August 22, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith
It’s a long season.
Rick Monday mistakenly uttered “bitch” instead of “pitch” during the radio broadcast tonight…which, of course, sent our staff of austere, strict professionals into peals of laughter…some of us are still chuckling…top form brains, this lot.
Gonzalez “Satan is his father, and is name is Adrian” collected hit #2000, Brock was socked out of the contest, a man named Tony got the win…final score: Dodgers 8, Pirates 5…
Should we be worried? The top 3 starters are injured!
Yes. It’s all over.
Just kidding…look, they wrangled a W tonight, didn’t they? Let’s just hope they can all get healthy for Shocktober…
Who’s pitching tomorrow?
Rich “Solsbury” Hill, not nicknamed for his Peter Gabriel worship, but for his addiction to Salisbury Steaks and his poor spelling…
Who’s hurling for the Bucs?
Trevor “Kill Bill” Williams…not nicknamed for the overrated movie, but for his ability to kill bills on Capitol Hill…
Is Jordy Mercer merciful?
Nope, total sadist.
Is Chris Stewart related to Dave Stewart from Eurythmics?
Yep, he plays oboe on “Here Comes The Rain Again”…
Does Starling Marte own a chain of mini-marts called “Mini Martes?”
Yeah, they have good lamp burgers there.
Y’know, burgers that sit under a red light and gather flavor…we put mustard and onions on them…they are good…
Does Wimpy hit you up for free burgs with that whole, “I’ll pay you back on Tuesday,” shit?
Oh, you haven’t heard? We wish he was still a burger junkie…Wimpy graduated to Tiger Woods territory…Xanax, Vicodin, LSD, Heroin…last time we saw him, he was on Hollywood and Ivar committing lewd acts with a bowler hat for nickels and scratchers…
Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!