Braves Scalp Dodgers, 8-1…Chili Dogs To Blame?


April 20, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Too much grub at The Varsity? The lackluster Dodgers appeared dazed and confused.  They committed three errors against The Braves last night and broadcasters were quick to jump to the usual excuses, “the team travelled AND had a day off.” What does the team do on their “day off”, run a marathon? Perhaps they did find the Clermont Lounge (see last post) after all!

Justin Turner (young Kris Kringle) committed two of the errors, Seager handled the other. Three unearned runs scored as a result of the infield gaffes. The Braves popped some serious Wood, the Dodger pitcher gave up three earned runs in four innings worth of work (7 Hits 3 BB). The final score was 8-1, Scalpers.

The Braves are building a new stadium because their old one is inadequate. Turner Field was constructed in 1997, which makes it nineteen years old. Wow, nineteen years, how do their fans manage? What do they plug their little devices into? How can they Instagram duck-faced selfies if the wi-fi stinks? Nineteen years?!?!? Look, we’re not grumbling about our “house” or anything. We don’t want Dodger Stadium, Wrigley, or Fenway touched. Keep your newfangled disposable dumps to yourselves (we’re looking at you San Fran).

How can a stadium be considered inadequate after nineteen years? Atlanta couldn’t care less. If you watched the broadcast last night, you witnessed how loyal Braves fans are (each ticket holder had their own section). Remember, this is a fan base that can’t sell out playoffs games (we’re looking at you too, Oakland). The wrecking ball surely must be aimed at the Bronx next, after all, they’ve had their stadium since 2009. Tear it down! How do their fans put up with such out-of-date amenities? Yankee Stadium is headed into its eighth season! Those fans deserve better, tear it down! Tear it down! Tear it down! Tear it down!

Phew, we get a little worked up at social injustice. Those poor Yankee fans (tears are splashing down on the keyboard as we type this). Speaking of Yankee fans, why do native New Yorkers appear as if they’re raised on a diet of cigarettes and sewer water? Have you seen Christopher Russo????

Teheran will take the hill for the Braves (he was sick yesterday, so they bumped him to tonight). Puig should be in the lineup, he’s hitting .667 in six at-bats against Teheran.

Will the Dodgers wake from their chili dog/stripper daze and field the ball properly? Will Ross Stripling strip Brave bats bare? Will Turner Field’s ancient toilets explode in the middle of the game? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth seekers!

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