Kid Cody Topples Twins with Big Blast

roman castevet, Dodger trainer

July 25, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

After the dreaded speculation that King Kersh will remain on the DL for at least a month, the Dodgers certainly needed a pick-me-up yesterday. Cue Kid Cody and the Ravishing Ryu…Hyun-Jin pitched a decent five frames as he only surrendered a deuce…Cody clobbered a three-run shot (his 28th) to put the Dogs ahead for good in the eighth…final score Dodgers 6, Twins 4.

Did McCarthy really go on the DL for blister finger issues? 

Yes, which is really eerie because this is usually Rich Hill’s problem, which can only mean one thing…Hill has been cavorting with witches ala John Cassavetes in Rosemary’s Baby. A Roman Castevet-type warlock has helped Rich Hill transfer his affliction to another pitcher, namely McCarthy…their sinister plot is now unmasked and we shall—

How come the Loge Section doesn’t have any good grub?

What? We’re trying to uncover a major plot here—

Who cares? That’s boring. We want to know why we can’t get crazy food on the Loge Level. Y’know like a hot dog/hamburger mash-up on a waffle bun, or a fried chicken and bacon ice cream sandwich, or…

Okay, we’ll admit it…the Dodger Stadium Loge section has incredibly boring food…are you happy now?

Who’s pitching tonight?

Marvelous Maeda will take the hill. He does not have any pus-laden digits as far as we know…

What about for the Twinkies?

They’re sending Jose “Capitán Crunch” Berrios to the mound…Berrios’ nickname is, of course, derived from his addiction to Crunchberrios cereal, an extremely popular breakfast food in Puerto Rico.

What time does the game start?

Didn’t we go over this? Dennis Gilbert, Larry King, Charley Steiner, Rick Monday, and Mary Hart are all vampires…no daytime starts…they all hang out together during the day…if you want to see them, you have to go to that carousel on the Santa Monica Pier, it’s where they hang out all afternoon, like those cool cats in The Lost Boys…

Isn’t that carousel in T.J. Hooker a lot?

Jesus, this is a baseball blog, right? It was the last time we checked…okay, fine, it WAS in T.J. Hooker…Shatner and his shifting wig blew away many-a-scumbag there, happy now?

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!!

Break Out the Doan’s Pills, King Kersh Hits 10-Day DL

Kersh's remedy

July 24, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

First, the big news…

As most of you know by now, Kommander Kersh is tangoing to the 10-Day DL with right lower back tightness. McCarthy’s a mess, so the Dodgers will chuck Hyun-Jin Ryu out on the hill tonight (he’s been out for three weeks with mild eyebrow strain.) The Blue Crew weathered the Kersh-less storm last year fairly well. Do they have the depth to do it again? Most importantly, who will make the Subway runs for turkey (no mayo, just a dab of mustard) and jalapeño sandwiches in Clayton’s absence? We shall see…

It was a wild one yesterday…Bellinger hit number 27…Jansen blew the save…Forsythe singled in the winning run in the 10th…Dennis Gilbert gave hula lessons on top of Atlanta’s dugout after the game…

The Twins are coming!

Settle down, Larry King, we’re not talking about the Olsen twins. The Minnesota Twinkies are rolling into Chavez Ravine tonight 2.5 games out of first place in the AL Central.

We know about Mauer and Dozier but who else plays for Minnesota these days? They’re a bunch of mystery men…

Well, let’s see, there’s catcher, Jason Castro, great-grandson of Fidel…infielder Eduardo Escobar (he recently changed his name from Eduardo Eduardo as he’s trying to leave his dark past as a Venezuelan breakdancer behind him)…center fielder, Zack Granite, who, of course, was a smash sensation at Bedrock High before the Rockies signed him and eventually traded him to the Twins…his grandfather, Cary Granite, was a huge star in Hollyrock in the ‘60s…Brian Dozier, the sleeping pill magnate, needs no introduction…Max Kepler stole his name from a bit part in Guys and Dolls…his real name, as everyone knows, is Jonathan Fickle…

That about covers it. Wait, is Bartolo Colon really pitching for the Twins tonight?

Only after the Twins obtained a $500 Camacho’s Nachos gift card for Bartolo…that was non-negotiable in Colon’s contract. He also demanded a ticket in the all-you-can eat section of the bleachers, which is really unusual for a player…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Delight as Hill Chills Tomahawk Tossers

Matt Shemp

July 23, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Utley, Seager, and Taylor torpedoed Teheran. Hill’s ill bag of tricks fixed the Brave knaves…final score at the Ravine: Dodgers 6, Atlanta 2.

Matt Kemp (we almost typed Matt Shemp instead of Kemp…seems fitting, he was such a stooge) tried to spoil the fun in the top of the fifth inning with a game-tying RBI…Puig drove in Grandal to break the tie in the sixth…Matt Shemp…we can’t get over it…

Who’s pitching today?

Cue “Only Sixteen” by Sam Cooke as King Captain Commander Kersh will attempt to earn win one-six versus Sean Newcomb, a man who hasn’t actually purchased a comb in his entire life.

Dansby Swanson is playing for the Braves today, is he a character from a Fitzgerald novel?

Ha, no. Sure sounds like it, though.

Can Ender Inciarte really incinerate objects with his eyes?

Yes.

Is Freddie Freeman a character from the movie, Shaft?

Man, you’re on a roll.

Is Danny Santana a character from the TV show Miami Vice?

No, but Nick Markakis was in My Really Big Gigantically Fat Obese Greek Wedding…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Second-Rate Braves Scalp Stuporous Dodgers

my people call it maize

July 22, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Dodgers look stoned.

Dropping easy pop outs, swinging at crummy pitches, exchanging phone numbers with Charlie Sheen…who replaced the red-hot Dogs with the Bad News Bears, Mad Bum? We wouldn’t put it past that redneck freak to kidnap the entire Dodger squad and hole them up in one of his skinnin’ shacks in the south…

Final score at the Ravine: My People Call It Maize 12, Dodgers 3.

Alex Wood earned his first loss of the year, prompting pampered scribes to shout “how much wood can you really chuck”, at Alex as he retreated in tears toward his presumably giant home and obscenely huge pile of cash. Nothing like a cash bath to ease the pain of a hideous loss…hey, he can always hit up Carl Crawford if he burns through it too fast.

Who’s pitching tonight?

Rich “The Thrill” Hill (not nicknamed because of the fact that Hill rhymes with thrill, but because of his addiction to the Thriller album by Michael Jackson.) will take the hill with Bill, the honorary Dodger landscaper who has the honor of handing Rich the ball tonight…

Why all the night games at Dodger Stadium, you’d think they’d play in the sun once in a while?

Yeah we wondered about that…we thought about it for a while before the answer hit us over the head like a hammer, it’s so obvious…LARRY KING IS A VAMPIRE!

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Blasé Braves Beat Lackluster L.A.

noc-a-homa was king

July 21 by Shannon Michael Smith

The cracks in the starting rotation loomed large last night as Brandon McCarthy was knocked around pretty good by a bad Braves club that has inspired heap-big yawns all around the country.

The Dodgers managed to knock around Folty Towers a little bit before the boring Braves yanked him. Grandal (who underwent a root canal earlier in the day) hit a home run to end the starter’s night in the sixth inning. Los Dogs were stymied by the rain dance the bullpen laid on them post-Folty.

All-in-all the Dodgers just looked tired. Perhaps they need to consume more multi-vitamins. Some Geritol may help.

Who’s on the hill tonight?

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck? We’re talking about Alex Wood…just be glad we’re not laying any Woody Woodpecker jokes on you…

What’s the big promo at the Ravine?

Well, Teepee Tuesday is out…because it’s Friday…

Will Dave Vassegh dress up as Chief Noc-A-Homa again?

Nah, he wimped out after Iron Eyes Cody showed up at his house in tears.

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!

Dodgers Drub Hose in “Two-Game Tessie”

brave chart

July 20, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Steiner squawked this gem out last night during L.A.’s drubbing of the soiled Sox…“It’s one out and the Dodgers have the bases loaded…it’s my guess that Rick Renteria wishes he was too…”

Los Dogs easily defeated RODAN as they lit him up for a fin. They scored three off Beck and that was before he whipped out two turntables and a microphone…

Even God had seen enough as he saw fit to bring a torrential downpour to the GARF to end the Hose’s suffering after 7 1/2 innings…final score: Dodgers 9, White Sox 1.

Who’s in town tonight?

Matt Kemp and the Braves. Heap big ugh.

Who’s on the hill for Los Dogs?

The Grim Mortician. Let’s hope he doesn’t go all Mark Wohlers again.

Who’s hurling for The Team of the 90s?

Mike “Faulty Towers” Foltynewicz (not nicknamed Faulty Towers because of his love for the great show, but because the elevator is often broken in his apartment building).

What’s the promo at Dodger Stadium?

Tonight is “Fight Like A Brave”(TM owned by The Red Hot Chili Peppers) night…folks that arrive to the Ravine dressed in Indian costumes simply need to hand the deed to their homes over to a Dodger employee at the gate to receive a bottle of firewater in exchange….hey, don’t give us that look, it’s good whiskey!

Until next time, mirth seekers!

King Kershaw Clobbers Pale Hose, Dodgers Roll To 65

RODAN vs MAEDA

July 19, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Guaranteed Rate Field just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?

“Hey, man, what’s up?”

“Just headed to the GARF to catch a White Sox game.”

“The GARF?”

“Yeah, you know, the hip nickname for Guaranteed Rate Field…all the smart people are calling it the GARF now…”

“Oh, I get it now. The GARF…it feels good to say that.”

Purveyors of the Pale Hose, can you dig it? GARF T-shirts are flying off the shelves like hotcakes, GARF bumper stickers adorn the backsides of posh vehicles, the swirling smoke of GARF Indica plumes from the bong of John Cusack…

Until…

Cue the Blue Tornado, A Tasmanian Devil-esque twister of total destruction….some call them Los Demon Dogs…others El Diablo Azul…

Are you guys talking about the Dodgers?

You bet, Flounder.

Did King Kersh hold off the South Siders?

It was a close one, 1-0, but yeah, he did. Lord Bellinger drove in the lone run. Kersh is now 15-2…it is mind-boggling to think that the Dodgers could have 70 wins heading into August.

Who’s on the mound tonight?

The original five-inning fanny himself, Kenta Maeda. He’s only seen the sixth inning three times this year…although he’s won his last three out of four starts.

Who’s hurling for the White Sox?

Maeda looked very nervous when RODAN was announced as his opponent. After a very tense four-hour discussion between his interpreter and MLB officials, Maeda was made to understand that he would be facing Carlos Rodon and not RODAN, the daikaiju monster from the Godzilla movies…

Do the Dodgers return to Los Angeles after the game tonight?

Yes, this is just a “Two-game Tessie”.

What does that mean?

It means it’s not a three-game series. The term originates from 1905 when ballplayers would shack up with various concubines on road trips. A girl that stayed in a player’s hotel room for more than one night was known as a “Two-game Tessie”…

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Reach 64, Vow To Feed Paul McCartney

rascalsoftheravine builds things

July 17, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

We’ll shout it from the mountaintops! The Dodgers are rolling like…Jelly Roll Morton. Another series, another sweep. Final score at the Miami fish fry: Dodgers 3, Marlins 2.

Some pampered scribes believe that merely mentioning the Dodgers’ success will somehow jinx them. Poppycock! Enjoy this run no matter what happens because sitting on your hands and praying for a World Series victory is silly, Billy. Tell your grandma, tell your parole officer, tell the guy who works at the Dairy Queen drive-thru: Los Dogs are on fire. While you’re there, ask the guy at the DQ window if they still have the cherry-dipped cones, we dig those.

The same flaws that plagued the club in playoff runs of the past are still there (an unproven starting staff post-Kersh, the injury bug waiting in the wings, Kenley Jansen’s bad breath) so don’t get us wrong, it’s just that the Dodgers are firing on all cylinders and it’s been a gas to see (that Bellinger kid’s been kinda fun too.)

Who’s Next?

Is an overrated album…we much prefer The Who Sell Out. Oh! You mean who do the Dodgers play next…why, the Pale Hose, of course! Yes, we’re talking about the Chicago White Stockings…

Will King Kersh win his 15th game?

Is the sky blue?

Who’s hurling for the South Siders?

Miguel Gonzalez, a man who’s AC joint (that’s the joint that air conditions your body) has been more inflamed than our staff was after that disappointing viewing of More American Graffiti.

What will the Dodgers do on their day off in Chicago today?

They’re going on a guided tour of the Windy City, led by Matthew Broderick, natch.

Did you know that John Hughes was actually a White Sox fan?

We’ve always preferred argyle ourselves.

Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Bellinger Rides His Cyc In Marlins Park, Annoys Groundskeepers

va va vooom

July 16, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

What’s next, five jacks in one game?

Cody B. continues to confound opposing clubs as he hit for the cycle yesterday at Marlins Park. He is the first Dodger rookie to do so and the tenth overall. As we mentioned yesterday, you can’t take your eyes off this Dodger club, they are BONAFIDE must-see tv (Dan Patrick Show ™.)

Oh, by the way, Wood improved to 11-0. Final score, Dodgers 7, Marlins 1.

Charley Steiner was in a tizzy over the Pantone 294 fun-bunch yesterday. He marveled at their road warrior-ability (including their shock appearance at Yankee Stadium) to take over a ballpark. They were partying like mad dogs down the right field line, which prompted Steiner to point out how much mirth they were making “they’ve got their sunglasses on at night.” Translation = some of them are as high as kites, looks like a ball!

Los Dogs have won eight-in-a-row. They will go for the sweep (WE DO NOT GET TIRED OF TYPING THAT) today at Fish Fry Park.

What’s the big promo down there today?

Today is “Gilligan’s Island” day. A lucky guy will be randomly chosen from the crowd and whisked off to a remote private island for a month. Don’t worry, folks, he won’t be alone. Gary Busey will be along for the ride to play the role of “The Skipper”, Christina Hendricks will handle the role of Ginger (boy, will she ever!) and Jim Irsay will portray Mr. Howell. The entertainment provided (other than Ginger) will be a radio that only receives Marlins broadcasts…which is a form of torture now that we think about it…

Who’s pitching?

Rich Hill will be…running up that hill (Kate Bush ™) to face Chris O’ Grady, potato-famine survivor.

Will O’Grady whistle the Irish Spring theme endlessly on the mound? Will he chase invisible Lucky Charms leprechauns around the home plate umpire? Can he keep from chugging copious amounts of Jamesons in between innings?

Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Papa-Oom-Mow-Mow! Puig Pulverizes Marlin Men

apple screws rascalsoftheravine

July 15, 2017 by Shannon Michael Smith

Well, if all they had to do was surround Puig with young superstars to take the pressure off, why the heck didn’t they do it before?

We keeeeeedddd, but, seriously, you can’t take your eyes off this Dodger club, they’re approaching ’98 Yankees territory for corn’s sake! Los Dogs were down to their final strike in the land of Crockett and Tubbs when peligroso Puig packed a pitch full of TNT and sent the Dodger bench into hysterics.

Final score: Dodgers 6, Miami 4.

Apple News Publisher is killing this blog. 

Y’see, most of you fine folks don’t read rascalsoftheravine through the blog itself, you tune into the Apple News Channel version, however, the site has been down FOR A FREAKING WEEK and the dispsh*% geek motherf*&#**S haven’t done sh*& to fix it!!! We apologize on their smug behalf and sincerely hope their headquarters sink into the ground at the hands of the Moleman or some other supervillain, STAT!

Why does Apple hate you guys so much?

They’re all pissed-off Giants fans, natch.

At least one of your writers is from Los Gatos, can’t he bribe Woz or something?

The last time we bribed Woz was in ’82 when we gave him two cases of White Castle to let us pick all the bands for the US Festival’s lineup on Friday, September 3rd (look up the talent folks, it puts Coach-hell-a to shame.) Woz’ prices have gone up significantly. Now he wants three cases and we just can’t afford it.

That sucks, what are you going to do?

Well, we called Sammy Hagar, Rob Halford, and Klaus Meine…we agreed that there’s nothing left to do but storm the castle. We’re going to drink twenty pitchers of Waboritas and burn the place down.

Will you kill every man, woman, and child in the building?

Wait, children work there? Damn, they truly are evil.

Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!