Christ to Appear at Dodger Stadium, Smite All Firstborn

fry guy

July 10, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

The bullpen shouldn’t have to pay for a meal for the rest of the season. Brandon McCarthy earned his second win yesterday after pitching five innings (SHOCKER) against the San Diego Padres to bring the Dodgers record to 50-40. Adam Liberatore (AKA The Libber) broke John Candelaria’s 1991 streak of 23 consecutive scoreless appearances to set a franchise (we hate that word, it feels like we’re writing about Pioneer Chicken) record.

Fox televised the game nationally, so listeners were forced to endure the hideous banter of Matt Vasgersian and John Smoltz (who actually said “playoff run” whilst describing the rest of the Dodgers season, which made us spit up our Orange Julius). Vasgersian hosts the awful morning show “MLB Central” on the MLB Network weekday mornings. If you haven’t seen it, don’t bother. It’s another one of those suicide-inducing sports morning programs where they roll out some hottie to anchor down ex-jocks and a broadcaster while they churn out obnoxious, inaccurate, unfunny takes about whatever sport they cover (the NFL network does the same thing with NFL HQ, the Golf Channel does it…). The presentation is a goofy combo of comic book fonts, Doritos commercials, and plastic chicks…who programs this crap, a 12-year-old? They might as well sit in Lamborghinis while they spew their insipid banter…

The Dodgers will slam the door shut on their mediocre first half today against the Padres. We made our opinion clear on snoring San Diego yesterday, can’t we just relegate the Padres to AAA like they do in the Premier League?

Kenta Maeda will take his disappointing 7-6 record to the hill today for Los Dogs. Christian Friedrich will go for the Friars. Will Kenta go yenta and tell tall tales about Trayce Thompson and Tina Turner? Will Friedrich get fried on LSD and Kentucky Fried Chicken whilst listening to Marty Friedman with the Fry Guys? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

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