Dodgers Torpedo Taijuan’s Seasoning, Take Game One

our tiki

October 7, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

What a scene at the Ravine!

Larry King did the cha-cha-cha.  Mary Hart passed out skewered snake tapas. Dennis Gilbert danced with a midget.

Hey, did you guys eat the double bacon cheeseburger with the donut bun last night?

We didn’t stop there! Kringle’s three-run blast in the bottom of the first almost made us drop our fried chicken and ice cream sandwiches. Almost. Final score: Dodgers 9, Snakes 5. Good thing USC Medicine is a sponsor because a couple of our staffers needed a quick defib post-game after all that grease inhalin’.

Grease is the word! What about Puig’s tongue-taunting triple?!

Yeah, he turned on the jets faster than Kurt Russell in The Strongest Man in the World.

Kersh gave me quite a scare in the seventh with those back-to-back jacks.

I’d be more worried about Hill and Darvish’s starts…

Who’s pitching for the Snakes tonight?

Robbie Rist. You may remember him from his stint as Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch.

You mean Oliver the tiki? The one that Vincent Price talks to in the cave during the Bunch’s Hawaiian stint?

Different episode…funny that you mention that, we acquired that very tiki and it stands proudly in our rascalsoftheravine headquarters…

Rich Hill is not The Bishop!

That is the worst nickname, we refuse to use it…we’ve given him plenty of better ones throughout the season…

How will “Bunker” Hill fare tonight?

The Magic 8-Ball in our office says “Too goddamn foggy to tell”…

I thought the “Magic 8-Ball” in your office was just a giant pile of cocaine…

It was…until Kelsey Grammer stopped by….Never. Again.

Did he have Vince Neal in tow?

Nope, he had Gary Coleman as his party Wonder Twin that night…

But Gary Coleman’s dead!

That’s what we thought too! Yet there he was…trying to steer us all towards a Hamburger Hamlet…

Did Ketel Marte shoot Ketel One into his veins after last night’s loss?

Stands to reason…

Is Brandon Drury a druid?

Obviously…

Does Jake Lamb prefer Shawarma?

Yes he does, so tonight the Dodgers will be hawking a Lamb Shawarma wrap dipped in caramel and coated with angel dust…

Sold!

Until tomorrow, mirth-seekers!!!

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