Dodgers Mutilate Moribund Mets, Bellinger Blasts 31st

San Jose's finest

August 6, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

If you play the Dodgers, you will lose.

Why do other teams even show up? Here’s our advice to those squads unfortunate to have Los Dogs on their schedule in the near future…kill yourselves.

The Dodgers hit five COUNT FIVE big jacks during yesterday’s whooopin of the miserable Mets…Bellinger, Taylor, Puig, Turner, and Seager all brought tears to the eyes of Citi Field’s (pronounce it like the City Wok owner on South Park) denizens as they reminded them of what a real team looks like. Final score: Dodgers 7, Mets 4.

Do the Mets stink on ice?

They don’t taste so bad if you pour some grenadine over them…

What sad-sack loser will they throw on the hill today?

Steven “Ding Dong” Matz (not nicknamed because of ding dong’s connection to door mats, but because of his addiction to Ding Dongs.)


Easy…not the Ron Jeremy kind of ding dongs, the Hostess chocolate cakes…

Who’s pitching for the Dodgers?

City Wok’s most frequent patron, the cherubic Hyun-Jin Ryu…

He is a very pudgy man…is there a Ryu plushy doll? Wouldn’t children all over the world line up to hug him?

You’re creeping us out…

Seriously, forget about Cabbage Patch Kids and Elmo…I want a Ryu plushy!

You’re about ten seconds away from being banned from this blog…

Are the Dodgers really taking Monday off to celebrate the birthday of your founder?

Yes, they are all going over to Shannon’s house to eat a birthday cake in the shape of Ronald McDonald.

Will there be clowns?

Yep. Shakes will be there.

Round Table Pizza and Atari?

You know it.

Will Christina Hendricks pop out of a giant cake?

A man can dream.

Where do the Dodgers play on Tuesday?

You mean who do they beat on Tuesday? Arizona.

When I was in my 20s I used to pound Arizona Grape after a night of partying…

The iced tea company has nothing to do with the Diamondbacks…

Oh yeah…some old New York broad used to shill for them…

…and we’ve come full circle!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

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