How To Eat Fried Cardinals


May 29, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Step One: Season!

Cardinals are friendly, but taste smug and bitter. Therefore, a few dashes of Lawry’s Cardinal Seasoning is a must for any Memorial Day Cardinal-Cook Off. Remember folks, It’s important to deep fry these birds the right way.

Step Two: Cheat!

It’s tough to preach to the world that you’re holier-than-thou when you cheat like a riverboat gambler. Therefore, if you get caught breaking into another chef’s files, remember this “Cardinal” rule: Deny, deny, deny! When presented with the guilty evidence, pretend it never happened. Oh, those midwestern morals!

Step Three: Bling Up The Lady Birds!

You enjoy brutal, savage baseball, your lady likes showering herself in bright, shiny jewels…right, guys? Guys? Don’t let sexist Tweets ruin your Cardinal BBQ! Simply install the Caveman Cardinal (TM) filter on your mobile device, and your jingoist posts will emerge gloriously PC for today’s meek millennials! Here’s an example! Simply type your typical Cardinal tweet “About to go hunt some meat in the backyard while the wife douses herself in Chanel and cleans the entire house.” BECOMES “We’re spending the day holding hands together in our community garden as equal, non-offensive, planet-friendly folk. Mmmmm this pressed juice tastes good.” SEE! IT WORKS!

Kill it and grill it!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!


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