Dodgers Pulverize Punch-Drunk Padres

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April 5, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Dodgers looked dominant yesterday as L.A. laid down a 15-0 whoopin’ on the punch-drunk Padres. The opening day hosts appeared dazed as Kershaw carved them up like pitiful puercos. The frazzled Friars only managed a hit and a walk against King Kersh (he tossed seven sizzling innings and struck out nine). Even more loco is the fact that the drubbing by The Dodgers is the greatest opening day beat down in MLB history (and they did it without a single long ball).

Kershaw performed as you would expect him to (yes, yes it was awesome), the real test starts today as we’re curious how Scott Kazmir will fare. The peeved Padres will be looking to take out their frustrations on shaky Kaz (his spring wasn’t spectacular, although he seems to have settled a tad in his last two starts).

Did the entire Dodger squad use “Wonderboy” yesterday? The team raked like Roy Hobbs, collecting 15 runs on 17 hits. How about El Caballo Salvaje’s triple turned little league HR on a Friar error? Keep it up Dogs (you’ll need those runs for starters two through five).

How was YOUR opening day? We received several photos from ripped readers, most with their eyeballs floating in cerveza. Our favorite (see pic above) is from Jim in San Diego, who became so immersed in party pleasure that he failed to attend the game. Way to go, Jim. We’ll send you a case of Pabst and some Betty Ford pamphlets.

The “Caps On” promo was a giant smash yesterday. Fans donned their team’s lids and tweeted selfies to MLB. You’d think rascalsoftheravine would have gone “Weekend At Bernie’s” and tweeted out a pic of a corpse with a Dodger hat on or something sarcastic like that. We’re not that sick people, geez! Although, “Caps On” did feel like something a kid should be doing and not a grown man (kind of like this blog).

There’s been some grumbling about Utley’s slide at home plate yesterday, some are saying it was another takeout slide. Here’s a question for you readers out there: If it was the other way around in the playoffs last year (Mets player slides into Utley and breaks his leg) would it have been as big of a deal? In other words, do The Mets (and their media and fans) whine louder than say The Dodgers would have? Would a new rule have been implemented? Would L.A. Dodger media have gone as berserk? Let us know what you think!

We’ll see if the Dodgers can go yard on James Shields today (he gave up more jacks than anyone in the majors last year). Kazmir will need the support, kind of like a dependently intimate Maidenform Bra. Hey, did you notice Kershaw give that extra “oomph” after he struck out Kemp yesterday? Did you see Kemp glare back at him? Did it make you feel warm and fuzzy inside? We certainly enjoyed it! Until next time, mirth seekers!!!

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