Puig’s Home Run Travels Around Globe, Hits Him In Back


May 19, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

That’s right folks, Puig’s big jack travelled the entire circumference of the Earth and hit him square in between the two sixes on his back to break the world record for the quickest orbit of an object around the planet.

The Dodgers ended up winning the game, 7-2, but the big story was obviously the speedy satellite off Yasiel’s bat.

Has anyone ever hit a ball around the Earth before?

Piazza came close in 1994 when he launched a sizzling smoker that fell short of total circumference and landed in Don Knotts’ hot tub in Reno. The ball knocked a drink out of the hands of one of the tub dwellers, a mildly successful piano tinkler known as Liberace!

What happened to Turner? Good God, No!

The Dodgers’ ace face appeared to have snapped his hamstring as he rounded third base. The team can’t afford to lose Captain Clutch for too long…

Is Wally Wood pitching tonight?

No, sadly, his name is not Wally. Imagine the Wallywood shirts, Weird Science references, and Mad Magazine nods! Just do it, Alex. Change your name to Wally. You know you want to…

Did A.J. Ellis and Kershaw party after the game last night?

Yes! Get ready for this fans, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas has nothing on the night that these two maniacs…wait, what? They went to Astro Burger and had chocolate malteds? What is this, Archie Comics? Did they bring freaking Jughead? Modern players, sheeeeesssh! Doesn’t anyone get drunk anymore???

Does Marlins pitcher, Justin Nicolino, play the pan flute?

It seems like a man named Nicolino would play a pan flute or some sort of woodwind…whilst dangling from the branch of a tree like a sprite.

What time does the game start tonight?

Midnight. When do you think? 7AM? Noon? The game starts at 7:10, genius, just like it does every damn night…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

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