Dodgers Paddle Padres 3-0, Kazmir Skates Through Six

Padres Uniforms

April 6, 2015 by Shannon Michael Smith

How about those throwback Padres unis last night? Love the color scheme! Yes, they look like ‘70s Taco Bell cashiers, but the league needs a wider variety of colors, seriously. More brown, orange, pink, and mustard! The Royals should have purple piping, not blue, they look like Dodger clones most of the time! At least they threw some gold into the mix this year.

After the third inning, we had to go radio (no Vin Scully on TV) to avoid Joe Davis, who clearly went to the Joe Buck School of Broadcasting. We much prefer the big, full-toned, richly resonant sounds of Charley Steiner and Rick Monday.

During Steiner’s hourly plug for Chumash Casino, we had a wild idea. The Dodgers should give away a road trip to Chumash with Steiner and Monday as a prize! What would that be like? “Blonde On Blonde” by Dylan on the tape deck? Is Monday more of a Creedence man? Steiner’s gotta dig Springsteen. The Stones? MC5? The Dwarves? Would things get all “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”, with Monday munching on magic mushrooms? No, we can’t see that. Maybe a flask full of Canadian Club? Would we wake up to zoo animals in our hotel room ala “The Hangover”? Might we inadvertently break some local tribal laws and end up missing in action? Sign us up!

The two Dodger victories in San Diego are nice, but let’s not flip out like some tweenie at a Skrillex show. The Padres stink like Pepe Le Pew at a fertilizer convention. Scott Kazmir was brilliant though, he only coughed up a single hit and retired seventeen in-a-row through six innings of work. Hats off to him in his debut. We’ve given him some heat, and he’s got a long way to go, but he looked mahvelous. Baez, Hatcher, and Jansen pitched scoreless innings. Jansen surrendered the only other hit in the game in the ninth. How will Maeda fare tonight? Stay tuned!

Lastly, defensive shifts have been the talk of the league for the last couple of years (they mentioned it again on the air last night). “Bah,” we say! Morris Buttermaker was laying down shuffles in 1976! Remember the “Cool Carl Karanski Shift” in The Bad News Bears? You can check out the clip on YouTube, but it has his name wrong. It’s Karasnski. Trust us. Every staffer here had The Bad News Bears novelization! Until next time, mirth seekers!

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