Dodgers Deliver In City Of Broads With Boulders, Eyeball Sweep Tomorrow

aaron judge at play

October 17, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

After winning the first two games in the NLCS, the Dodgers have done the unimaginable!

They finally got around to trimming Kringle’s beard? Turner was starting to look like a dazed member of the Hell’s Angels in Gimmie Shelter.

No, you dolt! They won a third NLCS game! A third! Final score: Dodgers 6, Cub-Schlubs 1

Darvish’s fake-bunt AB was hypno-gold! Is this team really just one game away from a World Series trip?

No…this is all a dream…it’s 2012 and this Guggenheim Group is pulling out all the stops man, we just traded for Adrian Gonzalez! Dude this is going to be sweet, Carl Crawford is a hell of an outfielder and Beckett has some more gas left in the—

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Haha, we couldn’t resist…yes, the Dodgers are one game away…can they really do it? Just once?

Can’t we finally find a way to make it right?

You mean make the magic last for more than just one night?

I know we could break through it, if we could just get to it, just once!

James Ingram is grossly underrated. That’s all there is to it…

What about the Cubs flipping their bats in a flip-off to Puig?

Yeah, they’re all model citizens. It’s a good thing the Cubs and their fans exist so that the children of the world have solid folks to look up to…just ask Steve Bartman.

The Dodgers are swinging the bats better than Adam West’s Batarang…Taylor deserves a medal.

He should never pay for a meal at El Compadre again.

Who’s pitching tomorrow?

Us! Rascalsoftheravine have been chosen to pitch the first five innings in tomorrow’s potential clincher!

Huh?

We won a contest on the Petros and Money show…they said we could pitch…we called up and they said “What’s up?” and we said “Not muccchh, just seeing if I could win that contest to pitch Game 4 of the NLCS.”

Their response?

“That contest doesn’t exist, we’re just giving away Philippe’s gift certificates, you drunk.”

Seems odd that such a huge game would be decided by a radio contest winner…

More have been decided by less!

What does that even mean?

Okay, you got us, we’re not pitching tomorrow…we’re going to Langer’s for pastrami chili-fries….

Fred Roggin really sells those ads, doesn’t he? 

Rick Monday’s reads for Daniel’s Jewelers are Godlike too…

Conway’s baldy ads are pretty hysterical…

Enough about radio ads! Can the Dodgers provide payback tomorrow for that middle finger the Cubs thrust in the Dodgers’ face earlier this season (read the rascalsoftheravine article “Classless Cubs Rub It In At Wrigley” for further insight—Steamin’ Shan)

We are one step away…bring on Aaron Judge and his giant beaver-like chompety-choppers (the man puts the Jaws character in the James Bond films to shame.)

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Club Cubs, Enrage PETA in Game One of NLCS

more piper less dead

October 15, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

It feels like eons since Los Dogs took Game One of an NLCS! Can you dig it?

“Yes I can, and I’ve been waiting such a long time…”

Ah! Lyrics from Chicago’s “Saturday In The Park”, right?

Well, it certainly wasn’t their Saturday in that Game One loss, heh heh…

Puig’s jack was boss, he nearly had two!

Yeah, Larry King went into an improvisational dance right in front of us…his Geritol flew out of his pocket and exploded all over the VIP concourse like a thousand marbles…

What’s with Mary Hart’s hubby? His blue aviators were freaking us out!

Yeah, he’s right behind home plate (just slightly to the right if you’re watching on TV) and he’s rocked some nutty outfits during the playoffs so far…some of his duds remind us of garb we’ve seen on the Carol Burnett Show, Match Game, or The Love Boat…

Turner’s beard is getting out of control…l thought I saw a squirrel jump out of that thing last night…

Yeah, it looks like he’s about to start an Independent Nation or open up a community garden…

If he starts listening to the Grateful Dead we’ll have an intervention…

Hippies need more “Piper at the Gates of Dawn” and less “Noodly Songs For Tepid Twits”…

How about Chargin’ Charlie Culberson’s big sac fly?

That sounds like a kids book from the ‘70s…

What about Tayyyyloooorrr’s home run?

Somewhere, Linda Harrison was jumping up and down and clapping…

What about that crazy play at the plate? Safe!!!

Jacked up Joe Maddon compared the play’s outcome to the soda tax in Chicago, eeessshhhh…we think it was more like the dreaded hot dog tax in Houston or the horrifying bubble gum tax in Santa Fe or the ungodly heroin tax in Seattle…

I’m eager for Seager’s return! Will it happen tonight?

Not sure about that…

How about Maeda coming out of the pen again!

Yes, his pregame ritual now consists of a Aloha Burger from Jollybee, a solemn viewing of Tora! Tora! Tora!, and a half-dozen joints with Vic “The Brick” Jacobs, Ima sugu ikimashou!

Brilliant! Who’s pitching today?

Rich “Can’t Buy A Thrill” Hill will take on Lester The Molester at 4:30 BEST COAST TIME…

We’re feeling you!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Darvish Deals Death To D-Backs, Dodgers Advance To NLCS

murray vs rascalsoftheravine

October 9, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Bellinger and Barnes bashed blue bombs!

Yeah, Darvish dealt, the bullpen battened down the hatches. Joc Pedersen pogoed to the hits…final score: Dodgers 3, D-Backs 1.

Shocked at the sweep! They stranded a bunch of runners tonight…

Yeah, but they’re playing with confidence heading into the NLCS, could this be the year they finally get over the hump?

No.

What do you mean, no? You’re the positive one!

Just kidding, they looked damn good against Arizona, bring on those rotten Cubs…and Bill Murray…hell, bring on all the Murrays, every damn one of—

What the hell do you have against Murray?

He’s a Cub fan, that’s all I need to…all right, full disclosure, he crashed my mom’s funeral because he thought it was a German wedding and everyone there still loved him even though he took a selfie with the corpse.

Quit whining, the DODGERS WON THE DS AND ARE INCHES AWAY FROM A PLACE THEY HAVE NOT BEEN TO SINCE 1988!

Oakland?

No, Einstein, the World Series!!

Do you think Larry King could take Bill Murray?

Oh, here we go again…no.

What if it were a knife fight? King looks like he can handle a blade, I’d put odds on–

Look, the Cubs aren’t even a lock yet, sure they have a 2-1 lead in the series, but Washington could easily—

The problem with tangling with the Murrays is their overall numbers…I saw B.D. Murray in that Mexican Restaurant at the Burbank Airport once and—

Okay, fine, Larry King could take Bill in a knife fight, are you happy now? Can we get to NLCS banter? Los Dogs are hitting better this year than they have in postseason failures of the recent past…can the bats remain hot?

Who will start in Game One for the Dodgers?

What are you, a pampered scribe? You know who will start…

Ryu! Just kidding, it’s that Clayton fellow…if anyone deserves a ring, it’s C.K.

If Darvish can replicate what he did tonight (minus the wild beaning that nearly caved that dude’s face in) then the Dodgers have a real chance to—are you watching the knife fight from West Side Story? You have to let the Murray thing go, man…

Larry King can take them!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Puig’s Panache Pulverizes Desert Dwellers as Dodgers Take Game Two

let's make some noise

October 8, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Let’s Make Some Noise!

The Tubes song?

No, Rich Hill held up a sign that said “Make Some Noise” for all the crowd to see…

Yeah, we’re just messing with ya, we saw it, he broke about 12 MLB codes and will face Doug Neidermeyer in a kangaroo court today…

Well, It looks like the Dodgers should take this series after that 8-5 victory last night…

Not so fast! The series continues in Arizona on Monday, and—Lee Corso?! Where did you come from? Oh, the catch phrase, “not so fast”, yeah, we know it’s yours, sorry…do you actually appear anytime anyone uses it just to scold them? You do, huh…okay, good to know…

Never mess with a man that partied with Burt Reynolds…that’s all I’m saying…

Anyway, the series heads to Arizona…the Dodgers are looking good to win it, but it ain’t over yet…

How bout Five-Inning Fanny coming out of the pen last night?

Yeah, Maeda’s perfect for pen work these days and he sure showed it…

Puig is on fire!

It’s a gas to see him contributing and having a ball in the postseason, indeed…

“If you want to ride, get on the Wild Horse”

Haha, if you’re referring to the Laid Back song from ’83, it’s “White Horse” not wild horse…

I know, but Dodger Stadium should play the hell out of it, especially when Puig comes to bat…

Laid Back were a Danish duo, just in case you were wondering. “White Horse” is the B-side of “Sunshine Reggae”. It’s also about inhaling ungodly amounts of cocaine…and Danish penis…

Thanks, professor…who do the Dodgers face in AZ on Monday?

THE ONE WHO SHOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN AWAY…Zack Greinke…which is why we say, “Not so fast”

Did Lee Corso appear again?

Damnnit…yes…and this time he brought Tommy Trojan with him, and they look pissed…

Who’s hurling for the Dodgers on Monday?

Dashing Devilish Dangerous Darvish…

And his Danish penis?

What? No…uh-oh, Tommy and Corso are breaking furniture…we gotta get out of here…

They better not touch Oliver the Tiki!

Damn it, why did you say that! Corso just started dry-humping him…

Tommy Trojan?

No, Oliver the Tiki, you dolt!

Do you think the Rams can take the Seahawks today and get to 4-1?

This is not a Rams blog!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Torpedo Taijuan’s Seasoning, Take Game One

our tiki

October 7, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

What a scene at the Ravine!

Larry King did the cha-cha-cha.  Mary Hart passed out skewered snake tapas. Dennis Gilbert danced with a midget.

Hey, did you guys eat the double bacon cheeseburger with the donut bun last night?

We didn’t stop there! Kringle’s three-run blast in the bottom of the first almost made us drop our fried chicken and ice cream sandwiches. Almost. Final score: Dodgers 9, Snakes 5. Good thing USC Medicine is a sponsor because a couple of our staffers needed a quick defib post-game after all that grease inhalin’.

Grease is the word! What about Puig’s tongue-taunting triple?!

Yeah, he turned on the jets faster than Kurt Russell in The Strongest Man in the World.

Kersh gave me quite a scare in the seventh with those back-to-back jacks.

I’d be more worried about Hill and Darvish’s starts…

Who’s pitching for the Snakes tonight?

Robbie Rist. You may remember him from his stint as Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch.

You mean Oliver the tiki? The one that Vincent Price talks to in the cave during the Bunch’s Hawaiian stint?

Different episode…funny that you mention that, we acquired that very tiki and it stands proudly in our rascalsoftheravine headquarters…

Rich Hill is not The Bishop!

That is the worst nickname, we refuse to use it…we’ve given him plenty of better ones throughout the season…

How will “Bunker” Hill fare tonight?

The Magic 8-Ball in our office says “Too goddamn foggy to tell”…

I thought the “Magic 8-Ball” in your office was just a giant pile of cocaine…

It was…until Kelsey Grammer stopped by….Never. Again.

Did he have Vince Neal in tow?

Nope, he had Gary Coleman as his party Wonder Twin that night…

But Gary Coleman’s dead!

That’s what we thought too! Yet there he was…trying to steer us all towards a Hamburger Hamlet…

Did Ketel Marte shoot Ketel One into his veins after last night’s loss?

Stands to reason…

Is Brandon Drury a druid?

Obviously…

Does Jake Lamb prefer Shawarma?

Yes he does, so tonight the Dodgers will be hawking a Lamb Shawarma wrap dipped in caramel and coated with angel dust…

Sold!

Until tomorrow, mirth-seekers!!!

Big Five? Dodgers Clinch NL West Again (Yawn)

114972105

September 23, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Tommy Lasorda strode through the champers drenched locker room like an Italian Terminator as the Dodgers won their fifth NL West title in-a-row.

Take that, hated ones!

It was nice, but the fans don’t really care. There is only one goal, one dream…

A young, blind ice skater twirls her way into America’s hearts with an Olympic gold medal performance for the ages!

Uh, wrong dream…

Don’t ever say Lasorda doesn’t have his beer goggles on! Tommy Brew-hama!

Yeah, he looked insane…the expression on his face in that pic (see the Dodgers twitter page for the photo) is the look that he gives us during Spring Training…

It screams “I am hungover, and I will kill you all”!

Indeed…

Now what?

Now rascalsoftheravine takes a hiatus until the playoffs start, Jamaica here we come!

Speaking of Jamaica, the Dodgers have won their fifth (Big Five) straight NL West title. Is Big Five the best reggae record of all time?

It is a great one…Prince Buster dominated Orange Street…from boxer to DJ/soundsystem lord to singer…check out Prince Buster Live also, it was recorded in England in ’65 or ’66, insane stuff…The English Beat covered a couple of his tracks…

Dodger fans are starting to resemble Braves fans in the ‘90s (yeah, great, another division title, just get to the damn World Series and win, meatballs)

That’s kinda true, but there won’t be any empty seats at Dodger Stadium during the DL like there were in Atlanta…

So you guys will really be MIA till the playoffs begin?

Yeah, the season’s basically over, we’re a little banged up, there isn’t a rascalsoftheravine staffer that isn’t hobbling around in some way, so we need a breather before the madness begins…

Didn’t Madness get their name from a Prince Buster song?

Yep.

Who’s pitching today?

We don’t care, the regular season is over…

Oh, right…well what am I supposed to ask then?

You could ask for a better route from the west side to central L.A.

Is there a better way than Wilshire?

You take Wilshire? You poor sap! Get down to Barrington and take Missouri east to Sawtelle, then hop on Olympic down to Highland, take 3rd east from there…

When will rascalsoftheravine return?

The day before the playoffs begin.

I’ll just have to play “The Day Before You Came” by Blancmange until you guys return…

It was actually an ABBA song, Blancmange covered it (and charted higher in the UK charts as it reached no. 22)

In Japan it reached No. 5!

And we’ve come full circle!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!

Injury Bug Bites As Dodgers Chill Phills

rascalsoftheravine's jam

September 21, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

They stepped on Bellinger’s balls. They tried to break the tiny bones in Justin Turner’s hand. They booed Santa Claus…

Yet, Los Dogs prevailed in The Athens of America, 5-4.

Bring on the Hated Ones.

Is Turner okay?

Turner was hit by a pitch and ended up with a bone bruise. Those hurt. Some drunk jerk in a purple truck nearly ran over one of our staffers in front of a Der Wienerschnitzel once…bone bruise on the shin…no fun.

Ethier hit a home run!

Yeah, he’s been huge off the bench…could this mean the return of Andre’s foodie blog, Dining With Dre?

Will the Dodgers clinch at home tomorrow?

Yes, but only if Dieter Ruehle plays “(Ain’t Nothin’ Gonna) Break My Stride” by Matthew Wilder.

Who’s pitching?

The old wide receiver from Notre Dame, Jeff Samardzzijjjazazzjjjajzzarrrrjjzzzzjjzzza…

Son of Sam! Who’s hurling for the Dodgers?

Rich “Dill” Hill, a man obsessed with Vlasic Pickles…

You just know that pelican on the jar is riddled with ticks…

Yeah, but he talks like Groucho Marx and pretends that the pickles are cigars…kind of like Monica Lewinsky!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Downed Again As Phils Phoil Clinch-Cinch

rascalsoftheravine's fave song

September 21, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The natives are restless.

Dodger fans all over the city are biting nails and gobbling Alka-Seltzer at an incredible rate. Los Dogs have regressed to mediocrity as the overachieving club that dominated the game after the All-Star break seems to have all but have disappeared…final score: Phillies 7, Dodgers 5. The Dodgers will try to avoid a four-game sweep this morning at 10:05 local time. Los Dogs have now lost 20 of their last 25 games as they limp towards the postseason…how bout them Rams?

Do you think the Rams can take the 49ers on the road tonight?

Normally we’d tell you that this isn’t a Rams blog, but what the hell, Los Dogs are too depressing to discuss right now…

When is the Dodger clinch party going to start?

Well, they’ve already clinched a playoff spot, they’re just trying to win the West at this point…they really should just keep the corks in the champers until they get to the World Series though…anything short of that simply won’t do…at least that’s what Mary Poppins told us.

Who’s pitching today?

Five Inning-Fanny, we warned you that he’d stand pat at a dozen games this season…he has “12-game winner” tattooed on his forehead…he’s useless after August…

What about for the Phills?

Mark “Bic” Leiter…the man likes to play with fire.

Is “Play With Fire” the best song that The Rolling Stones ever recorded?

Yes.

Arthur Brown’s “Fire” isn’t bad either…

True.

Is Heather Locklear in Firestarter?

Yeah, we saw her at a Ralph’s in Encino one morning…she looked angrier than on that TJ Hooker episode where Romano snaps her bra…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Washington Whipped! Dodgers Say, “Gimmie Five!”

rascalsoftheravine fan club

September 17, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The ship is apparently back on course as the Dodgers have won their second series in-a-row and aim for the sweep today in Chocolate City. The magic number to win the west has been cut down to five. Kind of like our limit on KFC’s Georgia Gold Chicken (otherwise we would eat several buckets…like Dom Deluise or that chick from Precious…)

Roberts says the team is trying to “get that swagger back”, can that happen?

No. Even if they win every series leading into the playoffs…that losing streak rankled and remains at the forefront in the minds of fans…

Do you think that the Rams can take the Redskins today cause it should—

THIS IS NOT A RAMS BLOG!

What about the Trojans last night?!

Okay, we’ll talk about that. We thought Longhorn scorn would topple the Trojans again, but USC remained cool till the end…incredible win…

Want to hear about another incredible win? You could save 15% on car insurance by switching to—

What the hell are you doing? We don’t have any sponsors, you dufus!

Yeah and it’s getting old! I want to advertise something, dammnnitt!

We already shilled for Kentucky Fried Chicken, what more do you want?

How about a Lowenbrau ad?

Hmmmm…tonight is kind of special…maybe we could use a beer with something MORE…

Yeah, a beer that we pour must say something MORE, somehow…

Well, let it be f*%^kin# Lowenbrau, then.

Who’s pitching today?

Noodles. He’s a bullpen baby in the playoffs fo sho….

He does kind of look like a giant infant…a Korean Baby Huey, if you will…

Or some kind of Devo illustration from New Traditionalists

I’ll take a Flicker Button, an Action Vest, and a New Traditionalist Pomp, stat!

We prefer the Sleeveless Maxi Turtleneck, ourselves…

Who’s hurling for the naughty Nats?

Stephen Stressburg, that guy is high strung!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Bellinger Bombs McCovey Cove In Actual Series Win

rascalsoftheravine's fave show

September 14, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Dodgers have won a series! Hated ones be damned!

Final score: Dodgers 4, Giants 1…

The team that couldn’t lose a game became the team that couldn’t win a game became the team that actually won a series!

Huh?

It’s confusing, isn’t it?

Let October begin, already!

Easy now…the Dodgers should probably win another series or two before the big battle…

If you guys could hit a magic button and make the playoffs start today, would you?

What did we just say? Let em win another series or two! However, if they go into the tank again before the playoffs begin, that would be bad…hmmm…what to do…is Adam-12 still streaming on Amazon?

Knock it off! The Dodgers magic number is 7, right?

They’ve already clinched, besides, we thought three was the magic number!

Enough with the De La Soul references, the magic number is 7!

Well, actually, De La Soul sampled the Schoolhouse Rock track “Three Is—

Leave Prince Paul out of this! Do Los Dogs have a day off today?

Yes, they’re traveling to Chocolate City to take on the naughty Nats…

Will the Nat Nuts be there?

Yes, and for those of you who don’t know about the Nat Nuts, they’re a group of drunken urologists who dress up like giant testicles and bounce around the upper deck during games…

The Dodgers could use some action like that in the Top Deck area…

Look for “The Blue Ballers” to debut soon!

Who’s pitching for Los Dogs?

Alex Wood…he’s been reverting back to the old Alex Wood in the second half of the season…the old Alex Wood was not so good…

Who’s hurling for the Nationals?

A man named TBD…hmmm, funny no picture…weird name too…perhaps he was a DJ or something? “TBD” on the wheels of steel? Could be a trendy street drug…TBD is rotting the minds of our youth!

It means “To Be Determined” genius’…

Oh, REALLY?

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!