Meet Justin Turner, One-Man Band


June 18, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Justin Turner’s Captain Clutch act continues! Tonight, he launched a 3-run shot in the third inning to tie the game. The Dodgers ended up beating the Brewers, 10-6, and there was little doubt that Turner was the catalyst to the victory. Last night, young Kringle hit two home runs, along with the game winning single, to best the Brew Crew, 3-2.

We call Turner “Kringle” around these parts, due to his red-haired resemblance to young Kris Kringle from Santa Claus is Coming to Town (the Rankin/Bass Christmas special from 1970). Hey, we know we’re old, but they air that ding-dang thing on ABC every year.

The dust-up the other night between Kringle and Grandal started us thinking about fantasy fights involving major league players that we’d love to witness. Sooooooo…we’ve paired up a few Jerky Johnnies with some equally-icky celebs to tickle your fancy, enjoy!

Battle #1 Jonathan Papelbon vs Shia LeBeouf

Who wouldn’t love to see these two charmers beat each other senseless in a vicious cage match? There’d have to be a minute or two of smack-talking (and tough-guy stare downs).

Location? The White House lawn (Pap pitches for the Nationals, Shia thinks he’s president).

Weapons? Baseball bats. Severe glares. Cigarettes.

Battle # 2 Barry Bonds vs Terrell Owens

The Weather Channel in San Francisco might have to post a “smug alert” for this supreme clash of egos. The cage match in Escape From New York would have nothing on this.

Location? AT&T Park.

Weapons? Busses will be provided for the participants to throw each other under. Suicide attempts are optional.

Battle # 3 Joey Votto vs Mike Sorrentino AKA “The Situation”

What guido-loving goombah wouldn’t want to eyeball this Stromboli slam-off?

Location? Jersey Shore

Weapons? Dough rollers. Pizza cutters. Evil eyes.

All fongools aside, the Dodgers have shown some fuego in the last few games. Roberts is probably a bit skittish about calling out players so early in his tenure, and Gonzalez seems too laid back to get in anyone’s face during the game. Kringle could be the guy going forward to do just that.

Did you know that Bernie Brewer is the coolest mascot in Major League Baseball? His roots go beyond the full body-costumed fellow on the yellow slide (Milt Mason started the whole shebang when he donned the green lederhosen in 1970). The thought of a Dodger mascot sets off our gag reflex BUT WHAT IF IT HAD TO HAPPEN?

Well, sauce seekers, we propose (drumroll)…The Dodger Diablo! A smarmy SoCal Satan with a savage grin to smite the hideous Haloes! El Diablo could pass out jalapeno dogs and torrid shots of top-shelf tequila! He could doom opposing dugouts with his destructive Devil’s Dandruff (easy, Pedro Guerrero). Thoughts? Sarcastic barbs? Leave ‘em in the comments section…

Ricochet magnet Kenta Maeda gets the start versus mad ol’ Matt Garza tomorrow as Los Dogs go for the series win.

Will Garza grow green gills and guillotine Giant-goading grinders? Will Maeda mash-up mean-man Matt G. and middle-of-the-road Milwaukee? Will The Situation march into rascalsoftheravine headquarters and shove scalding spaghetti into our snot-faced sneers? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth seekers!

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