March 29, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith
With Dodger pitching continuing to be a giant question mark this spring, it’s nice to see Justin Turner AKA Young Kris Kringle beat the hell out of the ball (.600 avg after last night’s 5-4 victory over the Rangers). Puig is quietly hitting .324, he’s really clammed up after the whole helicopter thing…keep it up el caballo salvaje!!
Well, apparently they’re introducing all kinds of delectable goodies at Dodger Stadium this year…verde nachos, papaya-slathered sausages, tequila-infused corn dogs…we say the more variety of mackable grub, the merrier! Major League Baseball is dying to get hipper, so we thought we’d begin to share our ideas for a more fun-filled experience at the Ravine in ’16.
The Jim Beam All-You-Can-Drink Vomitorium
Hovering right above the visitor’s bullpen, this raucous area could be the height of Roman revelry at Dodger Stadium. A transparent plastic shield would separate the ‘pen (and any nearby sections) from projectiles hurled at them throughout the course of the contest. Forget about scantily-clad shot girls, all drinks are distributed by stern-faced L.A.P.D. officers to curb public urination. Included in the price of the ticket is a free shuttle ride home, and the total loss of one’s dignity.
Larry King’s Bachelorette Party Pen
Long time season ticket holder, Larry King, is always ready for action! Lucky ladies can rent out all seats surrounding Larry for a swinging time hosted by the “Baron of Boogie”. Dance and drink the night away with King as he guides the gals in a tell-all tutorial of every Brooklyn Dodger player from 1911-1957. Partygoers receive an autographed “King-Sized” condom, handed out by the master of mirth himself. You can forget Vegas, ladies, let Larry be your lascivious lord of laughs!
Zaidi and Friedman’s Cash Den
Simply enter the den (located next to the first aid station on the loge level) and prove you have a serious injury. Friedman and Zaidi will then hand you a giant sack, bursting with cash. It is yours to spend however you choose. You are now a Dodger. See you in two years.
There you have it! Wow, gee-whiz, and aww shucks…we love to hear from you, dear readers, your letters make our day. We clutch printouts of them as we stand on Malibu cliffs and watch the sun set, tears streaming down our faces. Continue to drop us a line or feel free to comment, add our Twitter page, Facebook, blah blah.
Let’s hear more from the international fans! We can tell some psychos in Canada, Costa Rica, UK, Brazil, Mexico, and the D.R. are tuning into this yuckfest daily…we’re open to cheap barbs and suggestions, folks! Fire away!
Stay tuned ‘till tomorrow, when we break down why we hate the annual exhibition freeway series! Let’s start the season, already!