Are You “Season Ticket Guy”? Are You?

Gale Gordon

April 16, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Huge win for Los Dogs last night, as they beat The Giants, 7-3. Hernandez continues to pummel El Vagabundo Loco, as he hit two bombs last night against him. King Kersh gave up two runs on five hits in seven innings worth of work. Charlie Culberson (who impressed during Spring Training and had a game-winning double in S.F. last week) had a couple of hits as well. The Giants’ bungling infield was their own worst enemy. The butterfingered squad managed two key errors in a four-run fourth inning for The Dodgers. The Giants committed three errors overall in the game. Guess the L.S.D. didn’t quite wear off after all (see last post).

Okay, enough about the game, let’s go straight to the get-it-off-our-chest department…

Have you seen Season Ticket Guy? Have you? He goes to 81 games a year, he’s more loyal than you, have you seen him? He shows up when they open the gate and beelines with his wife (there’s always a wife) to his seat. He lays out his vast stock of snacks, blankets, and jackets as if he’s building a fort, because, really, it’s his section. He’ll put some stuff on your seat but that’s okay, he owns the place, after all, he’s Season Ticket Guy.

 Season Ticket Guy loves to read the newspaper through the first five innings, never mind that he’s at a live baseball game, his blaring transistor radio will inform him as to the game’s events. Season Ticket Guy digs holding court. He cracks wise and gives insightful speeches to those who have the good fortune to sit within earshot.

Season Ticket Guy wears a dingy t-shirt with holes and drives a car that rivals Jimmy McGill’s on Better Call Saul, but spends $50,000 a year on his seats. Season Ticket Guy will give you dirty looks if you’re not on board with his schtick. Season Ticket Guy’s cronies will defer to their mighty king and attack you with corn dogs, for they are not season ticket guys, they are partial season ticket guys, subservient scum. Season Ticket Guy could have them killed on a whim.

Season Ticket Guy knows all the ushers by name (and they all hate him). Season Ticket Guy waves to Magic, and thinks Magic waves back. Season Ticket Guy says he knows the girl who’s singing the National Anthem. Season Ticket Guy could have been in the Secret Service but decided to be the night manager at Ralphs instead. Season Ticket Guy could have a job in the front office but “the pay is too low”.

Are you a Season Ticket Guy? Are you…

Well, that’s it for today, kids. Will Seager and Thompson continue to beat Cueto like a rug? Will Kazmir give up seventeen runs in four innings? Will Season Ticket Guy have us killed before the game can even begin? Stay tuned! Until tomorrow, mirth seekers!

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