Yasmani Grandal Doesn’t Need To Steal Signs, Because He Can Read Your Mind

Yasmani can read minds

May 18, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Does “Eye In The Sky” by The Alan Parsons Project go through Yasmani’s noodle as he tap dances off second base?

“I can read your mind…looking at you…”

Is Grandal some sort of clairvoyant? The Giants thought he was stealing signs yesterday and the benches cleared as a result. It should be noted that Kershaw hurried through the near-melee NOT to warm up and focus on the game (as pampered scribes thought) but to finish his Subway sandwich he had left on the mound at the end of the previous inning. We all know about Cueto’s unquenchable desire for processed meats. Kershaw’s true fear was that Cueto had gobbled up his turkey and jalapeño with mustard (yes, on whole wheat.)

Get back to Grandal, already!

Right! Yasmani’s CIA-fed cover story about his family winning the lottery to obtain citizenship in 1998 is a smokescreen to conceal his heavy involvement in “Project RBI-Ultra”, a Castro funded mind-control experiment that allowed players to read pitcher’s minds. Now you know why Cuban players command so much money in today’s market. Voila!

Who’s In Town Tonight?

The Marlins are here! Dee Gordon, A.J. Ellis, and Don Mattingly will accidentally enter the home clubhouse before being turned away by Carl Crawford, who sometimes wanders down there himself. Do you think it’s easy just sitting on a couch counting 20 mil? The guy has to do something! There’re only so many times one can frequent Spearmint Rhino…

Will Ryu…no, no we can’t talk about him anymore, we can’t take it, the guy throws clunkers, then a decent start, then the DL, then more clunkers, then a decent start, then the DL, then more clunkers…it’s worse than Groundhog Day.

Edinson Volquez takes the hill for the Marlins tonight. What? He’s another blister-baby? What’s with these guys? What are they doing to their damn hands? Has anyone heard of freaking Rose Milk?

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

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