Dodgers Grab Tigers By Tail in Old Detroit

rascalsoftheravine staffer

August 19, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

“Old Detroit has a cancer, the cancer is crime…”

Yep, it was Robocop night at Ridiculous Sponsor Field in Detroit last night…Clarence Boddicker (huge Tigers fan) threw out the first pitch…Lewis sang the National Anthem…Murphy did doughnuts in center field in a 6000 SUX…

Who the hell won the game?

The Dodgers won, 8-5…Hill earned his 9th victory…Garbage Time-Gonzalez hit a RBI-double and later scored.

I’m still worried that A-Gon (worst nickname ever) will mess up the Dodgers mojo, even though he got a hit last night. “Don’t f*ck this up, Mitchell!”

Yeah, Captain Clutch, he ain’t…thankfully there are much better players to take the pressure off of him…we’ll see what happens…

Grand Slam?

Ah, you’re referring to Curtis Granderson…yup, he’s Los Dogs’ center fielder now…poor Dizzy has been optioned to Oklahoma City…we’re excited to have Curtis aboard, but it’s sad to see Pederson go, he’s quite the character and a hell of a defender (not to mention a clubhouse nutball.)

Who do the Mets get in the trade?

The Mets will receive a player to be named later and a shitload of cash. L.A. will also throw a case of Turtle Wax into the deal.

Who’s pitching today?

Noodles.

Who’s hurling for the torpid Tigers?

“Fap” Fulmer…he earned his nickname due to rigorous, non-stop…familial adenomatous polyposis…it affects the large intestine…

Does Andrew Romaine enjoy a good salad?

Stands to reason…

Mikie Mahtook my car keys again…have you seen them?

No, but don’t be shy about contacting JaCoby Jones, injury attorney…he also handles prank theft cases…

Is Dixon Machado really that macho?

Only south of the Mason-Dixon line…he turns into Jerry Lewis when he’s in Yankee territory…

Is Alex Presley related to—

Yes, he holds an annual LSD retreat at Graceland for the entire team…the Tigers’ mascot has been banned due to a sexual battery incident that occurred on the property…

Is John Hicks really a…

Hick? You betcha…he whittles figures of Confederate Generals whilst watching Hee-Haw reruns…

Is James McCann a can or can’t do kind of guy?

Can! He sings duets with Jose Iglesias in the clubhouse nightly…

Who picks the song that they sing?

Hmmmm…we suppose it’s really up to Justin!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

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