Darvish Dooms Dodgers in World Series Washout

trampled by Dom

November 2, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

What was the saddest thing about last night’s loss?

The fact that everyone in the stadium knew that Darvish was a bad choice to start Game 7 (The Astros murdered him in his previous start…the terrified look on his face may have been another hint.)

Forget about the “deer in the headlights” look, it was more like “kitten in front of a speeding semi”…

We assumed he’d be on a short leash, instead the nerd-turds upstairs and Roberts watched him cough up 5 GODDAMN RUNS before they yanked him…DOPES!!!!

Was Roberts asleep? What the hell was that? How could they be so fucking stupid?

Bad management, plain and simple…the front office pushes most of the buttons so you’ve gotta blame Fart-hand and FRIED-MAN too…

The Dodgers parked themselves on the bases and couldn’t manufacture anything…garbage…

SAME OLD STORY, SAME OLD SONG AND DANCE

Was this season a failure?

Absolutely…the team deserved better leadership in Game 7…they stink on paper, it’s the players that carried them this season (let’s face it, they overachieved) not the dopes upstairs who chose Darvish over ANY OTHER PITCHER ON THE DODGERS’ STAFF…

What’s next?

Doubtful they’ll be as good next year…In terms of pitching, Wood will never replicate what he did this season…Hill might be okay, there’s Kersh, of course…but no one else…do you honestly think Chris Taylor is going to be able to top this season? Nein, Klein…Bellinger and Seager bombed in the WS…Kringle stunk too.

What are you guys going to do?

After we drown our sorrows by jumping into a pool of Jim Beam? We’ll take a few months off, then back to Tequila Towers in AZ…just the thought of it hurts our collective stomachs…

I can’t bear the thought of waiting a whole ‘nuther year for this shit…

Yeah, Roberts & The Goobs really mucked up Game 7…revolting…Roberts & The Goobs, however, may just be the best band name of all time…

I guess the pampered scribes can stop schlobbing his knob now…

Doubtful!

Is this the final article of the year for rascalsoftheravine?

No, we can’t go out bitter and angry like this…we’ll have a season breakdown next week…our keen analysis will…make you laugh (hopefully)

I’m crushed…last night was fucking awful…

It’s like Dom DeLuise and Rosanne Barr are stomping on our collective souls…trampled!

Until next time, girth-seekers!

Panico? No! Joc Jacks Giant Jolt To Even Series

Joc Pederson listens to this

October 29, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Pederson’s a nut. He chomps Almond Joy not Mounds. He listens to Spike Jones records. He does Groucho Marx imitations.

His screwball rah-rah antics have been a gas to peep over the course of the season…in or out, Pederson is always a boss teammate…we nearly shed a tear when they sent him down…it appeared J.P.’s days with the Dodgers were done…until…

Ka-boooom! Joc jolts a three-run blast to help Los Dogs take Game 4!! A five-run ninth inning = winning!

Easy, Sheen…

Did you guys dig Schmenley last night?

Jansen? Oh, he’s back…

Bellinger? Awake! Drake? Not interested…

Yeah, Drake sucks…

Wood = good! He nearly made it through six without coughing up a single hit…

Yeah, he gave up that homer (prompting one of our staffers to kick over his box of wine) but overall he pitched well.

Who’s pitching tonigh—ah, I can’t pretend to not know that Kershaw is on the hill tonight in Houston!

King Kersh will pitch in the biggest game of his life today at 5:00.

Will the Astros try to rattle him with some kind of goofy gamesmanship?

Yeah, now is when they’ll get their revenge for the Yacht Rock the Dodgers blasted during their batting practice before Game 1…they’ll delay his start or something…

With a performance by the Reverend Horton Heat?

Haha, if only…

Didn’t they shoot the TV show Cheaters in Houston?

Why yes they did, look for Joey Greco and his leather trench coat in the crowd tonight…

Man, that show was fun…the confrontations were wild, but I dug the spying/stalking and the creepy narrator’s leering tone…

Now you’re creeping us out…

Who’s pitching for the ‘stros??

Dallas Keuchel. His name is Dallas. He’s pitching in Houston. We find this hysterical.

Will his wife El Paso and his dog Galveston be on hand to cheer him on as well?

Yes…his son Austin and his sister Corpus Christi will be there too…

Will Beaumont (his father) attend? What about his mother, Katy?

Alright, alright, enough already…

ARE THE DODGERS REALLY TWO VICTORIES AWAY FROM THE BIG ENCHILADA?

It’s “whole enchilada” but it is a strange phrase anyway…why not “the big hamburger” or the “giant pizza”?

Whatever the outcome, it will happen AT THE RAVINE!!!!

If the Dodgers win it all we vow to eat an entire bag of candy corn!!! Well…we’d probably eat it anyway…we kind of like candy corn…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Darvish Doomed in Game 3 Gloom-Tomb, Will Los Dogs Survive?

houston baseball

October 27, 2017  by Shannon Michael Smith

Game 2 spew FIRST

Did Dave go nerd-turd? “Can’t Buy A Thrill” Hill ousted with a vaudeville cane after 4?

Yes. It’s what’s done them right, by gawd, all season long…

Is it over?

Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? (oh, you knew that crap was coming…)

Nein, my shottttzeeeee…the Dodgers only need to win one to bring it back to the land of the grand.

Sucks that Mary Hart isn’t in Houston…would you bone her if the opportunity arose?

Jesus…really?

She is a classy, elegant woman…she shouldn’t have to endure the cave-like misogynistic ramblings of…yes, we’d hit it.

Why hasn’t the Rev. Horton Heat thrown out a first pitch in that train depot they call a ballpark?

It truly is a travesty, we witnessed the genius of the Full Custom Gospel Sounds tour at the Whiskey A-Go-Go in ’93…the mofo is from Houston, right?

To hell with it all, we’re in the gull-darn World Series, aint nothing gonna break my stride, ain’t nothin–

NO.

Okay, okay…So what’s next?

Alex Woodchuck will pitch the game of his life.

D’ya really think so?

(whistles softly, walks away)

Huh? That’s just screenplay terminology, what do you mean whistles soft—

Lighten up, Francessssssss…Dodgers shall prevail.

Love that confidence! Is it true poor Dave Vass-egg is doomed to a trailer in Lubb-cock?

Yes. We’ve kicked Dave in the nuts all season….it’s all in mean-spirited fun, we kinda like the guy and his babbling non-professional ways…in all truth the guy works his keeester off…

Wood tomorrow…fuck…will this go well?

Los Dogs shall survive, amigo…better than Gloria Gaynor…shame on you K-EARTH for driving that fucking song into the ground, Jesus Christ we can never listen to that song again without wanting to rip our eyes ou—

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

 

Dodgers Dine On Astro Burgers, Chomp Game One

rascalsoftheravine influence

October 24, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Larry King was front and center in his Brooklyn hat.

Screw Brooklyn!

Yeah, we’re sick of L.A. being painted in an unfavorable light when they compare the cities, fans, etc…screw em, indeed…people move from NY to here, not the other way around…

Kringle’s two-run blast in the sixth! Taylor’s solo smash in the first!

If he had any sense, his nickname would be Tinker…

Did you hear what Joe Buck said about—

No, we mute the TV in our luxury box and listen to The Fall, you gotta problem with that?

Grotesque! Kind of like that ump behind home plate tonight who decided to lower the strike zone to the ankles…

Grotesque is great, but we’re Hex Enduction Hour men…

Did you see Mr. 1966 in the crowd tonight? We thought David Candy made the scene! 

Mary Hart was all smiles and handclaps too, it was nice to see…

Do you guys still have the hots for Mary Hart?

Let’s just say that we didn’t watch E.T. for the entertainment news…

My lucky Dodger album is Black Sabbath Vol. 4, it all started with the Cubs sweep in the 2008 NLDS…

They apparently spent much of that recording session “Snowblind”…kind of like our most of our staff at Game Three of that ’08 sweep (saw Anthony Kiedis at that game, field level, “Freaky Styley” may have been shouted as our entire staff witnessed that RHCP tour at Royce Hall, 1985 or ’86, two dollar admission, Dot 3 opened)

Didn’t George Clinton produce that?

Yes, and he was indebted to his cocaine dealer (full circle) so he let him perform on the album! That’s his voice on “Yertle the Turtle”!

Is this real?

It still seems like a wild dream, even though the Dodgers already won the first game of THE WORLD SERIES…move over Orpheus!

Cocteau’s vision of Orpheus seems like it was a big influence on Twin Peaks

The Cocteau Twins seem like they were a big influence on Twin Peaks

Hey there, Orpheus!

David Candy? The Make-Up?

Can the Dodgers take Game Two?

Is this real?

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Karma Kills Cubs As Dodgers Head To World Series

my hero

October 19, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Pssst…hey, Cubs. Next time you want to raise a flag and pass out rings in front of the team you beat to get the World Series (read “Classless Cubs Rub It In At Wrigley” for more info Steamin’ Shan) , think on tonight’s whoopin…

Are the Dodgers really headed to the World Series for the first time since 1888?

Um, no…there was no World Series in 1888…

You lie, Larry King!

He’s all jacked up on Lipitor and E&J Brandy, you can’t believe a word he says…what about King Kersh though, huh! What about freaking Keeeekaaayyyyy!

Hernandez went all Reggie Jackson, what gives?

There’s always an unlikely hero…

Like John Ritter in Hero At Large?

Exactly…

Bring on Aaron Judge and his bucky beavers…it it true what Petros says? Does he really floss his teeth with the giant steel sea chains they tie to anchors?

Yep.

Isn’t Sea Chains an album by Beck?

No.

Aren’t you guys freaking out?!?!? World fucking Series for Los Dogs!!!!

We’re all kind of standing around dumbstruck like Kevin Bacon in She’s Having A Baby…

Can I come over and hang at rascalsoftheravine headquarters and listen to The Seeds and party with you guys?

Absolutely.

I know a couple of Puerto Rican girls that’s just dyin’ to meet you…we gonna bring a case of wine, Hey, let’s go mess and fool around, you know, like we used to…

Cocaine and Some Girls, check.

Are you weeping copious tears like that stick lady in Barton Fink?

You got us. Sniff. Since 1988…in the words of Saint Etienne, we CARNT SLEEP

Dave Roberts for Presidente!!!

Easy, now…

I’d even hug Fart Anxiety or FRIED_MAN right now! 

You are drunk…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Deliver In City Of Broads With Boulders, Eyeball Sweep Tomorrow

aaron judge at play

October 17, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

After winning the first two games in the NLCS, the Dodgers have done the unimaginable!

They finally got around to trimming Kringle’s beard? Turner was starting to look like a dazed member of the Hell’s Angels in Gimmie Shelter.

No, you dolt! They won a third NLCS game! A third! Final score: Dodgers 6, Cub-Schlubs 1

Darvish’s fake-bunt AB was hypno-gold! Is this team really just one game away from a World Series trip?

No…this is all a dream…it’s 2012 and this Guggenheim Group is pulling out all the stops man, we just traded for Adrian Gonzalez! Dude this is going to be sweet, Carl Crawford is a hell of an outfielder and Beckett has some more gas left in the—

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Haha, we couldn’t resist…yes, the Dodgers are one game away…can they really do it? Just once?

Can’t we finally find a way to make it right?

You mean make the magic last for more than just one night?

I know we could break through it, if we could just get to it, just once!

James Ingram is grossly underrated. That’s all there is to it…

What about the Cubs flipping their bats in a flip-off to Puig?

Yeah, they’re all model citizens. It’s a good thing the Cubs and their fans exist so that the children of the world have solid folks to look up to…just ask Steve Bartman.

The Dodgers are swinging the bats better than Adam West’s Batarang…Taylor deserves a medal.

He should never pay for a meal at El Compadre again.

Who’s pitching tomorrow?

Us! Rascalsoftheravine have been chosen to pitch the first five innings in tomorrow’s potential clincher!

Huh?

We won a contest on the Petros and Money show…they said we could pitch…we called up and they said “What’s up?” and we said “Not muccchh, just seeing if I could win that contest to pitch Game 4 of the NLCS.”

Their response?

“That contest doesn’t exist, we’re just giving away Philippe’s gift certificates, you drunk.”

Seems odd that such a huge game would be decided by a radio contest winner…

More have been decided by less!

What does that even mean?

Okay, you got us, we’re not pitching tomorrow…we’re going to Langer’s for pastrami chili-fries….

Fred Roggin really sells those ads, doesn’t he? 

Rick Monday’s reads for Daniel’s Jewelers are Godlike too…

Conway’s baldy ads are pretty hysterical…

Enough about radio ads! Can the Dodgers provide payback tomorrow for that middle finger the Cubs thrust in the Dodgers’ face earlier this season (read the rascalsoftheravine article “Classless Cubs Rub It In At Wrigley” for further insight—Steamin’ Shan)

We are one step away…bring on Aaron Judge and his giant beaver-like chompety-choppers (the man puts the Jaws character in the James Bond films to shame.)

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Club Cubs, Enrage PETA in Game One of NLCS

more piper less dead

October 15, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

It feels like eons since Los Dogs took Game One of an NLCS! Can you dig it?

“Yes I can, and I’ve been waiting such a long time…”

Ah! Lyrics from Chicago’s “Saturday In The Park”, right?

Well, it certainly wasn’t their Saturday in that Game One loss, heh heh…

Puig’s jack was boss, he nearly had two!

Yeah, Larry King went into an improvisational dance right in front of us…his Geritol flew out of his pocket and exploded all over the VIP concourse like a thousand marbles…

What’s with Mary Hart’s hubby? His blue aviators were freaking us out!

Yeah, he’s right behind home plate (just slightly to the right if you’re watching on TV) and he’s rocked some nutty outfits during the playoffs so far…some of his duds remind us of garb we’ve seen on the Carol Burnett Show, Match Game, or The Love Boat…

Turner’s beard is getting out of control…l thought I saw a squirrel jump out of that thing last night…

Yeah, it looks like he’s about to start an Independent Nation or open up a community garden…

If he starts listening to the Grateful Dead we’ll have an intervention…

Hippies need more “Piper at the Gates of Dawn” and less “Noodly Songs For Tepid Twits”…

How about Chargin’ Charlie Culberson’s big sac fly?

That sounds like a kids book from the ‘70s…

What about Tayyyyloooorrr’s home run?

Somewhere, Linda Harrison was jumping up and down and clapping…

What about that crazy play at the plate? Safe!!!

Jacked up Joe Maddon compared the play’s outcome to the soda tax in Chicago, eeessshhhh…we think it was more like the dreaded hot dog tax in Houston or the horrifying bubble gum tax in Santa Fe or the ungodly heroin tax in Seattle…

I’m eager for Seager’s return! Will it happen tonight?

Not sure about that…

How about Maeda coming out of the pen again!

Yes, his pregame ritual now consists of a Aloha Burger from Jollybee, a solemn viewing of Tora! Tora! Tora!, and a half-dozen joints with Vic “The Brick” Jacobs, Ima sugu ikimashou!

Brilliant! Who’s pitching today?

Rich “Can’t Buy A Thrill” Hill will take on Lester The Molester at 4:30 BEST COAST TIME…

We’re feeling you!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Darvish Deals Death To D-Backs, Dodgers Advance To NLCS

murray vs rascalsoftheravine

October 9, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Bellinger and Barnes bashed blue bombs!

Yeah, Darvish dealt, the bullpen battened down the hatches. Joc Pedersen pogoed to the hits…final score: Dodgers 3, D-Backs 1.

Shocked at the sweep! They stranded a bunch of runners tonight…

Yeah, but they’re playing with confidence heading into the NLCS, could this be the year they finally get over the hump?

No.

What do you mean, no? You’re the positive one!

Just kidding, they looked damn good against Arizona, bring on those rotten Cubs…and Bill Murray…hell, bring on all the Murrays, every damn one of—

What the hell do you have against Murray?

He’s a Cub fan, that’s all I need to…all right, full disclosure, he crashed my mom’s funeral because he thought it was a German wedding and everyone there still loved him even though he took a selfie with the corpse.

Quit whining, the DODGERS WON THE DS AND ARE INCHES AWAY FROM A PLACE THEY HAVE NOT BEEN TO SINCE 1988!

Oakland?

No, Einstein, the World Series!!

Do you think Larry King could take Bill Murray?

Oh, here we go again…no.

What if it were a knife fight? King looks like he can handle a blade, I’d put odds on–

Look, the Cubs aren’t even a lock yet, sure they have a 2-1 lead in the series, but Washington could easily—

The problem with tangling with the Murrays is their overall numbers…I saw B.D. Murray in that Mexican Restaurant at the Burbank Airport once and—

Okay, fine, Larry King could take Bill in a knife fight, are you happy now? Can we get to NLCS banter? Los Dogs are hitting better this year than they have in postseason failures of the recent past…can the bats remain hot?

Who will start in Game One for the Dodgers?

What are you, a pampered scribe? You know who will start…

Ryu! Just kidding, it’s that Clayton fellow…if anyone deserves a ring, it’s C.K.

If Darvish can replicate what he did tonight (minus the wild beaning that nearly caved that dude’s face in) then the Dodgers have a real chance to—are you watching the knife fight from West Side Story? You have to let the Murray thing go, man…

Larry King can take them!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Puig’s Panache Pulverizes Desert Dwellers as Dodgers Take Game Two

let's make some noise

October 8, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Let’s Make Some Noise!

The Tubes song?

No, Rich Hill held up a sign that said “Make Some Noise” for all the crowd to see…

Yeah, we’re just messing with ya, we saw it, he broke about 12 MLB codes and will face Doug Neidermeyer in a kangaroo court today…

Well, It looks like the Dodgers should take this series after that 8-5 victory last night…

Not so fast! The series continues in Arizona on Monday, and—Lee Corso?! Where did you come from? Oh, the catch phrase, “not so fast”, yeah, we know it’s yours, sorry…do you actually appear anytime anyone uses it just to scold them? You do, huh…okay, good to know…

Never mess with a man that partied with Burt Reynolds…that’s all I’m saying…

Anyway, the series heads to Arizona…the Dodgers are looking good to win it, but it ain’t over yet…

How bout Five-Inning Fanny coming out of the pen last night?

Yeah, Maeda’s perfect for pen work these days and he sure showed it…

Puig is on fire!

It’s a gas to see him contributing and having a ball in the postseason, indeed…

“If you want to ride, get on the Wild Horse”

Haha, if you’re referring to the Laid Back song from ’83, it’s “White Horse” not wild horse…

I know, but Dodger Stadium should play the hell out of it, especially when Puig comes to bat…

Laid Back were a Danish duo, just in case you were wondering. “White Horse” is the B-side of “Sunshine Reggae”. It’s also about inhaling ungodly amounts of cocaine…and Danish penis…

Thanks, professor…who do the Dodgers face in AZ on Monday?

THE ONE WHO SHOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN AWAY…Zack Greinke…which is why we say, “Not so fast”

Did Lee Corso appear again?

Damnnit…yes…and this time he brought Tommy Trojan with him, and they look pissed…

Who’s hurling for the Dodgers on Monday?

Dashing Devilish Dangerous Darvish…

And his Danish penis?

What? No…uh-oh, Tommy and Corso are breaking furniture…we gotta get out of here…

They better not touch Oliver the Tiki!

Damn it, why did you say that! Corso just started dry-humping him…

Tommy Trojan?

No, Oliver the Tiki, you dolt!

Do you think the Rams can take the Seahawks today and get to 4-1?

This is not a Rams blog!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Torpedo Taijuan’s Seasoning, Take Game One

our tiki

October 7, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

What a scene at the Ravine!

Larry King did the cha-cha-cha.  Mary Hart passed out skewered snake tapas. Dennis Gilbert danced with a midget.

Hey, did you guys eat the double bacon cheeseburger with the donut bun last night?

We didn’t stop there! Kringle’s three-run blast in the bottom of the first almost made us drop our fried chicken and ice cream sandwiches. Almost. Final score: Dodgers 9, Snakes 5. Good thing USC Medicine is a sponsor because a couple of our staffers needed a quick defib post-game after all that grease inhalin’.

Grease is the word! What about Puig’s tongue-taunting triple?!

Yeah, he turned on the jets faster than Kurt Russell in The Strongest Man in the World.

Kersh gave me quite a scare in the seventh with those back-to-back jacks.

I’d be more worried about Hill and Darvish’s starts…

Who’s pitching for the Snakes tonight?

Robbie Rist. You may remember him from his stint as Cousin Oliver on The Brady Bunch.

You mean Oliver the tiki? The one that Vincent Price talks to in the cave during the Bunch’s Hawaiian stint?

Different episode…funny that you mention that, we acquired that very tiki and it stands proudly in our rascalsoftheravine headquarters…

Rich Hill is not The Bishop!

That is the worst nickname, we refuse to use it…we’ve given him plenty of better ones throughout the season…

How will “Bunker” Hill fare tonight?

The Magic 8-Ball in our office says “Too goddamn foggy to tell”…

I thought the “Magic 8-Ball” in your office was just a giant pile of cocaine…

It was…until Kelsey Grammer stopped by….Never. Again.

Did he have Vince Neal in tow?

Nope, he had Gary Coleman as his party Wonder Twin that night…

But Gary Coleman’s dead!

That’s what we thought too! Yet there he was…trying to steer us all towards a Hamburger Hamlet…

Did Ketel Marte shoot Ketel One into his veins after last night’s loss?

Stands to reason…

Is Brandon Drury a druid?

Obviously…

Does Jake Lamb prefer Shawarma?

Yes he does, so tonight the Dodgers will be hawking a Lamb Shawarma wrap dipped in caramel and coated with angel dust…

Sold!

Until tomorrow, mirth-seekers!!!