Utley Returns to Philly, Kicks Them Squar in Nuts

philly fans

August 17, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

We’ll have two jacks, five RBIs, and a side of swollen nuts, please! Utley’s monster night in his return to the City of Brotherly Love was just what the Dodgers ordered, as they beat the Phills, 15-5, and grabbed first place from the hated ones.

That’s right, folks…Los Dogs are now in first place.

The bats may be streaky, but since July, no one swings the sticks like the Dodgers. Starters? Who needs ‘em? Just give the bastards of the bullpen five innings and they’ll lock it down!

How long can it last? We’ve been asking ourselves that all year…Kershaw, Ryu, McCarthy, Norris, Anderson, they’re all corpses in the trenches of a war-torn season. Where the hell is Rich Hill? It looks like Anderson may emerge again, but as for the rest…

Where the hell are Hall & Oates at these Philly games? Shouldn’t they be slobbering all over the mic or something? Couldn’t they sing the National Anthem? “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”? “Family Man”? Oates has that bitchin’ Phillies emblazoned guitar, he needs to put it to use! All kidding aside, the mustachio meister crooned the anthem for the Phills in ’08 when Daryl bailed out due to the flu! Apparently, the sheer power of having both Hall AND Oates at Citizens Bank Park would cause chaos not seen since the Depeche Mode riots of 1990.

Scott Kazmir will take the hill tonight for Los Dogs. Jake Thompson will get the start for the Phillies. Jake Thompson sounds like the name of a detective from the ‘40s…or a hero in a high school sex comedy of the ‘80s…

Will Jake jokingly jeer Joc and Josh with jive? Will Thompson tip-off his titanic obsession with “Out of Touch”? Will rascalsoftheravine admit they took a bus in 7th grade to Sam Goody to buy “H20”? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

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