Hill Gives Heave-Ho to Hated Ones

moronic giants fans

August 25, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

One stinkin’ run. That’s all it took to topple the G-Men. Rich Hill hurled six scoreless innings in his Dodger debut to beat their division rivals, 1-0. Los Dogs now have a three game lead on the scum of San Fran. Blue Crew fans will beat down batteries with brooms tonight at the Ravine as they go for the sweep at 7:10.

Matt Moore (he’s just plain stunk since the hated ones acquired him a few weeks ago…7-10 4.18 ERA) will face Ross Stripling (3-4 4.04 ERA) in tonight’s contest.

Will Stripling sear Span like a savory steak? Will Moore munch M&Ms with Michael Meyers? Will battery chuckers (the pathetic creeps can’t even spell, see attached pic) grow tired of their team’s collapse and hurl projectiles at their beloved losers? Stay tuned! Until tomorrow, mirth-seekers!!!


G-Men Beaten as Big Bats Best Mad Bum


August 23, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Back and forth it went.

Los Dogs nipped at Mad Bum’s heels right from the start. In the bottom of the first inning, Seager ripped a two-out double and Turner drove him in a moment later. Segedin hit his second career HR in the second inning much to Vin Scully’s delight (the guy is really into the number two in case you haven’t noticed).

In the third inning, Maeda ran into some trouble and surrendered a single and a walk…a wild pitch landed Giant runners on second and third with one out. It wasn’t long before the game was tied, 2-2.

Seager, Turner, and Gonzalez turned it on again in the bottom of the third to bring the Dodgers up 3-2.

Maeda and Grandal had their signals crossed all night. In the fifth inning, a Pagan single followed by another wild pitch advanced Pagan to second…a ground rule double by Belt tied the game a moment later, 3-3.

Gonzo’s single scored Kendrick and Seager in the fifth to bring Los Dogs ahead again, 5-3.  Jesse Chavez coughed up a run in the sixth to bring the Giants within a run, 5-4.

Andrew Toles (he’s been a monster since he came on board–.326 in 46 ABs) ripped a double in the sixth to score Utley from first and scored a moment later on a Hernandez single…7-4 Dogs (he hit a two-run shot in the bottom of the eighth too…final score, 9-5 Dodgers).

The Dodgers have won their 70th game of the year and are two games up on the hated ones. They’re going to need all the buffer they can get going into the weekend series with the Cubs…these next two games are crucial.

With Anderson and Kazmir on the DL, Culberson was called up earlier today. Luis Avilan was also called up from his lucrative high heel shoe and boot business (see attached photo) to join the bullpen.

Blister-riddled Rich Hill will make his Dodger debut on Wednesday. After Hill and Maeda, the rest of the rotation is like The Riddler’s costume: giant question marks. Urias? Norris? Stripling???????????????????????????????????????????????

Let’s get back to Vin Scully’s number two obsession…don’t go there creeps, we mean it, his whole “deuces are wild” thing is nutty. What does it all mean? He absolutely freaked out when the score reached 2-2 tonight, as if he was waiting for it. Room 222 must have been his favorite TV show from 1969-1974! We have to wonder if Scully has a lost twin, or if his nickname was “snake eyes” in grade school.

Rich Hill makes his Dodger debut tomorrow; they’ve been nursing his blistered fingers since he came over in a trade with the A’s a few weeks ago. Johnny Cueto will get the start for the Giants.

Will Hill’s pus-filled pitches blister the bastards of the bay? Will Johnny Cueto dole Dominican doom on the Dodger dugout? Is Vin Scully’s top tune “Tea for Two”? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Reds Ripped, Frisco Freaks On Deck

Psycho Battery Chucker

August 23, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Dodgers raked Red pitching yesterday to the tune of eighteen runs and gained a half-game on the hated ones to boot (the Giants were dormant).

It was a good thing Los Dogs had their mashin’ boots on as Kazmir and the rest of the hurlers coughed up nine runs (Kaz never made it out of the third and surrendered four).  Baez gave up two in the sixth and Chavez, Norris, and Fields each relinquished a run.

Hey! We don’t need to tell you how huge this upcoming series with the Giants is. It’s late August. Los Dogs are one game up. They face the hated ones nine times before the end of the season. These nine games, these heated hatefests, shall determine the course of 2016…

One of the wild things about the Mad Bum vs Maeda matchup is their identical win and loss total this season. They’re both 12-7. Who in April would have predicted that Maeda and Mad Bum would have the same win and loss total in late August? Not many. Mad Bum’s ERA is lower, of course, he sports a tidy 2.25…Maeda’s 3.29 is nothing to sneer at, though.

Who will be king of the hill tonight? Hell, normally we’d take Mad Bum, but the way this season has gone, the fact that the Dodgers are in first place with Kershaw out and a starting rotation that can’t get past five innings makes me think anything is possible in this series.

Let’s not forget that Dodger bats are red hot. Gonzo went gonzo and hit three home runs yesterday…Toles, Segedin, Seager, and Grandal each chimed in with a jack. Los Dogs have found their power since the All-Star break. They’ll need every bit of it in these nine nail-biters to come. The battery chuckers (see attached pic) will be out in full force tonight, the LAPD may want to hook up their hoses in the stadium…

What wacky transportation did the Giants use to make their journey to the southland? Did they traverse Highway 5 in another Keseyesque day-glo psychedelic ship? Did Mad Bum rent a fleet of ATVs for the team to tackle off-road action in the Lost Hills? Did they hunt boar with crossbows off said ATVs? Does Bochy have a cardboard cutout of Andrew Friedman that he strips of a garment every time the Giants win? Does Bochy play Bocce Ball, and his he any good?

All these questions and more shall be answered! Stay tuned! Until tomorrow, mirth-seekers!

The Teenager Topples Natti, Infuriates Rastas


August 21, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Julio Urias stopped the bleeding this afternoon as he staved off a series loss in a 4-0 victory against the Reds, and kept the Dodgers afloat in the NL West race.

The “Terrible Teen” gave up six hits in six strong innings…he also struck out six…numbers of the beast, indeed!

The Giants and the Mets face off in about an hour. With Los Dogs and the hated ones tied for first at the moment, you can bet blue crew tubes will be tuned into that turmoil!

Tomorrow morning (yes, the game’s on at 9:35 AM in L.A.) the Dodgers will send Scott Kazmir to the hill for the final game in the series. Homer Bailey gets the start for the Reds. Los Dogs face Frisco in a three-game-series starting Tuesday, they’d like to get out of Cincy with a series split.

We had a betting pool recently here at rascalsoftheravine.com to see which staffer could correctly guess the number of drunks who have tried to scale the smokestacks in center field at the Great American Ballpark? Anyone care to guess? We’ll reveal the true number in tomorrow’s article and reward the reader whose guess is closest!

Will Homer’s Hellenistic heaters hasten Blue Crew crushers? Will Kazmir crucify rambunctious Red Leg rakers? Stay tuned! Until tomorrow, mirth-seekers!

Sweep Stymied as Dogs Head to Cincy

red menace

August 19, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Dayton be damned as Los Dogs dumped what should have been a solid sweep in Philly. Eickoff held on for six innings (gee, a pitcher throwing six innings, we wonder what that’s like) as he survived megaton blasts by Turner and Grandal. The Giants won too, of course, and now Los Dogs’ fragile lead has been cut to just ½ a game…

Sin City? Forget it, baby. We’re talking CIN city. Cincinnati. The Dodgers are already there preparing for their upcoming series. Bud Norris? We know, you haven’t seen him for a month. How will he fare against the Red menace?

The Dodgers have the best slugging percentage (since July) in the majors. They’re going to need to hang onto that power as the bullpen is finally starting to show some cracks. The Reds are playing better baseball lately, Los Dogs shouldn’t expect to just coast into town and wallop the Cincinnati Kids (they’re six games over .500 since mid-July).

We heard John Oates was at the game last night in Philly? True? We can’t confirm, although we CAN tell you that we’d rather play a game where you had to find virtual pop-up images of Oates rather than Pokemon…

Tim Adleman will get the start for the Reds tonight. Norris, as we mentioned above, will take the hill for Los Dogs.

Will Adleman’s Adderall-addicted ass assimilate A-Gone’s action? Will Norris needle numerous, noxious, ‘Natti nailers?

Will rascalsoftheravine finally get off the green latrine and go “Down in the Seine”? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Utley Returns to Philly, Kicks Them Squar in Nuts

philly fans

August 17, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

We’ll have two jacks, five RBIs, and a side of swollen nuts, please! Utley’s monster night in his return to the City of Brotherly Love was just what the Dodgers ordered, as they beat the Phills, 15-5, and grabbed first place from the hated ones.

That’s right, folks…Los Dogs are now in first place.

The bats may be streaky, but since July, no one swings the sticks like the Dodgers. Starters? Who needs ‘em? Just give the bastards of the bullpen five innings and they’ll lock it down!

How long can it last? We’ve been asking ourselves that all year…Kershaw, Ryu, McCarthy, Norris, Anderson, they’re all corpses in the trenches of a war-torn season. Where the hell is Rich Hill? It looks like Anderson may emerge again, but as for the rest…

Where the hell are Hall & Oates at these Philly games? Shouldn’t they be slobbering all over the mic or something? Couldn’t they sing the National Anthem? “Take Me Out to the Ballgame”? “Family Man”? Oates has that bitchin’ Phillies emblazoned guitar, he needs to put it to use! All kidding aside, the mustachio meister crooned the anthem for the Phills in ’08 when Daryl bailed out due to the flu! Apparently, the sheer power of having both Hall AND Oates at Citizens Bank Park would cause chaos not seen since the Depeche Mode riots of 1990.

Scott Kazmir will take the hill tonight for Los Dogs. Jake Thompson will get the start for the Phillies. Jake Thompson sounds like the name of a detective from the ‘40s…or a hero in a high school sex comedy of the ‘80s…

Will Jake jokingly jeer Joc and Josh with jive? Will Thompson tip-off his titanic obsession with “Out of Touch”? Will rascalsoftheravine admit they took a bus in 7th grade to Sam Goody to buy “H20”? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dinged Up Dogs Picked Off by Pirates

Los Dogs

August 15, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

The injuries were a joke in Spring Training. Anderson, McCarthy, the entire rotation…it’s still a joke. Yet, this team sits one game behind the Giants after dumping a series to the Pittsburgh Pirates yesterday—go figure.

The Dodgers have the day off today as they travel to Philadelphia for a three-game series against the Phillies. The Giants play the Pirates at 7:10, so by the end of the evening, the Dodgers will either be a game-and-a-half, or half a game behind the hated ones.

If you’re ever in Philly, and have a hankerin’ for some colonial cuisine, check out The City Tavern (the first Fourth of July party was held there in 1777, yeah, it’s that old, kingfish) for some mighty fine squab and ale. Don’t forget to examine the infamous bush on the side of the building where John Adams used to spew up his nightly intake, all hail “Old Sink or Swim”!

Kenta Maeda will take the hill for Los Dogs tomorrow. Vince Velasquez (the Dodgers kicked the crap out him last time to the tune of nine runs) will get the start for Philly.

Will Master Maeda wax-off the pathetic panderers of P-town? Will Vinny Velasquez’s vim and vigor eviscerate vibrant Dodger vrrroooooommm??? Did rascalsoftheravine attend the Rams game on Sat and eat veal? VA VA VOOOM! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Stripling Buggered by Pirates, Keith Richards Spotted Fleeing Stadium

Dodger Buggerer

August 13, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Pirates plundered Stripling for three runs in the first inning and never looked back on their way to a 5-1 victory over the Dodgers. At least Stripling pitched seven innings, he froze Buccaneer bats in the second, fourth, fifth, and sixth, but coughed up a single run in the third and seventh for a five ER night.

Los Dogs need to BUC-kle down if they don’t want to lose this series and their heated proximity on the hated ones. Another loss would also make it three-in-a-row…

The Grim Mortician (McCarthy is 2-2 with a 3.00 ERA) will take the hill for the Dodgers today. Gerrit Cole (7-7 2.94 ERA) gets the start for the Pirates. Gerrit Cole is the type of name that was invented at the bottom of a hidden moonshine hole in the sticks! Was pappy brewin’ up a storm that night? Pappy Cole was in search of a name that rhymed with ferret or carrot…

Will morose McCarthy the mortician mercifully maneuver his off-target offerings? Will Cole’s moonshine hole produce prodigious pop ups for pappy’s profit? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!


dodgers in playoffs?

August 10, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

First place?!?!?!? That’s right, folks, the win against Philly last night has moved the Dodgers into a NL West tie with the hated ones. Home runs by Kendrick, Grandal, and Turner powered Los Dogs against the Phillies to take the series. Chavez, Dayton, and Howell mopped up the remaining four innings that Maeda couldn’t manage, which has been par-for-the-course all season (It’s no secret that Dodger starters can’t emerge get past the fifth inning).

Or is it a secret?

In describing last night’s start from Kenta Maeda, the Dodgers website foisted the quote, “While Kenta Maeda didn’t have one of his better nights, going just five innings…” STOP RIGHT THERE! Going just five innings? Like every starter (except Kershaw) has all season? Where have you been? How do pampered scribes keep their jobs? This is why we gag when we watch the MLB Network talk about the Dodgers, all they do is collect old data and quotes from other pampered scribes (also inaccurate). Their laziness is astounding.

To hell with pampered scribes, let’s focus on the playoffs. Can the Dodgers actually make it? It would be easy to predict that S.F. will pull it together, that Los Dogs’ bullpen will finally collapse, that the bats will cool off and Seager’s incredible rookie season will fizzle out…

So let’s say that the Dodgers actually make the playoffs. They’ve beaten St. Louis, Washington, and Boston recently…but could this team hold up against the Cubs at their playoff best? If you look at the Dodgers on paper, with all the injuries, you’d say no way…but then there’s that Blue Crew mojo they’ve got going on. Starters be damned! All hail the bullpen!

When Seager started turning heads this spring, we cautioned restraint. Joc Pederson and Yasiel Puig’s flash/fizzle was still fresh in our minds…we didn’t want to curse poor Seager. “Wait until mid-August to crown him rookie of the year,” we warned. Well…it’s almost mid-August! Time to break out our rookie crown polish!

The Dodgers will send so-so Scott Kazmir to the hill against the Phillies today as they go for the sweep. Hey, pampered scribes, Kazmir hasn’t made it past the fifth inning in HALF HIS STARTS THIS YEAR…don’t say we never did anything for you. The Phillies will go with Jeremy Hellickson.

Will Hellickson heave hell upon burgeoning Blue Crew-bashers? Will Kamir cough up a kidney if he climbs past the fifth inning? Will rascalsoftheravine face pampered scribes in a West Side Story-type rumble with switchblades? BRING IT ON SCRIBES! Until next time, mirth-seekers!!

Phillies Fizzle as Seager Slugs a Pair, Ravin Returns to Nest

2 mascots

August 9, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Corey Seager smoked two home runs (20,21) and Josh Ravin returned to the bullpen (you remember Ravin’s string of bad luck from Spring Training…flu…broken arm…suspension) as the Dodgers beat the Phillies, 9-4. We should mention that Ravin’s Twitter page was a gas (when it was public).

The victory could have pulled the Dodgers even with the Giants if it weren’t for a 14th inning victory by the hated ones over the Miami Marlins. Where are Crockett and Tubbs when you need them?

The Terrible Teen (Urias) was only charged with one earned run in five innings (what else) worth of work, but he did forget to cover home plate on a throwing error (two more runs scored). We’ll have to make sure his mom confiscates his Pokemon Go for a few days, seems like a suitable punishment. Fields, Howell, Baez, and Ravin mopped up the rest of the innings (Baez surrendered the other run).

Dodger Stadium’s Extreme Loaded Dogs counter usually has zany concoctions that coincide with the visiting team’s city. In other words, they had a Philly Cheese Dog for sale last night. The Philly Phanatic himself was stationed behind the counter and would simply waft his boozy breath over the dog as a final touch before it was handed to customers. Tasty.

The Fightin’ Phils will send Vince Velasquez to the hill tonight. Los Dogs will shuttle out Kenta Maeda. Mr. Maeda won his tenth game in his last start, which means, of course, that he’ll struggle tonight (if Kenta can win two games in a row, we’ll do somersaults).

Will Vince Velasquez vociferously vacate his bowels for blue-crew bashers? Will Maeda marvelously make mince pies out of the flagellated Phils? Stay tuned! Until tomorrow, mirth-seekers!