gear convention…

What about for the hated ones?

Matt Moore (winner of the Trini Lopez lookalike contest) will take the hill for Fran-Fran…

Is Calixte a border town near Calexico?

Yes.

Has Tim Federowicz ever done time in a Federal Prison?

Yes, he makes all the homemade wine in the Giants’ dugout…

Is Jarrett Parker one of the Parker Bros.?

Sorry! Nope…

Oh! I get it, Sorry, like the board game Sorry…you guys took a real RISK with that one!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Decide To Take Rest Of Season Off

rascalsoftheravine hangs here

September 11, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

What a strange season. A weird year! From historic highs to sorry skids…the Dodgers have lost ten games in-a-row…seems like they’ve been resting at 92 wins for at least a week and-a-half (cue canned laughter.)

We have no more answers, we’re fresh out of quips and cursebreakers…the skid continues and Los Dogs seem determined to crap out all the way…

The Giants are licking their chops…

Oh, you know Fran-Fran would love to pile on with a three-game sweep…

Yeah they would love to kick Los Dogs while they’re down…things could get crazy in Foggytown…who will Jared Goff root for?

Speaking of Goff, how about that win yesterd—

THIS IS NOT A RAMS BLOG! It was fun, though…

Who’s pitching for the Dodgers?

The ORIGINAL Five-Inning Fanny…he’s not very good on the road…

What about for the hated ones?

Chris “Otter” Stratton…a legend at Faber College until Dean Vernon Wormer revoked Delta’s charter…we’ll get you Marmalard…

Will the losing streak end in Fran-Fran?

We think so…the question is: Can the Dodgers get back to their winning ways before the playoffs begin?  Not mega-winning streak-winning but winning-winning…

Does Austin Slater shop at Stater Bros.?

Of course.

Was Kelby Tomlinson an extra in the original Nutty Professor (1963)?

You know it.

How much Mac and Cheese does Mac Williamson consume?

If you lined up all the noodles he eats in a month, they would reach the planet Saturn.

Wasn’t Sean McVay born in the back seat of a Saturn?

THIS IS NOT A RAMS BLOG!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Larry King To Perform Exorcism On Dodgers

king exorcism

September 9, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Pampered scribes have been trying to “reverse the curse”. It isn’t working. So…

We called Larry King’s people who called Carrot Top’s people who called Larry King’s people back to say it was okay to reveal to us that the King of squawk radio will perform an exorcism at Dodger Stadium before the game this evening.

Did Darvish really dish out five runs last night?

Indeed…it was all the Rockies would need…

Are the Dodgers really cursed like the city of Chorazin?

Larry King hopes to confront the Antichrist in Dodger Stadium…although it’s not the dark lord’s first time there, we’re pretty sure that Justin Bieber has caught a game before…

Will Kevin Costner somehow be involved?

Yes, Costner plans to run around the perimeter of the field in a Steve Garvey uniform…he’ll wave an American flag and yell “Get out these walls, Satan!”

Who’s pitching for Los Dogs?

Alex Wood will whip whoppers at Colo-

Who’s hurling for the Rockies?

Chad “Not Jerome” Bettis, not nicknamed for the old Steeler, but for his hatred of the furniture chain, Jerome’s…

What time does the exorcism begin?

6:30, so get there early for your Larry King (Black Hooded Robe Version) Bobblehead!

Yes! That’ll be better than “Hungover At Spring Training (Glaring Version)” Tommy Lasorda Bobblehead! 

No doubt!

Is it better than the “Tommy And Sinatra At The Polo Lounge Seven Drinks In” bobblehead?

No. Not by a long shot.

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

King Kersh Can’t Stop Collapse as Dodger Death March Kihn-tinues

kihnspiracy-551db37a08aa8

September 8, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Remember how Greg Kihn used to insert his last name into all his album titles? Rockihnroll, Next of Kihn, Kihnspiracy, Kihntagious, Kihntinued, Citizen Kihn…

Is this a ploy to make us forget how crummy the Dodgers are right now…geez we’d rather have had a terrible season all around than this hideous tease…

They stink on ice…no question about it…the entire M.A.S.H. unit couldn’t stop their bleeding…

Recovery seems impossible at this point…first round elimination looms large…

If they go out in the first round it will be the worst Dodger season of all-time…we’d rather have them go 0-162 than pull a flimflam like this…

Is Aaron Donald still holding out? That freaking jerk is killing the Rams…

THIS IS NOT A RAMS BLOG!!!

Who’s pitching tonight?

Someone that will lose.

Who’s hurling for the Rox?

Someone that will win.

Is “Paint it Black” the only song playing over the Dodger Stadium speakers right now?

Yes.

Should Dodger fans start wearing black to games?

Black is appropriate for funerals…

Should Larry King start driving a hearse to the Ravine?

Well, one follows him around at all times, just in case…all he has to do is hop behind the wheel…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Aim For Epic Season Collapse in AZ

side six!

September 7, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Dodgers are flailing like a turtle on its back! Someone end their pain!

Oh, pipe down.

You heard Joe Davis say it! “The evil has a face!” That face is the Arizona Diamondbacks, gulp! 

Easy, they’ll make the playoffs…but what a crummy way to finish.

Kind of like Pink Floyd’s The Final Cut?

Exactly! Los Dogs return to the ravine tonight with their collective tails between their legs.

Who’s pitching?

The man that rights all ships…he even remixed “Shipbuilding” by Elvis Costello…

King Koish! Who’s hurling for the Purple Gang?

Jon “Jollybee” Gray. What can we say, he digs the Aloha Burger! If you haven’t hit the Jollybee on Beverly just west of Vermont, you haven’t lived…

Does Alexi Amarista dig Sandinista?

Who doesn’t…side six rules…take that hipsters…

Is Ryan McMahon the son of Ed?

HOY-YO!

Is Mike Tauchman a touch freak?

You mean like Buddy Revell in 3 O’Clock High? Of course!

Y’know now that I think about it, The Final Cut isn’t that bad…

You’ve been inhaling the fumes from the copy machine again, haven’t you?

Busted!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!

The Dodgers Go Down Like A Lead Balloon

tourist trap doesn not have Peter Billingsley in it

September 5, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

What the f*%k happened?

We miss a couple of days and the Dodgers decide to take the rest of the year off?

Sheesh…why the hiatus rascalsoftheravine?

We moved our HQ due to September’s arrival at Big Bear…goodbye fishing, hello Hancock Park…plus we have Rams season tickets and can’t deal with a three hour drive after games..

THE DODGERS LOST THE LAST NINE OUT OF TEN GAMES, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???

What goes up, must come down…

Is it really over for Los Dogs?

Of course not, Wood should be okay for the playoffs…if Darvish can get some run support and King Kersh is his usual self, they’ll be alright…

They’ve overachieved haven’t they? This is the same old squad as last year plus Bellinger and Darvish, and you know how they fared…Did Wood have a fluke season? Will he go the way of Kaz Ishii???

Jesus, relax…It’s only the first week of September…if they still look this bad in a few weeks, it’s uh-oh time…

Can the Rams beat the Colts?

THIS IS NOT A RAMS BLOG!

I was watching Rifftrax roast Tourist Trap the other night, i thought Peter Billingsley was in that?

Whoa. That is way. off. track.

Alright, alright…who’s pitching for the Dodgers tonight?

Noodles. And boy, does he look finished (this is a secret ploy to trash him, thus insuring his no-hitter later…) we’ve seen steaks that are less well done than that…

Less well done? What does that even mean? Medium-Well?

Can it, wiseacre…just ask another question.

Who’s hurling for the D-Backs?

THE MAN THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN AWAY…and boy, do Los Dogs need him…

I could have sworn that Peter Billingsley was in Tourist Trap…

Dammnit, fine…you must be thinking of Death Valley, but there aren’t any mannequins in that movie…

That’s gotta be it! I wonder why we thought he was in Tourist Trap…

Enough!

Does Ketel Marte own any Mini-Martes???

No.

Was John Ryan Murphy the beat partner of Sean Connery in The Untouchables?

He didn’t have a partner!

Was Brandon Drury born on Drury Lane?

100% yes, which is why his nickname is “The Muffin man”…

Seriously, though, the Rams should be able to take the Colts without Andrew Luck…

THIS IS NOT A RAMS BLOG!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Ka-Pow! Kersh Puts Kibosh On Dodger Skid In Diego

chocodile lyles

September 2, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

San Diego sure must love Los Angeles.

If we’re not taking an NFL team from them, we’re pounding them into submission on the diamond. Kersh returned. “All is well, all is well…” Final score: Dodgers 1, Padres None…

What do Ron Burgundy-types need with sports? Aren’t they too busy dusting their face furniture with copious amounts of cocaine?

True, we figured they’d have plenty to do at that bar featured in the movie Top Gun

Nothing wrong with Jager shots and The Righteous Brothers..

Better than drinking with the Wrongteous Brothers…we’ve done that way too many times…

At least they have the Gaslamp District to get plowed in, the best thing you can hope for in Chavez Ravine is a knife-less encounter with a random hobo…

Alright, let’s get back to baseball…how about that lone run on nine hits yesterday, eh?

Yeah, what the hell?

Until Gonzalez is sacrificed this will continue…

Who’s hurling for Los Dogs today?

Yu guessed it! Dashing Darvish…

…and for the Friars?

Jordan “Chocodile” Lyles, not nicknamed for his addiction to “Crocodile Rock” by Elton John, but for his love of Hostess products…

Twinkie the Kid is one cool cat, indeed…you know they do all kinds of crazy things with Twinkies now, they even—

Yeah, deep fry ‘em, we know…

No, we were going to say soak them in LSD, then deep fry them in lard, then roll them in bacon, then dip them in butter, then coat them in caramel…

Sounds like an average breakfast here at rascalsoftheravine HQ…

What do the Dodgers eat for breakfast?

Back in the day, it would have been sausage patties and scrambled eggs…now it’s probably kooky kale cakes, Quinoa Crunch, and acai bowl-agony…y’think Tommy Lasorda got fat on that crap? They oughta serve wine and pasta with every meal, damnnitt…

Does Darvish dine at Denny’s?

You mean the Yankees’ sponsor in The Bad News Bears?

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Atomized in AZ, Feckless Friars on Deck

front office primer

September 1, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

What gives? Five-Inning Fanny coughed up seven runs in three innings worth of shirk? 

Yeah, it’s getting ugly for Los Dogs…swept in AZ…final score: Diamondbacks 8, Dodgers 1…hopefully King Kersh will right the ship against the fooooookin Friars tonight…

Greinke looked good yesterday, how the hell did he get away?

C’mon, don’t be so negative! Just look at Scott Kazmir and Kenta Maeda! They’re worthwhile replacements…in Bizzaro World…

Is Scott Kazmir still alive?

Hmmmm…don’t know…we figured the Dodgers traded him for a couple of buckets of Hi-Chew by now…

Not a bad deal…although I prefer Now and Laters…what candy does King Kersh prefer?

Laffy Taffy?

He has to eat something besides those damn Subway sandwiches…who’s hurling for the Padres tonight?

Dinelson “Dinner Soon” Lamet…a man extremely anxious to consume supper…he eats it around 3:00…

Is Jabari Blash brash?

Very much so.

Does Yangervis Solarte have solar panels?

Even on his car…

Does Allen Cordoba drive a Chrysler Cordoba?

We’ve been over this…he has an entire fleet of them…

Why doesn’t Clayton Kershaw have an opening vamp like Elvis?

Nice! His opening vamp should BE Elvis…maybe a lil “CC Rider” from Aloha From Hawaii…

Speaking of CCs, he could ride in on a little motorcycle!

You mean like Kelly Leak’s tiny Harley in Bad News Bears?

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Roll Into Breakdown Lane As Wheels Come Off in AZ

sacrifice at Dodger Stadium

August 31, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

“Dodgers lose again” is not often typed around these parts…they look to avoid the sweep today in Snakeville…

Noodles stank on ice last night…six earned runs? Time to yank his gigantic head out of the rotation…

His head is quite large…you know what that means, right?

Yep. He has a huge pillow.

Right. What’s his hat size, we wonder, 14 1/2?

Who cares…let’s talk about garbage time…we knew Adrian Gonzalez would screw up the mojo…

I thought you were giving him a break!

Hell no…you guys do realize that the reason Bellinger was injured in the first place was because they stuck him in left field to make room for A-Goon, right?

Well, there are also other issues that plague the Dodgers…look at it this way, he only costs over 40 million dollars a year to hit like crap, feel better?

The curse of Carl Crawford…sounds like a Hardy Boys novel…Jesus…are the wheels coming off?

Fred Flintstone’s footmobile has sturdier rollers…

Can Los Dogs regain the mojo?

Look, the magic run they went on was near impossible…it couldn’t last forever…our prediction? First round elimination…

Ugh, not again! 

Relax, we’re just messin’ with ya…if the season ended today, it would be bad…there’s a whole month left…

What should the Dodgers do?

The answer is simple. Sacrifice Gonzalez. On an altar. At Dodger Stadium.

Hmmmmm…I can picture it…Larry King and Mary Hart in black hooded robes…Dennis Gilbert raises the machete…

Yep, you got it…no stadium lights…candles only…

We’re in if they play Black Sabbath’s first album through the sound system…

Done.

Whew! That’s settled…let the wins roll in, baby!

Larry King’s dentures will have to be sacrificed as well…it’s for the good of the team…

You think he has a glass of water next to his bed with his choppers floating in it?

No doubt…he makes his 12-year old wife change the water every hour…

Hey, she’s not 12! Give the guy a break, she’s at least 16…

Alright, alright…

How did this devolve into a Larry King roast? Gonzalez must be sacrificed!!

Easy, big time, easy…

Who’s pitching this afternoon?

The ORIGINAL Five-Inning Fanny…

Who’s hurling for the Snakes?

“The Man That Should Have Never Gotten Away”, Zack Greinke…

Did they really try to replace him with Scott Kazmir?

Who? Can’t recall the fellow…blame it on the dopes upstairs…

Do you think they smoke great quantities of dope in the front office?

Hmmmm….they seem like pill heads to us…cleaner…neater…no one questions unhealthy-looking nerds gobbling pills like M&Ms…

Then why did Tequila Towers management confiscate ours?

Huh? There is no “Tequila Towers management” we wonder who you—oh, we know what happened…you ran into Alice Cooper in the halls again and he flimflammed you…

NOT AGAIN!!!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!