May 14, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith
Before we get into last night’s game versus the Cardinals, let’s talk about a legend. Clayton Kershaw=That guy’s pretty good. He’s the killer of losing streaks. He’s now had five starts in a row with at least ten strikeouts. That’s a club record, folks.
Isn’t this all bittersweet though? We know we’ve said it before, our apologies from the broken record department, but isn’t Kershaw’s career being wasted? Does anyone honestly think the Dodgers (if they made the playoffs) could make it past the first round? We can see it on his face, he knows he’s on a team that WILL NOT go far, he’s angry, and there’s NOTHING HE CAN DO ABOUT IT. We’re guessing he’s stormed the front office by now. We can just see it, Kershaw kicks open Friedman and Zaidi’s door in a rage. The Bear Stearns geeks give him a smug shrug, and go back to their chili dog profit analysis. Isn’t it great to be a Dodger fan?
The Dodgers beat their moral betters last night, 8-4.
Ahhhh, The Cardinals. You’ve heard of St. Louis, right? You know, the good city. They have moral fiber, unlike the phony heathens of evil Los Angeles. Never mind that St. Louis is THE MURDER CAPITAL OF AMERICA. Their people are better. They’re far more honest and genuine when they’re killing each other. Never mind that they rode their NFL team, The Cardinals, out of town on a rail. Never mind that the greedy wife (Georgia Frontiere) of the L.A.Rams owner murdered her husband (allegedly) in 1979 and moved the team to a city smaller than Long Beach for a PSL money grab (psssst, that’s you St. Louis). Never mind that they support hockey and random killings way more than they ever did football. Never mind that they stopped going to Rams games ten years ago, they’re better. Never mind that their baseball team cheats, they’re the salt of the earth! They work SO HARD. They’ll give you the shirt off their back (when they’re not murdering you or telling you how much better they are than you). Thank God for St. Louis! How would the rest of America know how to behave without their shining moral compass?
Let’ hope Puig can continue to hit as well as he’s been fielding lately. His home run last night was his fourth of the season. Pederson has improved a bit at the plate as well, perhaps the duo realize that a trade could be in the works? A trade to a holy team in red for a certain fish-monickered player?
Can Kazmir K.O. Cardinal craftsman? Will Carlos Martinez’ May madness malign blue-crew mashers? Will superior, straightforward St. Louis supply sagging So-Cal psyches a shuck-and-jive show? Stay tuned! Until tomorrow (unless someone from St. Louis murders us) mirth seekers!