Satan Returns To Tropicana Field, Restores The Word “Devil” To Rays Jerseys


May 3rd, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Before the Dodgers could even take the field, pre-game line up announcements were interrupted by the Prince of Darkness himself. Yes, Satan returned to Tropicana Field tonight, furious that his name had been removed from Rays jerseys.

The change happened a couple of years ago…apparently word just got around to ol’ busy-body Beelzebub. Before turning Tampa Bay’s owner, Stuart Sternberg, into a pile of steaming ash, the Fallen Angel vented his wrath on the crowd of 732 in attendance. Satan subjected The Trop’s attendees to aural torture in the form of Cut the Crap, The Clash’s ill-conceived final album (minus Mick Jones) from 1985. The audience writhed in torture as the record blasted from stadium speakers for a full hour.

After a Dibs vendor sacrificed himself to the live piranha tank behind the right-center field fence, Satan relented and the contest continued.

So, there you have it! The word “Devil” has been restored to Rays unis (the new owner, Sammy Hagar, agreed to change the Devil Rays uniforms to red) and…what’s that? Oh, the game….here’s what happened…

Ex-Devil Ray, Scott Kazmir plunked a batter and gave up a double to Longoria in the first inning. One-zip, D-Rays. Trayce Thompson and Joc Pederson (two-run graveyard smash) went yard. In the bottom of the fourth, Kaz coughed up a two-run shot to tie the score, 3-3. He ended up going 6.2 innings (4 ER 9Ks).

In the fifth inning, Howie Kendrick returned from the dead and ripped his first extra base hit of the year, a two-run double, to bring the Dogs up, 5-3. Trayce Thompson foiled the shift with a follow-up double to make it 7-3. Another home run clobber off off Kazmir made it 7-4 in the bottom of the fifth. Puig smoked a three-run shot in the top of the ninth to seal the deal, 10-4.

Until next time, mirth-seekers!


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