July 3, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith
That’s right, kids, tomorrow’s the fourth. The Dodgers are hosting the D-Backs for an evening of explosive hijinks, so they took the day off to stock up on goodies. You know those roadside fireworks stands manned by gaunt, haunted-looking men that work in surplus stores most of the time? Los Dogs will be hitting lots of those…
Will there be any wacky promos?
Last year’s “Farmer John’s Make Your Own Hot Dog Day” was such a smash, it’s back again this year. Tykes will get to go through the entire hot dog-making process, from chopping hogs to munching dogs, it’s an adventure your family will never forget…and, boy, do we mean never…
Any celebrity appearances?
Steve Garvey will be performing prostate exams as he does every year in the Mascot’s Entrance tunnel, Alyssa Milano will work the kissing booth for charity, and Larry King will sit in a dunk tank full of gin. For a mere nickel, kids can get the chance to dunk the stately broadcaster…usually Larry just dunks himself after awhile if the kiddos can’t muster it…
King Kersh will attempt to get his 13th win before the All-Star break…Patrick Corbin will attempt to forget he has the name of a Century 21 realtor.
Will Yasiel Puig pull a Jason Pierre-Paul and blow some of his fingers off with fireworks?
Hmmmm…it does seem like something Puig would do…but nah, the Dodgers had to sit through a 20-minute 4th of July safety video hosted by Regis Philbin this year…so nothing can go wrong…
Is Kelly Ripa in the video?
Cause, it seems like Kelly Ripa would be concerned about firework safety.
She’s not in the video.
Huh, that kind of surprising, because her sensitive nature leads us to think—
Get Ripa out of your freaking head, she’s not in the damn safety video!
Until next time, mirth-seekers!