Yasiel Puig Wants To Buy A Whirlybird


February 26, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Yasiel Puig’s chopper shoppin’. When we first read the story on TMZ yesterday morning, we here at rascalsoftheravine cringed and chalked it up to more of the Dodger right fielder’s teen type goofdum. This, from a guy that’s supposed to be getting serious in what many baseball analysts are deeming as the make or break year for him?


After a moment, we realized that this could be his way of showing how serious he is about getting to the ballpark on time, however extreme it may be. On the other hand, we think NASA could build Puig a magic door that instantly teleports him to the Dodger Stadium locker room, and he’d still be late.


But let’s pretend he’s serious. Can one land a helicopter on a regular basis at Dodger Stadium? Where is the helipad? Would he have to land downtown and then drive over (sounds worse).


Supposedly this used whirly bird costs a mere $350K (used). That’s about the same price as one of Yoenis Cespedes’ idiotmobiles (he’s the Mets’ genius who’s driven a different supercar to spring training practice three days in a row). Someone might want to show Yoenis the ESPN 30 for 30 special called “Broke”. We have a feeling he’ll need it in a couple of minutes.


Who’s going to fly Puig’s bird anyway? Some nut from his wacky entourage?  We can just see his pimped out pink helicopter flying sideways over the city as Crystal champagne and gold glitter spew from the cockpit.


Will the helicopter come equipped with speakers like the death machines in “Apocalypse Now” that blasted Wagner? Can you imagine Elvis Crespo leaning outside of the bird as it lands, microphone in hand, all decked in out in a crisp white suit as he croons “Bailalo”?


Will Puig leave after the game in the chopper too? Will the whirlybird touch down two minutes after the contest is over, “Bailalo” still blasting from it’s speakers as two scantily clad women gingerly help the exhausted athlete back on board? Si. Otro dia, otro dolar.


Of course, none of this matters if he hits. All of Los Angeles is hoping the muy charismatic Cuban unlocks his full potential on the diamond and starts raking like Roy Hobbs again. Hell, Peterson and Turner may be trying to climb onboard the chopper to join the party, dangling from the landing skids like the soldiers in “Apocalypse Now”, desperate not to see Ann Margaret leave, their cries of “Take me with you,” echoing long into the Chavez Ravine night.


Knowing Puig though, is anyone really surprised by any of this? The guy craves attention. We’re surprised he’s not traveling to Camelback Ranch on the back of a cheetah every day. If the chopper buy falls through he can always call NASA and see if they have any used jet packs lying around.


Or a magic door.

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