Dodgers Battle Losing Streak With Chia Pets

chia

April 30, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

First Mattingly and his Marlins, then Kemp’s kaboom! Matt’s three-run shot in the eighth inning put the Padres ahead for good last night (final score 5-1). The Dodgers are being done in by teammates and managers of the past. Who’s next? Is Mike Piazza going to come out of retirement and kick blue-crew booty?

FLASH!! Puig and Pederson are slipping back into their old ways, and Gonzalez couldn’t hit a softball right now. Over the last five losses, the sticks have been frozen solid.

Guess who we saw at the game last night? You guessed it! Season Ticket Guy (read “season ticket guy” post for more info) was on hand!!! Did he bring his newspaper? You betcha! Here’s the twist though, he didn’t break it out until the eighth inning. Normally, Season Ticket Guy breaks out his paper the second he sits down (an hour before the game starts) but for some reason he waited until the action started happening (Kemp’s three-run shot) to whip out his edition of The Daily Faberian.

Now that Dave Roberts is facing the longest losing streak of the season so far, we’re curious how he handles it and how the team responds. Will it be tough love, or is he going to hand out pillow pets and pat everyone on the head? Puig’s backsliding, how will he handle it? Will the crazy Cuban drown his sorrows in Crystal and mujeres salvajes, or will he grind through it?

If Los Dogs lose tonight, they dump another series. How long will Dodger devotees put up with it? Most fans already have a feeling that this team won’t contend in October. If The Dogs are riding third place come mid-May, will it affect attendance? All the bobble heads in the world won’t make up for a 28-year World Series drought.

Speaking of bobble heads and goofy promotions, tonight’s nutty giveaway takes the cake. Yes, tonight is Justin Turner Chia Pet Night! Joseph Enterprises has been cranking out the terra cotta novelties since 1982 (Chia Ram was numero uno).

Since then, cartoon characters and yes, presidents (there is an Obama version) have sprouted Ch-ch-ch-chia (there’s even a Chia Zombie!) Hey, what about Donald Sterling Chia Pet night? Is that on the promotion schedule yet?

Will Colin Rea extend the Dodgers losing streak to six? Will Ross Stripling pitch more than five innings? Will rascalsoftheravine.com get a Chia Pet designed after us? What would that even look like? Hmmmmm…just imagine Otis the Drunk from the Andy Griffith Show sprouting chia seeds! Until next time, mirth seekers!

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