Dodgers Total Bus In Freeway Fiasco

satan in the outfield

June 27, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

This is why we hate the Freeway Series.

The Dodgers’ 10-game super streak has been snapped by those smarmy Angels in the outfield. The good news is that Rich Hill’s arm didn’t fall off and he only coughed up three runs in seven innings. What we want to know is, how the hell did icky Ricky Tabasco (3-9) beat Los Dogs? His pact with Satan obviously came into play.

The real dirt on the series? There’s no rivalry, the games are snores, and the Dodgers usually lose. What’s not to love?

The Angels will roll out Dodger reject, Jesse Chavez (5-7, 5.15 ERA) tonight. He stinks, so it’s a cinch he’ll hold Los Dogs to three hits.

The Dodgers will send Kenta Maeda to the hill. Enjoy seeing him now, because he’ll break down like a Chevy Vega come September.

Hey, wait a minute! Was Joseph Gordon-Levitt at the game last night flapping his damn arms? No wonder the Blue Crew choked!

This is all starting to make sense now, one of our staffers spotted Danny Glover outside the gates, but we just thought he was protesting about the lack of rights for hot dogs…

Will Kole Calhoun realize he has the name of a Civil War general? Will Maldonado, Marte, and Maybin make merry with Madonna? Will Juan Graterol license his last name to a grate cleaning product?

Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Reach 10, Bo Derek Not Impressed

dodgers streak hits 10

June 26, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

10 in-a-row. 2 1/2 games in first.

Kudos to the Dodger marketing gurus for having Dudley Moore throw out the first pitch yesterday. Wait, what? He’s dead? No wonder Andrew McCarthy was out there propping him up!

The plan originally was to make a nod to the Ten album by The Stranglers but Hugh Cornwell skedaddled once he realized he wasn’t throwing out the first pitch for a cricket match. He did, however, get into a drunken brawl in the Mascot’s Tunnel with Dinger, the Rockies costumed dinosaur. Cornwell was rushed to hospital and ended up needing 72 stitches in his jaw…

Hey, pampered scribes! Bellinger’s only up to 24 jacks not 25 (MLB.com incorrectly lists Bellinger at 25 in yesterday’s game wrap) he has two more to go before he catches da Judge, capisce? 

The Rockies didn’t put up much of a fight during the three-game sweep, can Los Dogs roll over the low-life Angels? The Dodgers don’t seem to fare well versus the American League, but the Angels are plain stink-o this year…perhaps their new box office vehicle, Satan in the Outfield, will turn things around for them.

Brandon McCarthy’s meltdown was lost in the comeback shuffle yesterday. The grim mortician went all Mark Wohlers and forgot where the strike zone was. B-Mac even clocked a snoozing Tommy Lasorda with a pitch that was 54 feet outside the strike zone.

We’re loving this run, but, we still can’t envision what a postseason rotation post-Kersh is going to look like. How healthy will Wood, Hill, and the grim mortician (if he recovers) be in September? The Dodgers still don’t have a pitching staff built for the playoffs. If they do nothing to beef it up before the trade deadline…it will be like every other year they rest on their laurels and get burned.

Ricky Nolasco takes the hill for the Angels tonight in hopefully what will be his 10TH loss of the season…hinky Rich Hill gets the start for Los Dogs.

Will Hill eschew Escobar and Espinosa? Will Nolasco go knock-kneed over Puig and Pederson? Will rascalsoftheravine revel in The Rave-Ups with Ben Revere?

Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!!

Dodgers Hit No. 9, Beethoven and Lennon Miffed

Dodgers go for third sweep in-a-row

June 25, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

That’s right, folks, with the 4-0 victory over Colorado last night, Los Dogs have won their ninth game in-a-row and their 50th overall. Jack Lord sent a card from Hawaii.

The Rox have done anything but shock. King Kersh mowed em down like bowling pins. They even walked Clayton with the bases loaded. The Dodgers are going for their third series sweep in-a-row this afternoon, which leads us to…

Today is “Bert the Chimney Sweep” day at Dodger Stadium. Anyone that arrives at Chavez Ravine dressed like Bert from the fine Disney film, Mary Poppins will receive a steak and kidney pie, a bottle of Beefeater Gin, and black lung.

Who’s pitching today?

The grim mortician, Brandon McCarthy.

What about for the Rox?

Tyler “Neo” Anderson (not nicknamed for his shared moniker with Keanu Reeves’ character in The Matrix, but for his addiction to the “Neo Geo” game system by Nintendo).

Do people really sing “The Never Ending Story” by Limahl at Trevor Story whenever he walks by?

As far as we know…

Does DJ LeMaheiu really munch on frog legs on the bench during games?

So we’ve heard.

Is Carlos Gonzalez nicknamed Cargo because of his obsession with the Men At Work album Cargo?

Yes, and before you ask, the Rockies did travel to Dodger Stadium “in a fried-out combie on a hippie trail, heads full of zombie…”

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Wood Breaks Rox, Puig Pokes Another

steiner and Monday's man

June 24, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Eight in a row. Somewhere, Dick Van Patten is smiling.

An army of terminators couldn’t stop the blazing Blue Crew from picking up their eighth win in-a-row and increasing their lead in the NL West to 2.5 games.

What happened to those cocky Rockies?

It won’t get any easier for them as they face the greatest pitcher in the modern era…Hyun-Jin Ryu! Just kidding, it’s Kershaw, you musta thought we were downing terp there for a minute!

Speaking of terp benders, we’re still trying to figure out Charley Steiner’s schedule…sometimes he’ll do TV for a few innings, then call the rest of the game on radio with Rick Monday…

Have you ever wondered what Steiner and Monday get up to after the game? Dan Tana’s? The Pacific Dining Car? The Palm? Sadly, it’s probably sleep…those guys work pretty hard…perhaps they quaff goblets of burgundy before hand…all kidding aside, we saw the duo emerge from a Flemings Steak House in Arizona during Spring Training one year…it was like witnessing Elvis and Tom Jones head out for a night on the town…lock up your daughters!

As we mentioned above, Clayton Kershaw gets the start for Los Dogs tonight, “Chatty” Chatwood (not nicknamed for his ability to gab, but for his unparalleled “chat” on the microphone in various dancehalls throughout Jamaica) will take the hill for Colorado.

Is DJ LeMahieu actually a DJ? Will Trevor’s story ever be told? Will someone tell Charlie Blackmon that he’s actually white?

Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Crush Crybaby Mets, Prepare For Purple Gang

purple gang comes to LA

June 23, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Well, they can’t blame Chase Utley this time.

After reaming the ramshackle Reds, Los Dogs have swept the mediocre Mets. Ba-ba-broom.

The Mets head back to the rotten apple with their tail between their legs as the best coast prepares for a real battle.

Pete Coors and the Purple Gang roll into town (literally, they roll joints all the way into Los Angeles, weed’s legal in Denver, capisce?) tonight to take on the boisterous Blue Crew.

The stakes? First place in the NL West. The steaks? Pretty good, if you hit up the Pacific Dining Car before the game.

Alex Wood, grandson of Natalie Wood, will take the hill for Los Dogs. Kyle Freeland (who once tried to start his own independent nation, “Freeland”, in the hills of Colorado) gets the start for the Rockies.

Will Wood wipe-out whimsical Wolters? Will Freeland flambé Forsythe and Franklin? Will rascalsoftheravine revel in rotgut rye with Reynolds?

Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Sad Sack Mets Boo Hoo Puig’s Panache

Mets Fan

June 22, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

No team is full of more idiotic bravado than the Mets, and boy, did they show it during the 8-2 beatdown Los Dogs put on them last night.

They have a moronic outfielder who has a supercar for every day of the week. Their pitchers are nicknamed after superheroes. Their mascots flip off fans.

But, don’t you DARE have fun while you beat them (at home !?!?) and you’d better sprint around those bases if you hit a bomb. We love the whole “let us be ourselves and celebrate” mantra that bounces around the league EXCEPT in the case of Yasiel Puig, who’s expected to act like a combo of Cal Ripkin Jr., Christy Mathewson, and Richie Cunningham.

Why Are The Mets So Mean?

Because they suck. They have the talent to get the World Series and they won’t. They’re under a big spotlight in cretin town and there are lotsa games left.

Can’t Cespedes take the team out for lattes in his supercar just like in Zoolander? Won’t that ease some of their pain?

Maybe…

Can’t the team drown their sorrows at Billy Joel’s house? He seems like he’d have a pretty big wine cellar…

We don’t think anyone on the Mets knows who Billy Joel is.

Does Joel live in that house on the cover of the Glass Houses album? 

You’re getting way off track here…

Will some of the Mets’ players cry if Puig hits another home run tonight?

What do you think? They’re born bawlers…get it?

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

L.A.’s Bash Brothers Maul Mets Mightily

seager and bellinger???

June 21, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Dodgers are hitting home runs, lots of them.

Seager hit three last night in the 12-0 Met mashing. Pitchers, who needs em? The Dodgers have scored 40 runs in their last 4 games. Bellinger’s up to 22 jacks in his first 52 GAMES! No player in MLB history has reached that number quicker! Take that, Joltin’ Judge! Do Los Dogs have their very own bash brothers? Seager and Bellinger conjure up memories of Canseco and McGwire…lions and steroids and mullets, oh my!

Look folks, this is weird for us. Balls don’t usually fly out of Dodger Stadium on a regular basis, it’s more of a pitcher’s park as y’all know. The fact that Los Dogs possess not one but TWO home run-Henries is wild. Sure, Gonzalez was a power hitter…was, ouch…but he was never “big stage, spotlight”, he was never really “clutch”, he quietly and consistently put up solid numbers for a few years, but it was nothing like what we’re seeing with the young guns now.

We know Seager is BONA FIDE. Can Bellinger keep this up all year?

Hey, who knows how long this will last? It looked like the league finally had Bellinger’s number a couple of weeks ago, but no dice. They still may figure him out soon…our point? ENJOY IT.

3-Lock Box?

If the season ended today, we would look stupid. Shocking, we know…we certainly DID NOT predict a 3-way race with Colorado and Arizona and COULDN’T HAVE IMAGINED the the Giants would stink so sourly in the first half. Hey, there’s lotsa baseball left, but what a screwy start!

The duke out with the Rocks that shock should be a wild one this weekend. Folks that bought tickets early in the season for the Mets series may be wishing they could trade them in for the clash with Colorado! Who woulda thunk?

Rich Hill gets the start for Los Dogs tonight, and boy does he need a good one…unless the Dodgers want to put up thirty runs in the first five innings for him…which may just happen considering the tear they’re on.

Tyler “Bitter” Pill will take the hill for the Mets. The call him “bitter”, not because of the obvious “bitter pill” thing, but because of his addiction to Angostura bitters…he picked up the craving whilst stationed in the South Pacific in ’42. We’ll admit, a Singapore Sling sounds pretty good right about now!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Naughty Mr. Met Makes Scene At Ravine

mr met in mascot's entrance

June 19, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Hold on to your hats, kids! The free-fingering master of mischief will be making merry at Dodger Stadium tonight! We’re talking about none other than Mr. Met himself, the same mascot that flipped off fans in the Big Apple a couple of weeks ago.

Sadly, the Dodgers don’t have a mascot for Mr. Met to mock battle, so we’re afraid that he’ll turn his salty ire to the crowd once more, protect your children at all costs!

You’ve read about the Mascot’s Entrance at Dodger Stadium in this ridiculous rag before (check out the fine article “Double-Digit Deja! Friars Flambeed Again On Opening Day!” for more info.) and we’re wondering what kind of trouble Mr. Met will get himself into down in that tunnel of shame!

King Kersh will attempt to corral his tenth win of the season against the mediocre Mets tonight, in what promises to be a mildly riveting battle of the ages. Seriously, it would be amazing to see Kersh get to twelve wins before the All-Star Break…remember when Kaz Ishii had 12 wins before the break in 2004? He ended the season at 13-8…あらいやだ!

Zack Wheeler takes the hill for the Mets…

When Zack Wheeler’s parents named him, were they thinking about little Zack’s future as a truck driver or country singer right off the bat? Correctional officer? Rodeo clown? Carny?

We marvel at some of the names around baseball…the Rockies currently have a player in the California League named Hamlet Marte. Did mom name him? Dad’s gotta be a little nervous! Somebody better keep an eye on Uncle Claude!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Ryu Reigns Over Ramshackle Reds, Puig Pokes A Pair

clarence boddicker day

June 17, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Ravishing Ryu helped reel in the Dodger victory today. Cincinnati unveiled a statue of Pete Rose before the game, the bronze figure was spotted laying a C-Note down on LA to win. Puig fed the Ohio River with two righteous rockets. Game two final score: Dodgers 10, Reds 2.

Big Dead Machine?

With the win on Friday night, the Blue Crew nabbed the season series from Cincinnati. Rick Monday danced like a forest elf in glee as he reported the above fact on the air yesterday. Kevin Kennedy (he HAS to be related to Stacy Keach) mumbled something about a cement mixer slider. Los Dogs now sit with the Snakes…one game behind the Rox in the NL West.

In game one of the series, Alex Wood chopped Reds batters into kindling as he only coughed up one run in eight solid innings worth of work. His record now stands at 7-0.

Daddy Lolo!

Game three of the series will be played on Father’s Day, which, oddly enough, happens to be Clarence Boddicker day at the Great American Ballpark. The first 30,000 fans through the gates will receive a Cobra assault cannon, a 6000 SUX, and twenty pounds of cocaine.

The dad-day matchup begins at 10:10 AM best-coast time…

The Mets roll into town on Monday…Wednesday night is Andre Ethier bobblehead night…hmmm…he hasn’t played much this year…how about Carl Crawford bobblehead night? Darren Dreifort bobb-o, perhaps? ANDRUW JONES NIGHT, hallelujah! Aw, to heck with it, we’ll just have to make due with our Manny Ramirez plushy.

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!

Puig Gives Twin Bird To Trash-Talking Tribe Fans

puig flips bird

June 14, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

People hate Los Angeles. Listen to any opposing team’s broadcast, and you’ll hear cheap shots all night long. We’re all phony, disinterested fans who just can’t wait to go surfing after the game’s over, heck, we’ll just leave to go surfing in the seventh inning (????). The steaming load of horse dung that opposing fans and broadcasters heap upon L.A. on a daily basis is sad, pathetic, and reeks of jealousy and ignorance. Basically, they’re all Jan Brady.

When Puig flipped off opposing fans at Progressive Field in Cleveland last night, he did it for the entire city of Los Angeles. It boggles our minds how pampered scribes and “educated fans” think that Puig has been Babe Ruth all these years, instead of the underachieving nutball we know him to be. Puig gets WAY to much crap for the level of player that he is. Midwestern “right way” BS “fans” hate him because of the bat flip and his wacky antics (although if anyone behaved exuberantly on their teams, they wouldn’t give a crap, you certainly wouldn’t hear any “right way” barf-inducing palaver from them).

It cracks us up that the ire of the league goes to Puig instead of Seager or Bellinger…you know, players that are actually good…alright, easy, Peanut Gallery, Puig DOES have a spectacular arm and he HAS been better at the plate so far this year…just back off, or it’s the double-bird for you, mister!

Los Dogs won their fourth straight last night after sweeping the Red menace at home. “Bellinger’s back and you’re gonna be in trou-ble, hey-ya, hey-ya, the Bellinger’s back!” Kid Cody clobbered two in last night’s tribal beating…

The Grim Mortician will take the hill tonight for Los Dogs. Corey Kluber (nicknamed “Klubby” due his unquenchable hunger for Club sandwiches) gets the start for the pow-wow set.

Meanwhile, back here at home, the promotion team at Dodger Stadium is designing giant foam middle-fingers to honor Puig during the next homestead! The bird is the word!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!