Injury Bug Bites As Dodgers Chill Phills

rascalsoftheravine's jam

September 21, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

They stepped on Bellinger’s balls. They tried to break the tiny bones in Justin Turner’s hand. They booed Santa Claus…

Yet, Los Dogs prevailed in The Athens of America, 5-4.

Bring on the Hated Ones.

Is Turner okay?

Turner was hit by a pitch and ended up with a bone bruise. Those hurt. Some drunk jerk in a purple truck nearly ran over one of our staffers in front of a Der Wienerschnitzel once…bone bruise on the shin…no fun.

Ethier hit a home run!

Yeah, he’s been huge off the bench…could this mean the return of Andre’s foodie blog, Dining With Dre?

Will the Dodgers clinch at home tomorrow?

Yes, but only if Dieter Ruehle plays “(Ain’t Nothin’ Gonna) Break My Stride” by Matthew Wilder.

Who’s pitching?

The old wide receiver from Notre Dame, Jeff Samardzzijjjazazzjjjajzzarrrrjjzzzzjjzzza…

Son of Sam! Who’s hurling for the Dodgers?

Rich “Dill” Hill, a man obsessed with Vlasic Pickles…

You just know that pelican on the jar is riddled with ticks…

Yeah, but he talks like Groucho Marx and pretends that the pickles are cigars…kind of like Monica Lewinsky!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Downed Again As Phils Phoil Clinch-Cinch

rascalsoftheravine's fave song

September 21, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The natives are restless.

Dodger fans all over the city are biting nails and gobbling Alka-Seltzer at an incredible rate. Los Dogs have regressed to mediocrity as the overachieving club that dominated the game after the All-Star break seems to have all but have disappeared…final score: Phillies 7, Dodgers 5. The Dodgers will try to avoid a four-game sweep this morning at 10:05 local time. Los Dogs have now lost 20 of their last 25 games as they limp towards the postseason…how bout them Rams?

Do you think the Rams can take the 49ers on the road tonight?

Normally we’d tell you that this isn’t a Rams blog, but what the hell, Los Dogs are too depressing to discuss right now…

When is the Dodger clinch party going to start?

Well, they’ve already clinched a playoff spot, they’re just trying to win the West at this point…they really should just keep the corks in the champers until they get to the World Series though…anything short of that simply won’t do…at least that’s what Mary Poppins told us.

Who’s pitching today?

Five Inning-Fanny, we warned you that he’d stand pat at a dozen games this season…he has “12-game winner” tattooed on his forehead…he’s useless after August…

What about for the Phills?

Mark “Bic” Leiter…the man likes to play with fire.

Is “Play With Fire” the best song that The Rolling Stones ever recorded?

Yes.

Arthur Brown’s “Fire” isn’t bad either…

True.

Is Heather Locklear in Firestarter?

Yeah, we saw her at a Ralph’s in Encino one morning…she looked angrier than on that TJ Hooker episode where Romano snaps her bra…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Washington Whipped! Dodgers Say, “Gimmie Five!”

rascalsoftheravine fan club

September 17, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The ship is apparently back on course as the Dodgers have won their second series in-a-row and aim for the sweep today in Chocolate City. The magic number to win the west has been cut down to five. Kind of like our limit on KFC’s Georgia Gold Chicken (otherwise we would eat several buckets…like Dom Deluise or that chick from Precious…)

Roberts says the team is trying to “get that swagger back”, can that happen?

No. Even if they win every series leading into the playoffs…that losing streak rankled and remains at the forefront in the minds of fans…

Do you think that the Rams can take the Redskins today cause it should—

THIS IS NOT A RAMS BLOG!

What about the Trojans last night?!

Okay, we’ll talk about that. We thought Longhorn scorn would topple the Trojans again, but USC remained cool till the end…incredible win…

Want to hear about another incredible win? You could save 15% on car insurance by switching to—

What the hell are you doing? We don’t have any sponsors, you dufus!

Yeah and it’s getting old! I want to advertise something, dammnnitt!

We already shilled for Kentucky Fried Chicken, what more do you want?

How about a Lowenbrau ad?

Hmmmm…tonight is kind of special…maybe we could use a beer with something MORE…

Yeah, a beer that we pour must say something MORE, somehow…

Well, let it be f*%^kin# Lowenbrau, then.

Who’s pitching today?

Noodles. He’s a bullpen baby in the playoffs fo sho….

He does kind of look like a giant infant…a Korean Baby Huey, if you will…

Or some kind of Devo illustration from New Traditionalists

I’ll take a Flicker Button, an Action Vest, and a New Traditionalist Pomp, stat!

We prefer the Sleeveless Maxi Turtleneck, ourselves…

Who’s hurling for the naughty Nats?

Stephen Stressburg, that guy is high strung!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Bellinger Bombs McCovey Cove In Actual Series Win

rascalsoftheravine's fave show

September 14, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Dodgers have won a series! Hated ones be damned!

Final score: Dodgers 4, Giants 1…

The team that couldn’t lose a game became the team that couldn’t win a game became the team that actually won a series!

Huh?

It’s confusing, isn’t it?

Let October begin, already!

Easy now…the Dodgers should probably win another series or two before the big battle…

If you guys could hit a magic button and make the playoffs start today, would you?

What did we just say? Let em win another series or two! However, if they go into the tank again before the playoffs begin, that would be bad…hmmm…what to do…is Adam-12 still streaming on Amazon?

Knock it off! The Dodgers magic number is 7, right?

They’ve already clinched, besides, we thought three was the magic number!

Enough with the De La Soul references, the magic number is 7!

Well, actually, De La Soul sampled the Schoolhouse Rock track “Three Is—

Leave Prince Paul out of this! Do Los Dogs have a day off today?

Yes, they’re traveling to Chocolate City to take on the naughty Nats…

Will the Nat Nuts be there?

Yes, and for those of you who don’t know about the Nat Nuts, they’re a group of drunken urologists who dress up like giant testicles and bounce around the upper deck during games…

The Dodgers could use some action like that in the Top Deck area…

Look for “The Blue Ballers” to debut soon!

Who’s pitching for Los Dogs?

Alex Wood…he’s been reverting back to the old Alex Wood in the second half of the season…the old Alex Wood was not so good…

Who’s hurling for the Nationals?

A man named TBD…hmmm, funny no picture…weird name too…perhaps he was a DJ or something? “TBD” on the wheels of steel? Could be a trendy street drug…TBD is rotting the minds of our youth!

It means “To Be Determined” genius’…

Oh, REALLY?

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Clinch Postseason Berth, Prepare For First-Round Exit

matt moore's second single

September 13, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The losing streak has been struck!

King Kersh put the kibosh on another long losing streak as the Dodgers clinched a postseason berth in Fran-Fran last night. Final score: Dodgers 5, Giants 3…Fans are still extremely skeptical of this team’s chances in the playoffs, though…even Little Orphan Annie has stopped believing.

Los Dogs have proven that it’s easy to beat them and have even provided blueprints in the form of weeks of tape for other teams to study for the postseason…way to end the year, Blue Spew…speaking of Blue Spew, we used to drink this blue-raspberry Slurpee/Icee type-thingy at the Aloha Roller Rink on Blossom Hill Road back in ’78…don’t let anyone say we don’t provide the hard-hitting facts at this blog! Yes Cheap Trick and ELO were featured prominently at Aloha…

The sad sack fact is, the Dodgers are going to limp into this postseason looking very little like the team that dominated after the All-Star break…another year, another first-round washout…Calgon, take us away!

How about them Rams!

Exactly, all eyes are in L.A. are trained toward the NFL now…the Dodgers have been completely unwatchable for a few weeks…aren’t New Order playing at the bowl on Monday?

Are you ready for some postseason baseball?

No.

Aren’t you guys fired up to see how Los Dogs can handle—

Nope.

Who do you think the Dodgers will matchup with in the first round?

Is Adam-12 still streaming on Amazon?

C’mon! Show a little life!

Look, the Dodgers need to show us something…as of now, we’d rather watch Flipper re-runs…

Who’s pitching tonight?

Lou Darvish, Yu’s fat, cigar chomping cousin from New York will take the hill in Yu’s place as he’s returned to Japan for a Metal Gear convention…

What about for the hated ones?

Matt Moore (winner of the Trini Lopez lookalike contest) will take the hill for Fran-Fran…

Is Calixte a border town near Calexico?

Yes.

Has Tim Federowicz ever done time in a Federal Prison?

Yes, he makes all the homemade wine in the Giants’ dugout…

Is Jarrett Parker one of the Parker Bros.?

Sorry! Nope…

Oh! I get it, Sorry, like the board game Sorry…you guys took a real RISK with that one!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Decide To Take Rest Of Season Off

rascalsoftheravine hangs here

September 11, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

What a strange season. A weird year! From historic highs to sorry skids…the Dodgers have lost ten games in-a-row…seems like they’ve been resting at 92 wins for at least a week and-a-half (cue canned laughter.)

We have no more answers, we’re fresh out of quips and cursebreakers…the skid continues and Los Dogs seem determined to crap out all the way…

The Giants are licking their chops…

Oh, you know Fran-Fran would love to pile on with a three-game sweep…

Yeah they would love to kick Los Dogs while they’re down…things could get crazy in Foggytown…who will Jared Goff root for?

Speaking of Goff, how about that win yesterd—

THIS IS NOT A RAMS BLOG! It was fun, though…

Who’s pitching for the Dodgers?

The ORIGINAL Five-Inning Fanny…he’s not very good on the road…

What about for the hated ones?

Chris “Otter” Stratton…a legend at Faber College until Dean Vernon Wormer revoked Delta’s charter…we’ll get you Marmalard…

Will the losing streak end in Fran-Fran?

We think so…the question is: Can the Dodgers get back to their winning ways before the playoffs begin?  Not mega-winning streak-winning but winning-winning…

Does Austin Slater shop at Stater Bros.?

Of course.

Was Kelby Tomlinson an extra in the original Nutty Professor (1963)?

You know it.

How much Mac and Cheese does Mac Williamson consume?

If you lined up all the noodles he eats in a month, they would reach the planet Saturn.

Wasn’t Sean McVay born in the back seat of a Saturn?

THIS IS NOT A RAMS BLOG!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Larry King To Perform Exorcism On Dodgers

king exorcism

September 9, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Pampered scribes have been trying to “reverse the curse”. It isn’t working. So…

We called Larry King’s people who called Carrot Top’s people who called Larry King’s people back to say it was okay to reveal to us that the King of squawk radio will perform an exorcism at Dodger Stadium before the game this evening.

Did Darvish really dish out five runs last night?

Indeed…it was all the Rockies would need…

Are the Dodgers really cursed like the city of Chorazin?

Larry King hopes to confront the Antichrist in Dodger Stadium…although it’s not the dark lord’s first time there, we’re pretty sure that Justin Bieber has caught a game before…

Will Kevin Costner somehow be involved?

Yes, Costner plans to run around the perimeter of the field in a Steve Garvey uniform…he’ll wave an American flag and yell “Get out these walls, Satan!”

Who’s pitching for Los Dogs?

Alex Wood will whip whoppers at Colo-

Who’s hurling for the Rockies?

Chad “Not Jerome” Bettis, not nicknamed for the old Steeler, but for his hatred of the furniture chain, Jerome’s…

What time does the exorcism begin?

6:30, so get there early for your Larry King (Black Hooded Robe Version) Bobblehead!

Yes! That’ll be better than “Hungover At Spring Training (Glaring Version)” Tommy Lasorda Bobblehead! 

No doubt!

Is it better than the “Tommy And Sinatra At The Polo Lounge Seven Drinks In” bobblehead?

No. Not by a long shot.

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

King Kersh Can’t Stop Collapse as Dodger Death March Kihn-tinues

kihnspiracy-551db37a08aa8

September 8, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Remember how Greg Kihn used to insert his last name into all his album titles? Rockihnroll, Next of Kihn, Kihnspiracy, Kihntagious, Kihntinued, Citizen Kihn…

Is this a ploy to make us forget how crummy the Dodgers are right now…geez we’d rather have had a terrible season all around than this hideous tease…

They stink on ice…no question about it…the entire M.A.S.H. unit couldn’t stop their bleeding…

Recovery seems impossible at this point…first round elimination looms large…

If they go out in the first round it will be the worst Dodger season of all-time…we’d rather have them go 0-162 than pull a flimflam like this…

Is Aaron Donald still holding out? That freaking jerk is killing the Rams…

THIS IS NOT A RAMS BLOG!!!

Who’s pitching tonight?

Someone that will lose.

Who’s hurling for the Rox?

Someone that will win.

Is “Paint it Black” the only song playing over the Dodger Stadium speakers right now?

Yes.

Should Dodger fans start wearing black to games?

Black is appropriate for funerals…

Should Larry King start driving a hearse to the Ravine?

Well, one follows him around at all times, just in case…all he has to do is hop behind the wheel…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Aim For Epic Season Collapse in AZ

side six!

September 7, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Dodgers are flailing like a turtle on its back! Someone end their pain!

Oh, pipe down.

You heard Joe Davis say it! “The evil has a face!” That face is the Arizona Diamondbacks, gulp! 

Easy, they’ll make the playoffs…but what a crummy way to finish.

Kind of like Pink Floyd’s The Final Cut?

Exactly! Los Dogs return to the ravine tonight with their collective tails between their legs.

Who’s pitching?

The man that rights all ships…he even remixed “Shipbuilding” by Elvis Costello…

King Koish! Who’s hurling for the Purple Gang?

Jon “Jollybee” Gray. What can we say, he digs the Aloha Burger! If you haven’t hit the Jollybee on Beverly just west of Vermont, you haven’t lived…

Does Alexi Amarista dig Sandinista?

Who doesn’t…side six rules…take that hipsters…

Is Ryan McMahon the son of Ed?

HOY-YO!

Is Mike Tauchman a touch freak?

You mean like Buddy Revell in 3 O’Clock High? Of course!

Y’know now that I think about it, The Final Cut isn’t that bad…

You’ve been inhaling the fumes from the copy machine again, haven’t you?

Busted!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!

The Dodgers Go Down Like A Lead Balloon

tourist trap doesn not have Peter Billingsley in it

September 5, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

What the f*%k happened?

We miss a couple of days and the Dodgers decide to take the rest of the year off?

Sheesh…why the hiatus rascalsoftheravine?

We moved our HQ due to September’s arrival at Big Bear…goodbye fishing, hello Hancock Park…plus we have Rams season tickets and can’t deal with a three hour drive after games..

THE DODGERS LOST THE LAST NINE OUT OF TEN GAMES, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON???

What goes up, must come down…

Is it really over for Los Dogs?

Of course not, Wood should be okay for the playoffs…if Darvish can get some run support and King Kersh is his usual self, they’ll be alright…

They’ve overachieved haven’t they? This is the same old squad as last year plus Bellinger and Darvish, and you know how they fared…Did Wood have a fluke season? Will he go the way of Kaz Ishii???

Jesus, relax…It’s only the first week of September…if they still look this bad in a few weeks, it’s uh-oh time…

Can the Rams beat the Colts?

THIS IS NOT A RAMS BLOG!

I was watching Rifftrax roast Tourist Trap the other night, i thought Peter Billingsley was in that?

Whoa. That is way. off. track.

Alright, alright…who’s pitching for the Dodgers tonight?

Noodles. And boy, does he look finished (this is a secret ploy to trash him, thus insuring his no-hitter later…) we’ve seen steaks that are less well done than that…

Less well done? What does that even mean? Medium-Well?

Can it, wiseacre…just ask another question.

Who’s hurling for the D-Backs?

THE MAN THAT SHOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN AWAY…and boy, do Los Dogs need him…

I could have sworn that Peter Billingsley was in Tourist Trap…

Dammnit, fine…you must be thinking of Death Valley, but there aren’t any mannequins in that movie…

That’s gotta be it! I wonder why we thought he was in Tourist Trap…

Enough!

Does Ketel Marte own any Mini-Martes???

No.

Was John Ryan Murphy the beat partner of Sean Connery in The Untouchables?

He didn’t have a partner!

Was Brandon Drury born on Drury Lane?

100% yes, which is why his nickname is “The Muffin man”…

Seriously, though, the Rams should be able to take the Colts without Andrew Luck…

THIS IS NOT A RAMS BLOG!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!