Terrible Teen Brings Beer Bong to Miller Park

brewers

June 28, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

After winning six games in-a-row, The Dodgers narrowly escaped dumping four straight in Pittsburgh (which hasn’t happened since 1944). Final score…Dodgers 5, Pirates 4. If it weren’t for a fifth inning rally, Los Dogs would be eight games behind the San Francisco Giants.

You know it’s bad when Charley Steiner and Rick Monday can’t hide their exasperation. During pre-game warm-ups they marveled at Kazmir’s inability to throw strikes. We’ve been marveling at this since Spring Training.

The good news yesterday was the debut of Chris Taylor (he came over in the Zach Lee trade with the Seattle Mariners). Taylor torched a triple in his first at-bat and looks to provide some life to a Dodger bench that can easily sink into the doldrums.

The Dodgers begin a three-game series with the Brewers today in Milwaukee. What genius scheduled so many Brew Crew battles this year? The only exciting thing about these match ups is dreaming of the possibility of Braun donning Dodger blue.

What the hell happened to the Brewers uniforms? It looks like Miller beer designed them in 1990. They’re awful. Have you noticed how beer companies have gone back to old logos or retro color designs (NOT ’90s…we’re talking early ‘60s here) to boost sales? This is a good thing. The Brewers need to pay attention. Ditch the early ‘90s beer can unis and go back to the old blue and yellow.

Are there other teams that need to go back to their old unis? YES! Here’s a dandy list: The Seattle Mariners (teal died with the Saturn, lose it), The San Diego Padres (leave the navy to the Yankees and go back to El Taco Bell Supremo), The New England Patriots (their modern uniforms look like the post office designed them—hideous), The Denver Broncos (go back to the old drunken bucking bronc on the helmet). This list could go on and on…the moral of the story is, if your uniform was designed before 1980, don’t change it.

Julio Urias will get the start for Los Dogs today. They keep saying they’re going to send the terrible teen back to his room but he keeps improving, so the powers that be end up sounding like Mr. Lodge threatening to punish Veronica.

Will Urias ubiquitously undermine urine-filled Brew Crew batters? Will Chase Anderson and Chase Utley use a Chase Bank to receive Chase rewards? Will rascalsoftheravine take three days off so they can move their HQ from Beverly Hills to Woodland Hills? Seriously, that was exhausting, we’re never moving again! Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth seekers!

 

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