Buc Them! Dodgers Plunder Pirates, 12-1

gazoo cooks steak

May 9, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Tayyyyloooorr…

According to Rick Monday, the word amongst Los Dogs is that Taylor has been hitting the ball as hard as anybody since Spring Training. We’d believe Rick Monday if he told us that the Martians had landed too, we love that guy. Don’t believe us? We collectively gained forty pounds last year “stopping by In-N-Out after the game” based on his recommendations! Our hall closet is stuffed with chocolate diamonds from Daniel’s Jewelers! We’ve dubbed him Hypno-Rick!

Get Back To The Game, Weirdos…

Chris Tayyyyloooor blasted a grand slam into deep orbit (the ball still hasn’t come down according to N.A.S.A. and that little green guy from The Flintstones) in a six-run first inning that ate up Pitt early.

Bellinger went hitless but managed a walk and scored later on the Taylor tattoo (which is wild, because he was listening to “Tattoo” by The Who right before the game.)

Pederson ripped three hits and had two RBIs. Puig hit a home run in the sixth. As a matter of fact, there were only two Dodgers (besides the pitchers) that were left out of the hit parade. Utley and Bellinger (Utley walked in his one AB, Bellinger walked and scored later as we mentioned above.)

Wood Stiffens Competition

Alex Wood’s performance shouldn’t go un…cheered for. He struck out eleven batters in five innings worth of hurlin’. He only surrendered two hits and a measly walk. Stripling coughed up a run in the sixth but settled down and lasted through the eighth. Liberatore (he’s back!) pitched a hitless ninth.

Bad Manners

Ivan “The Engine” Nova (3-3, 2.14 ERA, was knocked around by the Reds last week) will face Julio Urias (0-0, 0.84 ERA, still trying to find the passcode so he can unlock Cinemax After Dark at his parents’ house) and his dashing welder’s goggles at 7:10 tonight.

Speaking of Urias’ specs, someone in the promo department missed a serious opportunity this year. Either there should have been a Urias ugly eyewear giveaway (no 12 and under crap either, who pays the money for the damn tickets anyway, some 12 year old? what’s next, spit-up saturday? toddler tuesday? man child monday?) OR they should have made a nifty, giant Chia-sprouting pair of gruesome glasses for one and all.

Will Max Moroff make mince pies with Mercer and McCutchen? Will Grandal and Gutierrez grow grapes in Grass Valley? Will Gift Ngoepe try to return his own first name? Stay tuned! Until tomorrow, mirth-seekers!!!

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