Dodgers Sweep Again as Farmer Fries Fran-Fran

yea, sports reporters

July 31, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Do the Dodgers have a giant Santa-sized sack of stud rookies or what?

Kyle Farmer is the latest to emerge from Kringle’s sleigh. His double in the 11th inning won the game for Los Dogs…final score: Dodgers 3, Giants 2…gee we wonder how Farmer felt after hitting that walk-off? Just kidding, we saw it on his face, we don’t need a verbal answer…

Let’s hear it for pampered scribes!

Can you imagine how awful it is to be a sports reporter? You basically spend your life chasing millennials around like an obsequious puppy begging for scraps. Reporters are either shills for the team or a network, so their questions are neutered and obvious. If it were up to us, there would be no postgame interviews at all in baseball, who watches or listens to that crap? We all know what the manager was thinking because we saw the decisions he made during the game.

The players loathe the media, they basically view every reporter as either a maggot or a cockroach. Can you imagine chasing Kenley Jansen down to ask if he wiped with Charmin after the game? If only the questions were that good, but they’re not…it’s more like “Hey, what were you thinking after you got that last out?” We love that one. Pampered scribes chase down players seconds after they hit game-winning shots and stick microphones in their faces to get insipid quotes. Why? Players aren’t Rhodes Scholars, they’re not going to have very interesting answers. When they say “I don’t have the words to express that moment,” it’s because they don’t. Players do not have great vocabularies. We all know what they are feeling in huge moments because we can see it on their faces. We don’t need to hear what they have to say.

So if the Dodgers offered you guys a job right now, you wouldn’t take it?

We would rather clean the floors of porn theaters with toothbrushes than chase goofy players around to ask how they’re feeling. We love how reporters all live tweet, like it’s 1885 and there’s no radio or television. “Justin Turner is on deck.” Ummm…yeah, we can see it…on the TV. “Kenley Jansen’s warming up.” Oh, really? Does he close games? “The sky is blue.” Is that what color it is? The whole thing is SUICIDE-INDUCING…how pampered scribes can cash paychecks with any conscience is beyond us…

Can you believe David Price taunting Eck on the team plane?

Yeah, that was disgusting. Boston’s the worst. Eck should have yanked out Price’s spleen and eaten it raw in front of the entire team. If you don’t know what happened by now, Eck said “ugh,” during a broadcast in reference to a pitcher that Price is bed buddies with…so Price went psycho and threatened Eck….for saying “ugh.” This is why coddling thin-skinned little millennials for a living is no way to go through life, son.

Do the Dodgers have the day off today?

Yes, but don’t take our word for it, check in with a pampered scribe’s Twitter page and you can see a picture of an empty Dodger Stadium with the caption “Dodgers not here.”

They start a three-game series with the Braves on Tuesday, right?

Yes, but again, we’re sure there’s an ESPN page with a picture of the team plane on a tarmac with the caption “Just landed in Atlanta,” out there somewhere…

Are the Dodgers excited about the series?

Jesus, what do you think—oh, we get it now, you’re pretending to be a pampered scribe…

What’s that big yellow thing up in the sky?

It’s called the sun.

Is the Earth flat or round?

It’s flat. Just ask Thomas Dolby.

Do you think the Dodgers will be happy if they win the World Series?

Man, that’s a tough one…we’d better send 47 of our crack reporters to Sun Trust Park to find out…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

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