Dodgers Dine Late On Raw Redbirds

M8DCODI EC002

May 24, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Broadcasting legend, Charlie Steiner, referenced the short story, The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Runner by Alan Sillitoe during extras in last night’s thirteen-inning marathon at the Ravine. Kershaw and Lynn duked it out like Apollo Creed and Rocky (Lynn hurled for eight, Kersh went nine). We here at rascalsoftheravine certainly envisioned a nineteen-inning night ahead until the magic bat of Logan Forsythe drove in fellow Rancho-rehabber, Adrian Gonzalez, for the big win in the thirteenth. Final score: Dodgers 2, Cardinals 1.

Did you guys move your headquarters or something?

Yep, we moved to Mount Baldy. Our rogue writer, Tom Fostex, has a shack up there, so the entire staff moved in for the summer, kind of like John Belushi in Continental Divide.

So, you’re saying that, like in the film, you’re all newspaper men, and you’re on the run from corrupt policeman and have to hide out in the Rockies to interview Blair Brown.

Ummm…no…we just meant that we high tailed it to the mountains to drink beer and fish for the entire summer…Jesus, don’t take everything so seriously.

Is that why you guys were practically MIA on the series with the Marlins?

Yes. The Dodgers kicked us out of the abandoned 76 Station, we had to find somewhere to live!

Whatever, who’s pitching tonight in Game 2 of the series against the Redbirds?

Rich Hill (he’s earned the nickname “Rich Little” amongst his teammates because of his spot on imitation of Arch Hall Jr.) will take the…hill (we’ve been waiting to do that for a while) for the Dodgers. Mike Leake (father of Kelly) will pitch for St. Louis…

Will Gonzalez, Grandal, and Gutierrez rumble with Garcia, Grichuk, and Gyorko to decide who’s the ultimate “G”? Was Stephen Piscotty tormented in his youth by roving gangs of thug kids who called him “biscotti” and endlessly bugged him for Italian cookies? Will there be a collision bobblehead of Puig and Pederson after last night’s fender bender in the outfield? Will rascalsoftheravine staff members get dysentery in Fostex’ caveman cabin?

Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Pardon Our Dust!

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May 22, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Hey, fans! Rascalsoftheravine has been MIA for the last couple of days because we’re moving our HQ to a remote outpost somewhere in the Angeles National Forest. We’ll resume play on May 24th and give you the skinny on our new digs. Los Dogs have the day off today and will begin a series with the Cardinals tomorrow. See you Wednesday, mirth-seekers!

Puig’s Home Run Travels Around Globe, Hits Him In Back

WALLYWOOD

May 19, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

That’s right folks, Puig’s big jack travelled the entire circumference of the Earth and hit him square in between the two sixes on his back to break the world record for the quickest orbit of an object around the planet.

The Dodgers ended up winning the game, 7-2, but the big story was obviously the speedy satellite off Yasiel’s bat.

Has anyone ever hit a ball around the Earth before?

Piazza came close in 1994 when he launched a sizzling smoker that fell short of total circumference and landed in Don Knotts’ hot tub in Reno. The ball knocked a drink out of the hands of one of the tub dwellers, a mildly successful piano tinkler known as Liberace!

What happened to Turner? Good God, No!

The Dodgers’ ace face appeared to have snapped his hamstring as he rounded third base. The team can’t afford to lose Captain Clutch for too long…

Is Wally Wood pitching tonight?

No, sadly, his name is not Wally. Imagine the Wallywood shirts, Weird Science references, and Mad Magazine nods! Just do it, Alex. Change your name to Wally. You know you want to…

Did A.J. Ellis and Kershaw party after the game last night?

Yes! Get ready for this fans, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas has nothing on the night that these two maniacs…wait, what? They went to Astro Burger and had chocolate malteds? What is this, Archie Comics? Did they bring freaking Jughead? Modern players, sheeeeesssh! Doesn’t anyone get drunk anymore???

Does Marlins pitcher, Justin Nicolino, play the pan flute?

It seems like a man named Nicolino would play a pan flute or some sort of woodwind…whilst dangling from the branch of a tree like a sprite.

What time does the game start tonight?

Midnight. When do you think? 7AM? Noon? The game starts at 7:10, genius, just like it does every damn night…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Yasmani Grandal Doesn’t Need To Steal Signs, Because He Can Read Your Mind

Yasmani can read minds

May 18, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Does “Eye In The Sky” by The Alan Parsons Project go through Yasmani’s noodle as he tap dances off second base?

“I can read your mind…looking at you…”

Is Grandal some sort of clairvoyant? The Giants thought he was stealing signs yesterday and the benches cleared as a result. It should be noted that Kershaw hurried through the near-melee NOT to warm up and focus on the game (as pampered scribes thought) but to finish his Subway sandwich he had left on the mound at the end of the previous inning. We all know about Cueto’s unquenchable desire for processed meats. Kershaw’s true fear was that Cueto had gobbled up his turkey and jalapeño with mustard (yes, on whole wheat.)

Get back to Grandal, already!

Right! Yasmani’s CIA-fed cover story about his family winning the lottery to obtain citizenship in 1998 is a smokescreen to conceal his heavy involvement in “Project RBI-Ultra”, a Castro funded mind-control experiment that allowed players to read pitcher’s minds. Now you know why Cuban players command so much money in today’s market. Voila!

Who’s In Town Tonight?

The Marlins are here! Dee Gordon, A.J. Ellis, and Don Mattingly will accidentally enter the home clubhouse before being turned away by Carl Crawford, who sometimes wanders down there himself. Do you think it’s easy just sitting on a couch counting 20 mil? The guy has to do something! There’re only so many times one can frequent Spearmint Rhino…

Will Ryu…no, no we can’t talk about him anymore, we can’t take it, the guy throws clunkers, then a decent start, then the DL, then more clunkers, then a decent start, then the DL, then more clunkers…it’s worse than Groundhog Day.

Edinson Volquez takes the hill for the Marlins tonight. What? He’s another blister-baby? What’s with these guys? What are they doing to their damn hands? Has anyone heard of freaking Rose Milk?

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Blanked By Blecchhhh, Bashed By Belt

johnny cueto's idol

May 17, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Well they weren’t exactly blanked, but the headline was too good to pass up. Chris Taylor scored the Dodgers’ lone run off blecchedy Blach with a bay-bound bomb in the sixth inning. Final score: Hated Ones 2, Dodgers 1.

Rich Hill returned in decent form as he held the Giants to one run (Belt’s homer) in five innings worth of work. Luis Avilan, boot fetishist (check out the rascalsoftheravine article “G-Men Beaten as Big Bats Best Mad Bum” for image), coughed up the second run to the bat of Brandon Crawford.

Hey, Kershaw’s going for his career twentieth win against the Giants franchise today, isn’t that cool?

Whatever, it will be “cool” when the Dodgers win a World Series.

That’s not very nice, Kershaw’s bound for the Hall!

Okay, but the Dodgers need to win at least two World Series titles with Kersh at the helm before he goes into Koufax territory.

But, Greg Maddux only has one World Series title, and he…

Can it, softy! Someone needs to light a fire under L.A.’s ass!

What time is the game today?

Get a watch! 12:45 Fran-Fran time…

Was Johnny Cueto a lounge singer in the Dominican before he came to the U.S.?

Yes. Check out his fine release, The Sultan of San Pedro, on SST Records.

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

William Dozier Narrates Rascalsoftheravine!

Dozier guest starts in rascalsoftheravine

May 15, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Chaos in Colorado!

Urias undone by bitter bats!

Boisterous Bellinger continues to bash!

Seager: What am I? Chopped liver?

Dodgers split series, head for Frisco freeze!

McCarthy puts down TV remote, rejoins rotation!

Justin Turner is NOT young Kris Kringle! It just feels like Christmas when he’s at the plate!

Will Matt Cain clobber L.A.’s colossal crushers?

Will McCarthy manhandle Michael Morse?

Stay tuned!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Dodgers Put Pink Stink On Cocksure Colorado

rascalsoftheravine's ride

May 14, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Hey, we’re all for alt unis and such (see rascalsoftheravine’s fine post “3 Ways To Improve The Dodger Uniform”) but these Mother’s Day eyesores that the league has rolled out are atrocious. It’s not the pink, it’s not the grey, it’s the fact that EVERY TEAM IS WEARING THE SAME DAMN THING! Why??? Each team should have had their own unique spin on the pink as opposed to having every home and road uniform altered in the same way throughout the league (if you watch multiple contests simultaneously like we do, this became a huge issue fairly quickly as every game looked the same.)

Who Cares About Uniforms, What Happened In The Game Yesterday?

The fresh face club contributed nicely in last night’s victory. Steiner commented that the lineup last night was more like a Sunday afternoon cast (after a late night Saturday game) of bench dudes and AAA straddlers. Don’t tell that to Austin Barnes who doubled in Hernandez in the second inning to put Los Dogs on the board. Alex Wood sac bunted Barnes in later in the inning to put the Dodgers up 2-0.

Brett Eibner (whose last name evokes an optometrist or an ophthalmologist…paging Dr. Eibner…Dr. Eibner please pick up the white courtesy phone..) got the ball rolling with a supersonic home run that reportedly just landed in Tampa Bay somewhere…the giant jack surprised most fans because he’s…Brett Eibner…

Final Score: Dodgers 4, Rockies 0

Was Wood Hard?

Rock hard! Alex allowed zero runs in six innings worth of work…he also struck out ten men…he also sprays Axe on his pink bat to bring out the sexy.

He’s Had A Couple Of Great Starts In-A-Row, Will He Get Injured Now?

Yes.

Who’s Pitching Today?

Ol’ goofy goggles himself, Julio Urias.

Wasn’t He Awesome Against The Pirates In His Last Start?

OH YEAH, he took a no-no into the seventh…WOULD ROBERTS HAVE PULLED HIM IF HE KEPT IT UP? Probably…it’s the only thing we hate about Roberts, he’s aces otherwise…a no hitter is such a rare thing, that to pull a starter from a career-making event like that is…criminal.

Speaking Of Criminal, Isn’t “Criminal World” by Metro a Great Song, Didn’t Bowie Cover It?

Focus! Antonio “The Little Prince” Senzatela or Principito as he’s called (because he comes from the same town in Venezuela as Seattle pitcher, “King Felix” Hernandez) will take the hill today for the Rockies.

Can Senzatela stifle Seager? Will Urias (this is so hard, because the first three letters of his name are U-R-I, and there’s only one other word that springs to mind that starts with those letters, and it’s urine…see what we have to work through? Kidney stone jokes! Take that, pampered scribes!) gouge Garneau and Gonzalez? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Bell “Toles” for Andrew, Rocks Rip Ryu

rascalsoftheravine readers live here

May 12, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

“Bring Out Your Dead”

Here comes the meat wagon…poor Toles is done for the season after he went Jason Werth and slammed into an outfield wall Wednesday night trying to run down a screamer off the bat of Andrew McCutchen. It goes without saying that Toles has been terrific this season and will certainly be missed. The Dodgers ended up sweeping the series against the Bucs, but…

You Gotta Be Kidding Part II

We worried that after Maeda’s boss start on Wednesday that something bad would happen. Why did we worry? It seems that every Dodger pitcher (minus Kershaw) seems to land on the DL after a brilliant start (McCarthy, Ryu a couple of weeks ago.) Now, Maeda’s on the 10-day DL with a tight hamstring. The team may want to keep Urias in a giant hermetically sealed jar…kind of like Travolta in The Boy In The Plastic Bubble. Wait, has anyone heard from Alex Wood? Put a bodyguard on that kid, pronto! No, not Kevin Costner…he’s THE bodyguard…just have someone watch Wood to make sure he doesn’t cut up his fingers putting Cheese Whiz on crackers, okay?

Rox Rain Destruction On Ryu 

Ryu appeared flatter and duller than a Kansas City encyclopedia salesman in the ten-run rout the Rox laid on him last night. To the team’s credit, they didn’t quit and managed to score seven runs in the 10-7 loss.

Clash at Coors Field

No, the Clash aren’t playing at Coors Field. Kershaw takes the hill tonight in game two of the four-game series in Denver. The Rockies roll out Tyler Chatwood for his first start against Los Dogs this season.

Will Kershaw right the ship?

Yes.

But, the Rockies beat him last time?

So.

Shouldn’t we be nervous going into this thing?

No.

Is Dylan ever going to tour again?

We don’t know, quit bugging us already!

What Time Does The Game Start?

Geez, what are we, Big Ben? It depends on where you live…here in Los Angle-Us the game starts at 5:40…that’s 7:40 for all our Jamaican readers…we don’t really have any readers in Jamaica…but they love us in Saint Vincent and the Grenadines! Until next time, mirth-seekers!!

Buc Them! Dodgers Plunder Pirates, 12-1

gazoo cooks steak

May 9, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Tayyyyloooorr…

According to Rick Monday, the word amongst Los Dogs is that Taylor has been hitting the ball as hard as anybody since Spring Training. We’d believe Rick Monday if he told us that the Martians had landed too, we love that guy. Don’t believe us? We collectively gained forty pounds last year “stopping by In-N-Out after the game” based on his recommendations! Our hall closet is stuffed with chocolate diamonds from Daniel’s Jewelers! We’ve dubbed him Hypno-Rick!

Get Back To The Game, Weirdos…

Chris Tayyyyloooor blasted a grand slam into deep orbit (the ball still hasn’t come down according to N.A.S.A. and that little green guy from The Flintstones) in a six-run first inning that ate up Pitt early.

Bellinger went hitless but managed a walk and scored later on the Taylor tattoo (which is wild, because he was listening to “Tattoo” by The Who right before the game.)

Pederson ripped three hits and had two RBIs. Puig hit a home run in the sixth. As a matter of fact, there were only two Dodgers (besides the pitchers) that were left out of the hit parade. Utley and Bellinger (Utley walked in his one AB, Bellinger walked and scored later as we mentioned above.)

Wood Stiffens Competition

Alex Wood’s performance shouldn’t go un…cheered for. He struck out eleven batters in five innings worth of hurlin’. He only surrendered two hits and a measly walk. Stripling coughed up a run in the sixth but settled down and lasted through the eighth. Liberatore (he’s back!) pitched a hitless ninth.

Bad Manners

Ivan “The Engine” Nova (3-3, 2.14 ERA, was knocked around by the Reds last week) will face Julio Urias (0-0, 0.84 ERA, still trying to find the passcode so he can unlock Cinemax After Dark at his parents’ house) and his dashing welder’s goggles at 7:10 tonight.

Speaking of Urias’ specs, someone in the promo department missed a serious opportunity this year. Either there should have been a Urias ugly eyewear giveaway (no 12 and under crap either, who pays the money for the damn tickets anyway, some 12 year old? what’s next, spit-up saturday? toddler tuesday? man child monday?) OR they should have made a nifty, giant Chia-sprouting pair of gruesome glasses for one and all.

Will Max Moroff make mince pies with Mercer and McCutchen? Will Grandal and Gutierrez grow grapes in Grass Valley? Will Gift Ngoepe try to return his own first name? Stay tuned! Until tomorrow, mirth-seekers!!!

Bellinger Pummels Padres, Adrian Who?

wholesome post-game fun

May 6, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Out with the old, in with the new. Adrian Gonzalez (10-Day DL…herniated disk, right forearm stiffness, needs to catch up on Season 3 of Bosch…) wisely decided to rest his weary bones in favor of the new kid in town, Cody Bellinger.

Bellinger’s response in San Diego last night? Two jacks, four RBIs, and a partridge in a pear tree. Final score: Dodgers 8, Padres 2. Bellinger also made tuna sandwiches for the team before the game AND treated the gang to an evening at the Gaslamp Strip Club afterwards…oh, go on, it’s a steak house people…we prefer Goldfinger’s or Cheetahs ourselves…

Here We Go Again…

First Ryu, now McCarthy tweaks his shoulder…luckily, Maeda seems to be heading in the right direction after another decent start (1 ER on 3 Hits in 5 innings) but this team’s starting rotation is wobblier than a Weeble post-Kershaw.

Speaking of King Kersh, they moved his start up to today (cause it’s going to rain in San Diego tomorrow, STOP THE PRESSES! “It never rains Southern California, but girls, don’t they warn ya, it pours, MAN IT POURS.”)

Clayton Vs Clayton?

No, it’s not a weepy divorce drama from 1979 starring Dustin Hoffman and Meryl Streep, it’s todays matchup at Petco Park. Clayton Richard vs Clayton Kershaw. Yes, yes, Richard is a lefty, but the Dodgers don’t fear that monster in the closet anymore (Los Dogs pulled Matt Moore’s head off a few days ago.)

Will Clayton #1 shut down Schimpf, Solarte, and Spangenberg? Will he stymie Sanchez and Sardinas? Will Clayton #2 topple Taylor, Toles, and Turner? Will he best Barnes and Bellinger? Will rascalsoftheravine rock out with Ram rooter, Rampage? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!