Grandy Man & Puig Plunder Pirates, Anger Johnny Depp

ken nordine meets rascalsoftheravine

August 21, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

King Curt tortures seafarers…

King Kurt played at Ridiculous Sponsor Park?

rascalsoftheravine loves King Kurt

If only it were so…sadly, Greg “The Smeg” Clayton and Alan “Maggot” Power were nowhere to be seen…

Ah. You guys are referring to Granderson’s Grand Salam-Salam…

“Baby, please! I am not from Havana…”

Puig’s panache finished em’ off, eh?

Yep, Yasiel’s having the best season of his career…

How about that Daniel’s Jewelers “Trip Around The Diamond!”

They’re not paying us…but Diamond by Spandau Ballet is a fine record…

Did it really take 12 innings to beat the Pirates?

Yes, and Luis Avilan, fetish boot designer (check our photos for his ad) earned the win…final score: Dodgers 6, Pirates 5.

Seriously, I could listen to Steiner or Monday read Daniel’s Jewelers commercials all day…

Yeah, Ken Nordine would be proud…

Was Kevin Kennedy getting giddy sans cocktails tonight?

We love that kind of stuff…Kennedy must be a gas three drinks in…

Do you think Monday and Kennedy frequent the Tiki Ti?

Hmmmmm….only during the quiet hour…a couple of quick “Space Pilots” and they’re on their way…

What do they listen to on the way to Dodger Stadium whilst half-crocked?

Double Fun by Robert Palmer, natch.

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Maeda Melts Down In Motown, Dodgers Smuggle Verlander Onto Team Plane

beehive

August 20, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Five-Inning Fanny was great through…five…then he went Fukushima in the sixth and coughed up four runs… Curtis Granderson hit a home run, which was nice…another Tony was lit up for two…final score: Tigers 6, Dodgers 1.

What about the Rams last night, did you see Goff? His poise was unbeliva—

Yeah, it was the best we’ve seen him…Raiders fans committed mass hari kari on their switchblades…

It looks like he finally has some weapons, that O-line wasn’t bad and—

Ahem. This is a Dodger blog…

Bryan Cranston suggested (to Steve Mason) that the Dodgers should just pack Verlander in their suitcase and take him with them…

Good idea, they can poke holes in the case for air and feed him Beggin Strips during the flight.

Who’s pitching in Pittsburgh tomorrow?

Alex Wood will take the hill in the land of George Romero…

Yeah, the Monroeville Mall was in Dawn of the Dead…it’s also in the novel Christine by Stephen King, right?

King and Romero were pals (they also worked together on Creepshow)Christine has several location nods to Dawn of the Dead…Christine is also the name of Romero’s wife…

Will zombies be a problem at Ridiculous Sponsor Park?

Yes, but don’t worry, the outfield is completely surrounded  by land mines…fans have to be wary because if anyone reaches over the railing to grab a foul ball and falls onto the field…KA-BOOM!

Who’s pitching for the plundering Pirates?

Gerrit Cole…his first name seems like a redneck misspelling of Garrett…

Will Jolly John Jaso be in the lineup?

Yeah, he earned his nickname by punching someone’s lights out on Christmas Eve…

Will Max Moroff make merry?

Merry Max and Jolly John have been kicked out of Wild Thingz, Climax, and the Beehive Showbar with more frequency than Andy Dick’s Buffalo Wild Wings ejections…

Andy loves to pull those tube tops down! How did he make it through the ‘70s?

Don’t know…more importantly, does he listen to The Tubes?

The Completion Backward Principle was a favorite in Junior High…

Where the hell is Fee Waybill? More importantly, how does a waybill differ from a house bill?

Not sure…how about Gurley last night, though! Looks like he’s going to have a great—

This is not a Rams blog!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Make Tiger Pelts at the CoPa, Manilow Enraged…

rascalsoftheravine are too old

August 19, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

“The CoPa” is the nickname that the higher ups pushed upon Comerica Park’s opening…hmmmm…if they pump the Barry Manilow song “Copacabana” every half inning and drive the fans crazy with it, we’ll be okay with the nickname…but only if they drive the fans crazy…

Gonzalez helped the Dodgers once again with a timely drive…final score: Dodgers 3, Tigers 0. Another series, another win…

Welcome back A-Gon!

What? You were just trashing him in the last post! You said his nickname was stupid! You called him “Garbage Time-Gonzalez!”

His power numbers were nearly nil last year…plus he costs over 40 million a season because the Dodgers are still paying Carl Crawford…

True, but if he can help the Dodgers (and he has in his first couple of games back) then more power to him…there was a time when he carried Los Dogs offensively…

Don’t blame me for being superstitious…do you think Joc Pederson will keep the “Dizzy” players weekend jersey, or will it remind him of being sent down?

Who knows? Maybe he keeps it for motivation…maybe he shreds it over Kingsford coals and torches it…

Will the Dodgers break the all-time season win record???

We’d rather have them win the World Series…when it comes to breaking records, feel free to smash anything by The Grateful Dead or Jane’s Addiction, we loathe those bands…

Swill, indeed…who will the Dodgers face tomorrow?

Justin Verlander.

Will he be a Dodger soon?

There are still rumors floating around…but, like the Baby Ruth bar at Bushwood, it probably ain’t the real deal…

Is Saturday night alright for fighting?

Well, most of us are nearly 50 years old around here…as you can tell from the balanced, mature journalism that this idiotic blog spits out…the only thing Saturday night is alright for these days is a bottle of Silver Oak and Level 42…

Ha, gone are the days of “Friday Night, Saturday Morning” by The Specials?

Just ask us who’s pitching for the Dodgers tomorrow…

Who’s pitching for the Dodgers tomorrow?

Kenta Maeda…God, that guy seems to always be on the mound…like every five days or so…

Maeda seems like a 12-win Wally, can he win a couple more games before he runs out of steam?

Maybe…who knows if he’ll make the playoff rotation…it would be nice to have him in the bullpen, though…

Do they have rodeo clowns in the bullpen?

Yes, Dinky and Dolly patrol the Dodger Stadium bully…do not feed Dinky fruit roll-ups and stay the hell away from Dolly when she’s been drinking terp…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Grab Tigers By Tail in Old Detroit

rascalsoftheravine staffer

August 19, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

“Old Detroit has a cancer, the cancer is crime…”

Yep, it was Robocop night at Ridiculous Sponsor Field in Detroit last night…Clarence Boddicker (huge Tigers fan) threw out the first pitch…Lewis sang the National Anthem…Murphy did doughnuts in center field in a 6000 SUX…

Who the hell won the game?

The Dodgers won, 8-5…Hill earned his 9th victory…Garbage Time-Gonzalez hit a RBI-double and later scored.

I’m still worried that A-Gon (worst nickname ever) will mess up the Dodgers mojo, even though he got a hit last night. “Don’t f*ck this up, Mitchell!”

Yeah, Captain Clutch, he ain’t…thankfully there are much better players to take the pressure off of him…we’ll see what happens…

Grand Slam?

Ah, you’re referring to Curtis Granderson…yup, he’s Los Dogs’ center fielder now…poor Dizzy has been optioned to Oklahoma City…we’re excited to have Curtis aboard, but it’s sad to see Pederson go, he’s quite the character and a hell of a defender (not to mention a clubhouse nutball.)

Who do the Mets get in the trade?

The Mets will receive a player to be named later and a shitload of cash. L.A. will also throw a case of Turtle Wax into the deal.

Who’s pitching today?

Noodles.

Who’s hurling for the torpid Tigers?

“Fap” Fulmer…he earned his nickname due to rigorous, non-stop…familial adenomatous polyposis…it affects the large intestine…

Does Andrew Romaine enjoy a good salad?

Stands to reason…

Mikie Mahtook my car keys again…have you seen them?

No, but don’t be shy about contacting JaCoby Jones, injury attorney…he also handles prank theft cases…

Is Dixon Machado really that macho?

Only south of the Mason-Dixon line…he turns into Jerry Lewis when he’s in Yankee territory…

Is Alex Presley related to—

Yes, he holds an annual LSD retreat at Graceland for the entire team…the Tigers’ mascot has been banned due to a sexual battery incident that occurred on the property…

Is John Hicks really a…

Hick? You betcha…he whittles figures of Confederate Generals whilst watching Hee-Haw reruns…

Is James McCann a can or can’t do kind of guy?

Can! He sings duets with Jose Iglesias in the clubhouse nightly…

Who picks the song that they sing?

Hmmmm…we suppose it’s really up to Justin!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Puig Punks Pale Hosiers, Tortured Tigers on Deck

rascalsoftheravine youth

August 16, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Darvish’s Dodger Stadium home-debut didn’t dazzle…

Heck, he only coughed up three, but he’s hard on himself…in the postgame presser he confessed that he would have to punish himself by reading J-Rod articles in Cut 4…in the end, it didn’t matter…Puig pounced on the Pale Hose in the bottom of the ninth to send them packing…final score: Dodgers 5, Black Sox 4…

Why does Dave Vassegh dress like an Enterprise Rent-A-Car clerk? He’s a Dodger reporter, you’d think he’d consult a goddamn Brooks Brothers or something…

Pampered scribes are too busy stocking up on…you guessed it, Pampers…you’re more likely to find mustard stains on faded polos…

Is Jordan Zimmermann pitching on Friday night for The Striped Frenzy?

Yeah, the Dodgers have the day off tomorrow…they will take a tour bus to the MC5 museum and chase reds and yellowjackets with Schlitz Malt Liquor whilst they listen to classic American rock and roll…it’s all part of the tour.

Do they call Jordan “Zimm”?

No, they call him Mann, as in Manfred Mann’s Earth Band…he cranks ’em before every start…

I was just listening to Criminal Tango on the way to the rascalsoftheravine headquarters…

Wait, you’re typing this from inside the building? How did you get past the security guards? Damn you, Dimitri! We thought we smelled someone smoking angel dust in the halls…

Let those Tigers loose, baby!

They’ll have to face Rich “Strawberry” Hill…his nickname is, of course, derived from his absolute willingness to sell his body for whippet hits…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!

Oh, Bummer! Dodgers Pound Pale Hose in Egregious 8th

hqdefault

August 15, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Valencia’s own Aaron Bummer coughed up a couple of costly runs to the Dodgers in their 6-1 victory over the Chicago White Sox…Bummer has retired to his Chevy van and hopes to smoke the pain away with some righteous Montrose, dudes.

Is A-Gon really coming back?

Well kind of…he’s just going to pinch hit and make burrito runs to Yuca’s Hut for the team.

Whew! We don’t want him screwing up the magic mojo Los Dogs are brewing up…

Oh, don’t be a bummer…

Do you think Bummer’s van is parked right outside Yuca’s Hut right now? Is he doing bong hits with Jerry “EQ” Miller from The Untouchables?

Ah, somebody’s been watching Repo Man, again…

rascalsoftheravine’s shoddy headquarters are right around the corner from the Repo Yard on Wall St. in downtown L.A. aren’t they?

Yes.

Do you guys hang out with the Rodriguez Brothers?

Del Zamora is a punk legend. We haven’t seen him since ’86, though (The Robocop set, Dallas, Texas, in fact)…now ask us about baseball…

Is Darvish dishing tomorrow?

Yep, his first two starts for L.A. were on the road…it’s the first time he’ll set foot on the Ravine’s mound as a Dodger…will he be a Nervous Norvus?

Nah. Who’s hurling for the Hose?

Carlos “DDT” Rodent…a man so ratty, he hordes cheese in his cleats.

I can smell the magic from here! Cody Bellinger better hit two jacks tomorrow, Judge crushed another and is now ahead by two…

Remember the judge in the video for “Pass the Dutchie”?

Are you kidding, I’m wearing a powdered wig right now!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!

All Sit! Bellinger Knocks On Judge’s Chambers

DOMO

August 13, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Can you feel him, A.J.? He’s breathing down your neck…

That’s right, kids, Cody B. blasted his 34th bomb last night to pull within one jack of Judge….alright, we’ll do the math for you…Judge has 35…final score: Dodgers 6, Padres 3…

Did Jesus throw Utley out of the game last night?

Ha, no, just some creepy little ump named De Jesus…he hangs out with De Judge all the time…in his chambers…where they do hits out of a chamber…

Why the big toss?

Utley dared to ask DE Jesus to move so he wouldn’t get blocked out of a play…how dare he!

Does De Jesus have a God complex?

Clearly.

The Dodgers have reached win 82, isn’t that a history-making—

Look, when the Dodgers sneeze they make history at this point…quit the rah rah routine, you sound like a pampered scribe…

Didn’t Kershaw just host some healthy lifestyle to-do?

Yeah, it got pretty ugly…he force-fed children Subway turkey sandwiches with mustard and jalapeño…

Jesus…

De Jesus?

No, the actual Jesus—never mind, who’s hurling today?

The original Five-Inning Fanny…

Who gets the start for S.D.?

Whoa, we thought you said S.T.D….which makes sense because San Diego is the S.T.D. capital of the world…

Who’s pitching for the Padres, damnnit?

Luis “Domo” Perdomo…a man clearly obsessed with “Mr. Roboto” by Styx.

Who isn’t? 

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Fall to Fruitcake Friars

tom petty doesn't like new wave

August 12, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Somewhere, a withered Tom Petty is stretching out his scarecrow arms and whispering, “You got lucky, babe…”

Yep, Los Dogs fell to scuffling San-D…final score: Padres 4, Dodgers 3.

Everyone knows the regular season is already over…bring on Shocktober…

The rascalsoftheravine staff may dress as The Heartbreakers again for Halloween…

Tom’s video for “You Got Lucky” was insane…inspired by The Road Warrior, right?

Yeah, like many other videos of the time…“Synchronicity 2” by The Police is an example…Escape From New York influenced a lot too…

‘80s videos are extremely paranoid, it’s hard to find one that isn’t. “Pressure” by Billy Joel, “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell, “Twilight Zone” by Golden Earring…the list goes on and on…I wonder why?

Perhaps it was the copious amounts of cocaine everyone was snorting…pair that up with Nuke fears and you have a hell of a stew…

Does Tom loathe video games? He sure took umbrage to the presence of Astro Invader…

Yeah, he seems like a Brit-New Wave hater too…yet there’s a synth that dominates “You got lucky”…bloody hypocrite…

Who’s pitching tonight?

Oh, that. Noodles will take the hill for Los Dogs.

What about for the Friars?

Jhoulys Chacin…the only thing he’ll be chasin’ during the off-season is a bullet train out of the smoking crater that is the San Diego sports scene…

You don’t think Bolts fans will make the trek to—

No.

But they’re going to sell out Home Depot Corner or Der Weinerschnitzel Center or whatever they’re calling that bandbox now…

Yeah, bandbox says it, it seats about 899 people…

True, this is Ram country, everyone knows it…will Raider fans be able to watch the Las Vegas team from their jail cells?

Unless there’s some kind of lock down again…

Where can i get some long Dickie shorts, little boy socks, black Vans, and a Howie Long jersey?

It’s pretty much the standard uniform at most correctional facilities…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Darvish Deceives Dastardly D-Backs

austin barnes' other life

August 10, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

It didn’t take long to bandy Banda about…

Los Dogs jumped on the bespectacled Tony to the tune of three runs in the top of the first and never looked back.

Final score: Dodgers 8, Diamondbacks 6.

Hey! We thought that Player’s Weekend started tomorrow!

Nope, it’s actually August 25-27th…

Damn you guys! We were looking forward to finding out the rest of the nicknames on the Dodger jerseys!

Easy, now! It can still be done! We leaked Turner, Bellinger, Utley, and Seager’s nicknames over the last couple of days…here’s what’s left…

Jansen=El Wino, not for his constant boozing, but because he can’t seem to stop whining about Dodger fans…

Puig=Pussy Pirate, not for his love of females, but for his feline frenzy…Puig currently owns 17 cats…

McCarthy=The Grim Mortician…his stoic demeanor and lanky frame says it all…

Darvish=R Yu Serious?…he’s a big fan of The Dark Knight…not Matt Harvey, the Batman film, silly…

Hill=Chill Pill…not for his hyper tense vibe, but because he can’t take pills at room temperature…he must put them in the freezer first…

Grandal=Grand Slam Breakfast…the man digs Denny’s, who are we to argue?

Forsythe=The Reaper…one can extract the word “scythe” from his last name…it’s the reaper’s weapon of choice, natch.

Gonzalez=Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown, and Don’t Come Back!…whew, those are lotsa words…sadly, they express the sentiment of most Dodger fans…

Ethier=Who?…not for his love of The Who, but because most fans can’t recognize him when shown a photo of the oft-banged up gourmand…

Barnes=Fish Heads…a popular song in 1978 by Barnes & Barnes…

Ryu=Noodles…the man shills for a noodle company…his doughboy frame indicates that he enjoys testing the product…

Taylor=Tail Tiger…the man ogles women’s butts…again, who are we to argue?

rascalsoftheravine=Ribald Royalty…gee, our very own jersey? We’re touched…not by an angel, but by beelzebub, himself, of course…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Reach Crazy 80 as Dizzy’s Double Dooms D-Backs

dizzy pederson

August 10, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Dizzy Pederson.

We’ve always called him “Crash” after his wild run-ins with outfield walls…but “Dizzy” will do just fine. Last night in Arizona, Dizzy’s RBI two-bagger helped earn the Dodgers their 80th win. Alex Wood won his 14th game, despite the fact that his nickname is “Woodman”…final score: Dodgers 3, Diamondbacks 2.

Does Alex Wood play a woodwind?

There are too many raunchy answers to that question to count.

Did Cody Bellinger hit his 33rd bomb of the season?

Why, yes, he did…we’re not getting into his silly nickname again.

Will Justin Turner’s jersey this weekend have “Kringle” stitched on the back due to his resemblance to young Santa?

Yep.

Will Seager’s read “Chopped Liver” due to his being overshadowed by Bellinger?

Uh-huh.

Isn’t Uh-Huh an album by John Cougar?

Righto…we always hated that Mellencamp tack-on to his last name…his nombre is John Cougar…so there.

Yu gotta be kidding? Darvish is on the hill tonight?

Devilish Darvish, snake-handler, will make Diamondback boots out of that AZ lineup…

Who’s hurling for the D-backs?

TONY Banda…another freaking Tony…Christ.

Hey, whassamattta? You gotta problem with Tonys?

Quit waving your arms around, the Dodgers have been plagued by Tonys in the bullpen…look, we have nothing against Tony Hadley, Tony Perkins, or Tony! Toni! Tone!

Will rascalsoftheravine reveal all the other Dodger jersey nicknames tomorrow?

You betcha.

C’mon throw us one more bone…

Chase Utley’s reads “Not a Bank.”

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!