July 4, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith
What was with the skinless frank craze?
If you take a look at retro hot dogs ads (and we do this a lot) you’ll notice that everyone’s gaga for frankfurters sans skin. Why? You don’t get that same snap without the skin, and…
What the hell are you talking about, this is a baseball blog, what about the damn game today?
Oh, we broke that down yesterday. Kershaw’s pitching for lucky 13. Corbin’s a robot, blah blah blah…
So, you’re just going to talk about hot dog skins today?
No, smart guy, we were just getting to the beer, sheesh!
There are SO MANY damn beers now…back in the day it was either Hamms, Bud, or something German in a green bottle…one would weave in front of the beer cooler in a daze until finally a Schmidt Sport Pack was selected.
So what kind of beer do you drink now?
Beer? Oh, we don’t waste our time with that any more, it’s too filling…nope, it’s straight to the bourbon for us.
Well then why did you mention beer before?
Because it’s the fourth, damnnitt, and it’s our American duty to talk beer on the fourth! You think the Diamondbacks drink beer? Hell no, they’re too busy munching on roadkill snakes! You think the Giants drink beer? All they consume is liquid LSD! Just look at their record!
So, you’re saying that the Dodgers drink lots of beer? We can’t imagine Kershaw pounding brews…
Actually, that’s not true, Kershaw allows himself one beer every year on the fourth of July. It is a bottle of Lone Star that sits under a refrigerated, sealed glass case until the big day. The beer has been blessed by Tommy Lasorda, Vin Scully, and Dan Patrick.
Why Dan Patrick?
Oh, you didn’t know about this? Dan Patrick takes it upon himself to enter the homes of famous sports figures and “bless” their beer. This usually means consuming the entire lot and then leaving one bottle behind filled with his urine, but hey, we all have our own definitions of “blessed”.
Will there be fireworks after the game?
Oh yeah, after AND before…Kelly Tennant is going to emerge from a giant, sparkle-clad cake in a red, white, and blue bikini armed with a t-shirt cannon that could hit Venice Beach. She took the gig at the last minute as Dave Vassegh proved too modest for the bathing suit.
Until next time, mirth-seekers!