Bernie Brewer Belligerent As Dogs Destroy Dreams

Bernie Brewer sliding down the slide

June 4, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Yes, Bernie Brewer’s dream of drowning in a doughboy pool filled with Dortmunder Gold was shattered yesterday as the Dodgers roared back to score five runs in the top of the ninth to claim the game. Final score: Dodgers 10, Brewers 8.

Has Bernie Brewer ever whipped out his wand?

We wondered about this in the wake of the Mr. Met debacle in New York last week. It seems like a mascot flipping off fans in the Big Apple would be par for the course, but apparently they’re a bit more thin skinned out there than we thought…

The whole “let’s break out the brooms” thing for a possible sweep is getting old, can’t they come up with something else?

They certainly should! The brooms thing is kind of stupid…what about “nuked” as a term for a series sweep? Fans could show up at the ballpark dressed like little mushroom clouds, hot dogs could feature green ketchup to reference leaking radiation, and we’ll take half a dozen “Nukebomb Cocktails” to get the evening started right, pass the Geiger counter!

Who’s pitching in Milwaukee this morning?

This morning? That’s right, the game starts at 11:10 out here…

Zach Davies (3-3 6.46 ERA) gets the start for the suds suckers. Kenta Maeda will hurl for Los Dogs. Kenta’s new thing is coughing up a few runs in the first inning before buckling down.

Will you guys be watching the game from the Mt. Baldy Lodge?

You betcha! There will be great mounds of bacon, vast tubs of sausage patties, and cold pitchers of Bloody Marys for the entire staff!

Jesus, that’s it? No eggs or pancakes, just booze and meat?

Those things just fill up the gut with unnecessary, non-meat and liquor products.

Will you guys be at the Ravine tomorrow night? What’s the promo for the matchup versus Washington?

Tomorrow is “Wooden Teeth Night” at Dodger Stadium, the first 40,000 fans will be fitted with a replica pair of George Washington’s wooden choppers, the same ones that made the ladies swoon from coast-to-coast. Our entire staff will be there as the ol’ rascalsoftheravine dental plan only covers wooden modifications!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

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