Maeda Mows Down Rickety Rocks


April 24, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

In the 90s, crank users used to wear Rockies hats to show off their allegiance to the nasty drug. “CR” being the nickname for the drug choice of white trash. The way Maeda mowed The Rockies down last night, the whole team must have felt as if their sunflower seeds were dusted with the stuff. The Rocks managed a run in the seventh off Avilan, but Blanton, Baez, and Jansen prevented any further damage. Final score: Dodgers 4 Rockies 1.

After three starts, Maeda’s E.R.A. is 0.36. Now, before you go skipping around your living room, let us remind you of another Dodger pitcher named Kazuhisa Ishii. You may remember in 2004 when Ishii went 12-0 before the all-star break. Some baseball gurus were predicting that Kaz would win 25 games. Sadly, it was not to be. Ishii ended the year at 13-8 and never pitched for The Dodgers again (he went 3-9 with The Mets in ’05 and was out of MLB after that). What are we getting at? It’s only three games, let’s see how Maeda’s doing in August…

Did you know The Rockies have a mascot? His name is Dinger and he’s a purple dinosaur. Benjamin Hochman of the Denver Post made it his personal mission to destroy Dinger (who he describes as “Barney after a meth binge”) and we can’t blame him.

Let’s imagine if The Dodgers had a mascot. We know, we know, it’s horrible to fathom, but let’s say they did. What if Charlie Finley ran the Dodgers PR? If they had conceived a mascot in the 70s, it probably would have been “Smoggy”, the friendly brown cloud that reminds us to reduce pollution and trash. Lucky kids that meet “Smoggy” at the ballpark would be rewarded with random garbage picked from California Highways to remind them to dispose of all litter properly.

In the 80s, the Dodgers could have teamed up with Nancy Reagan and her “just say no” program. Can you imagine all the children in the bleachers playing with “Bingey”, the giant pile of cocaine? Sadly, we can imagine a few Dodger players in the ‘80s that might have tried to take “Bingey” home with them.

The Dodgers have tried to “get hip” in the past and it hasn’t worked out so well. Remember the ill-fated Kurt Cobain night in the 90s? Plastic straws at all the concession stands were made to look like little shotguns so that all the fans could feel a sample of the despair that Cobain felt before he pulled the trigger. We here at rascalsoftheravine feel they may have gone a little too far with that one.

The worst of all though had to have been “Bryan Stow Night”, when patrons were treated to blows to the h———-CENSORED BY THE LOS ANGELES DODGERS.

Will The Rockies stroke Wood? (last juvenile Wood joke, WE PROMISE) Will Puig pulverize Lyles? Will Dinger snort crank and throw a child off the top deck? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth seekers!

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