Kershaw KO’d By Stanton’s Smash, Dogs Lose Again

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April 27, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Kershaw took a one-hitter into the sixth inning last night before the wheels wobbled off the wagon. Five hits (one of which was a three-run smash by Sherman Oaks native, Giancarlo Stanton) and five runs later the score stood at 5-3, Marlins. Howell gave up another run in the eighth inning, which pumped up his E.R.A. to 10.50…the Miami bullpen held the Dodgers at bay for the remainder of the contest, the final score—6-3, Marlins.

The best the Dogs can hope for now, is to split the series. It’ll be a tall order for Scott Kazmir tonight. In his last three starts, his E.R.A. is 9.69…we’ll see how he fares against the red hot Stanton. The good news for Kazmir is that in the three times he’s faced Stanton, he’s shut him down like a Little Deuce Coupe.

It’s hard to believe that the Marlins have been around for 23 years now. It seems like only yesterday when they hit the field for the first time in their teal uniforms as Whitney Houston’s The Bodyguard Soundtrack played over the loudspeakers…1993 was a crap year for music. Walt Weiss, Benito Santiago, and Gary Sheffield were on the squad (Sheffield split time with the Padres that year). We won’t talk about who was traded there from the Dodgers in 1998…

Even more amazing is the fact the Marlins have never won their division, yet they’ve won the World Series twice (1997, 2003) as a wild card team.

Hey! Look closely! There, in Miami’s dugout, can you see him? It’s the Marlins hitting coach! He still he still has quills in his hair from when Major League Baseball tarred and feathered him back in 2008. Yes, Barry Bonds was run out of town on a rail, the poster boy for the steroids scandal. Does this mean we feel sorry for him? Hell no. Bonds didn’t help himself by being vile to every single reporter he’d ever met throughout his career (and some teammates too).

Guess who sits behind home plate part two! We’ve discussed the ghastly mug of Donald Sterling parked front and center, but do you that Mary Hart sits about seven seats away (to the right if you’re watching on TV) from him? Let’s be very clear that she does not share seats or attend games with Sterling, it usually looks like she has her husband, Burt Sugarman (producer of the righteous Midnight Special variety show in the ‘70s) in tow.

For those that don’t know, Mary Hart hosted Entertainment Tonight from 1982 to 2011 (she was also Miss South Dakota in 1970 and a semi-finalist for Miss America in ’71). Her presence behind home plate is a nice antidote to Sterling’s sour mug, so well done, Mary! Keep those seats!

Ed. Note: We still get letters about the above: yes, we know Donald doesn’t sit there, we always thought that Dennis Gilbert was his twin (separated at birth, of course)

Will Kazmir K.O. super Stanton? Will Ichiro and Bonds brawl over a bento box? Will Mary Hart dump a tub of popcorn over Donald Sterling’s head? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth seekers!

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