Spotlight on Scully’s Special Night…Stupendous!


September 24, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Not a dry eye in the freaking house. Not one. We’re talking about Vin Scully Night at Dodger Stadium, of course (he’ll call his final game at Chavez on Sunday.) Rascalsoftheravine is staffed with bitter old men, so it takes quite a bit to move any of our sour scribes…hats off to Kevin Costner for his tear-jerking tribute…Field of Dreams, indeed!

Yeah, it sounds super-corny on paper (Vin was even awarded the Key to the City), but the emotion was genuine, much like the ’99 All-Star Game, it felt very real and uncontrived.

What’s the magic number, you ask? TWO! Yes, folks, Los Dogs could clinch the division tonight with a win at the Ravine and a Giant loss in San Diego.

If the season ended today, the Dodgers would face the Washington Nationals in the first round of the playoffs. Los Dogs played the Nats well this year (they won 5 out of 6, we think…) so a first round matchup would suit them well (yes, we realize we said that the Dodgers wouldn’t make the playoffs at the start of the season, we’ll give ourselves a report card, and you can read it, two days after the season ends.)

It looks like the final three games in San Fran will be utterly and completely meaningless. That’s okay, we’ll take the division clinch early…we really feel sorry (NOT) for those fans in Frisco that have to watch the Dodgers act all giddy as they strut around their field (we wonder what lame phone company owns the naming rights to their band box now) as NL West Champs. That’s right chucks, drown on that battery acid, DROWN WE SAY!

Clayton Kershaw (11-3 1.73 ERA) will take the hill for the Dodgers tonight, Chad Bettis (13-7 4.79 ERA) gets the start for the Rocks. Will Kersh help clinch with killer curves to Cardullo? Will Bettis eat lettuce with Anthony Pettis? Will rascalsoftheravine chomp jelly beans at Oliver Queen’s? It remains to be seen! Until tomorrow, mirth-seekers!!!

Grandal’s Salami Shocks Rocks


September 23, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Brett Anderson wasn’t any better than we expected him to be, as he coughed up four runs in five innings before getting yanked for Josh Ravin (or “Lucky” as they called him in Spring Training.) According to Vin, “Five-Inning Fannies” are the wave of the future. As if pitching changes don’t slow down the game enough…but, if F.I.F.s get the Dodgers to the World Series, then who gives a damn.

What do the following have in common? Suzi Quatro, the golf term that means “get the hell out of the way”, and the Huey Lewis album that features the track “Hip to be Square”?

That’s right, folks, with the 7-4 win last night, Los Dogs’ magic number is now a fab FOUR. Fore is the name of Lewis’ fourth album, but you knew that already…Gang of Four, anyone? Bob James’ Fourplay?

Normally, we shudder at the thought of ANOTHER contest with the Rockies (their 37th face off this year…or at least, it seems like it) but last night’s game was pretty thrilling. A LOT of Dodger cranks, bugs, and fanatics were on hand (nearly 50,000) for a Thursday night game against the Purple Gang. There was a bevy of freaks behind home plate as well…like the cast of a Fellini movie or a David Lee Roth video…one guy wore a pith helmet…another had a monocle and a parakeet on his shoulder…various members of the cartel appeared to be on hand…was Wes Anderson casting at the Ravine last night or what?

Scott Kazmir (good God, no) will try to worm his way back into the rotation. The bona fide “Five-Inning Fannie” (10-6 4.59 ERA) will face off against Jon Gray in a contest that’s sure to draw various members of the Hell’s Angels, the cast of Cirque du Soleil, and hordes of drunken luchadors…

Will Gray go gaga on Grandal and Gonzalez? Will Kaz’ jive go beyond five? Is Walt Weiss afraid of mice…and does he have lice? Will he drink pumpkin spice with Heidi Fleiss? Stay tuned! Until tomorrow, mirth-seekers!

Puig Flamethrows Frisco! U Mad Bum?


September 22, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Ah, sweet justice. LOOK AT HIM!!! LOOOOOOOK!!!! The Giants, including their own inbred psycho, Mad Bum (or is it Bad Mum?) were forced to watched Puig smash their hopes into that loooooonnnng Chavez night as Los Dogs crushed the syph-ridden spazoids of San Fran, 9-3.

The Dodgers hit LAX last night to board a plane to Mile High City (insert legal weed jokes here) because there’s…wait for it…a four-game series with the Rockies ahead! Woooo hoooo…woo…hoo…woo…hooo

Ah, who are we kidding, it’s snoresville until the next series with Bochy’s botulistic bastards…

Tyler Chatwood will take the hill for the Rockies tomorrow, or is it Woodchat? A Wood Chat seems like something Mad Bum and his inbred ilk would do on a Friday night…go have a wood chat and drink some shine and kill some badgers with your bare hands…whoopie!

Brett Anderson (good God, no seriously? Are we doing this again?) will make his third start of the year and last approximately ten minutes before he clutches his back and is shuttled from the field. Hey, good news, Brett, weed’s legal there, you could hit a dispensary and be back at the stadium before the game’s even over! We jest, weed’s pretty much legal here too, all you need is a quack and fifty bucks…UPDATE…the game is here in LA, now’s who’s high, huh?

Will Tyler Chatwood chit chat with woodchucks? Will he cha-cha-cha with Chase and Charlie? Will Anderson angle Adames and Arenado? Will rascalsoftheravine move to Mile High in search of Hile Migh? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Nine-Hit, No-Run Ninnies Fall to Frisco


September 21, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

The sacrifice bunt continues to be ignored as Los Dogs parked their runners, and paid the price, in the 2-0 loss to the scum of San Fran.

Johnny Cueto (no, he isn’t a former member of Musical Youth who’s gone hideously fat) barely made it past five innings as the hated ones relied on their shaky bullpen to get it done. Rich Hill (who only surrendered one run) takes the tough loss to bring his record to 12-5.

Maeda will get the start tonight for Los Dogs after only four days rest…which means we should do cartwheels if he gets through four innings. Matt Moore (who was nicknamed M&M in school, due to the number of M&Ms he was able to shove up his rectum) will take the hill for the hated ones.

Does Matt Moore listen to Eminem on the Moors? Will Kenta Maeda manage Matt Moore in a Metallica mashup? Can rascalsoftheravine handle six more hideously dull games with the Rockies and Padres? HELL NO! We don’t care if Vin broadcasts naked, those games are going to drain your brain! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Dodgers Shun Dum Dum Scum Mad Bum


September 20, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Cue “This Is It” by Kenny Loggins, ‘cause the whole season comes down to these final six games with the hated ones and last night did not disappoint as Los Dogs crushed Giant gonads in the ninth to take the contest, 2-1.

Hey, Mad Bum! We know you’re a mentally challenged (nice beady eyed thousand-yard stare by the way, ya phony) mouth-breather from Hickory, North Carolina, (where they battle giant beavers as children) but to challenge a man that fought sharks barehanded on a raft from Cuba is…par for the course…carry on, Einstein.

Mad Bum’s psycho move is one of the reasons we’ve been looking forward to this series. A pink tea, it isn’t, as these two teams are finally at each other’s throats again (there hasn’t been a lot of bad blood in the other face offs this season) as the season boils down to these remaining five games (the Giants are on the ropes now.)

The tale of the second half can be told by the bullpen, the Dodgers have a rock solid ‘pen, the Giants (as we all witnessed last night) don’t. Kershaw was fine, but all Dodger fans knew he wasn’t getting anywhere past the sixth (we’d be surprised if Roberts himself doesn’t tuck in pitchers every night and jam pacifiers in their mouths.)

Rich Hill (12-4 2.06 ERA) will get the start tonight for Los Dogs. Johnny Cueto will take the hill for the hated ones. Is Rich Hill rich? Does he own a hill? Is Johnny Cueto two letters away from being a mid-shelf tequila? Is Johnny Cueto the name of a Dominican pimp, or a Caribbean version of Arch Hall Jr.? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Snake Bit! Dogs Split Series in AZ


September 19, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Thank God it’s over. We won’t have to look at the Diamondbacks until 2017 (when Los Dogs play them another 16 times…eeeeessshhh.) Don’t worry though, there are still twelve games left, half of which will be played against other division snores, the Padres and the Rockies, yippeeeee!

The good thing is, there are six games left against the hated ones. Los Dogs are either headed to the playoffs, or will participate in a horrible end-of-season collapse.

To say this year is unconventional is a grand understatement. The Dodgers have won with duct tape and gorilla glue. On paper, they stink on ice, yet their five-inning starters have worked, thanks to a rock solid bullpen and some super sticks.

Can the bullpen continue their success into the playoffs? Can the Dodgers best the Cubs’ top three hurlers? Will Dave Roberts take the training wheels off the ankles of his starters?

We get the sense that San Fran gave up on their team after the All-Star break. Gone is the usual hubris, haranguing, and hash breath. If we stopped typing for a minute, we could hear the chorus of crickets from Frisco. What gives, battery chucks?

Britain’s number one male stripper, The Mad Bum, will get the start for the hated ones. Clayton Kershaw will take the hill for Los Dogs.

Will Mad Bum’s balls be bungled by Belt, Blanco, and Brown?  Will Kershaw calypso with Crawford? Will he pulverize Pagan, Panik, Parker, Pence, and Posey? Will rascalsoftheravine stop grinning like idiots over the Rams win yesterday? Stay tuned! Until tomorrow, mirth-seekers!

“Five-Inning Fannie” Sheds Snakes


September 17, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

The Dodgers relied on another solid outing from the ‘pen, as Kenta Maeda (or “Five-Inning Fannie” as he’s known around these parts) lasted…you guessed it, five innings. He’s done it all year. On another team with a lesser bullpen, he’s probably looking at a 7-9 record with tons o’ no decisions…

Today is the fifteenth Dodger/Diamondback matchup this year. Fifteen. MLB wonders why millennials and kids think that baseball’s boring and then they schedule sixteen sad snores with the Snakes. How about a home series against the Yankees? Nah, we’ll have the Rockies roll into town for the third time this year…awful…clueless…

MLB has bloated the schedule with divisional match ups that they think will be exciting (teams move up and down in their divisions faster) but in reality are duller than insurance conventions. Nobody wants to see the same old boring faces all year. This four-game yawner against the Snakes is ridiculous. Hey, it’s a good thing we get to see the Rockies three more times this year (said NO ONE EVER!!!!!)

Brock Stewart (1-2 6.55 ERA) will take the hill today for the Dodgers, Shelby Miller (2-11 7.12 ERA) gets the start for the Snakes.

Will—-no, no, we can’t muster up alliteration for this yawner…we just can’t…no alliteration until the Giants games, do you hear us? NO FRUIT CUP FOR YOU! Until next time, mirth-seekers!!!

Big 5 Ain’t No Jive, Dogs Expand Lead In NL West


September 14, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

Yankee Stadium felt Zeus’ wrath today in a rainy rubber match that ended up going the Dodgers way, 2-0. A Seager steal and a Kringle double delivered dual blows to the bum Bronx Bombers to take the series.

After lasting three innings in his last start in Miami, Clayton Kershaw’s clinic commenced of five scoreless innings as Dayton took over in the top of the sixth.

The Dodgers are now five games above the Giants in the NL West.

Los Dogs head to the Valley of the Sun to shake it up with the Snakes tomorrow. The big series against the Giants starts on Monday.

Vin Scully will call his final six games at Dodger Stadium next week (he’s already said “nyet” to the postseason.) We’ll serve up a scrumptious SuperScully series dedicated to the greatest baseball announcer who ever lived, keep your peepers peeled for that palaver, post-snakes!

Remember those clowns that were haunting the woods of South Carolina a couple of weeks ago? Even they had a problem with Dave Roberts’ move to yank poor Rich Hill from a potentially perfect performance. Hill will take another shot at being yanked from a career moment tomorrow night at 6:10. Archie Bradley will start for Los Snakes.

Will Hill get ill and watch Kill Bill? Will Bradley bring brash balls at blinkered bashers? Will rascalsoftheravine be mean to the ghost of Steve McQueen? It remains to be seen! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Bronx Bombed as Dogs Spank Yanks, 8-2


September 13, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

If they make it there, can they make it anywhere?

A giant army of Blue Crew soldiers showed up in the Bronx last night like they owned the place (look up Pantone 294 for more info), we can’t recall a rowdier scene in terms of visiting fans. Ellsbury claimed it was louder than when the Red Sox roll into Yankee Stadium. Dodger fans certainly had plenty to cheer about as they pummeled the Bronx Bombers with bloated bats of their own. Final score: Dodgers 8, Yankees 2.

Everyone but Joc Pederson seemed to get in on the action. The RBI party included Gonzo (79th RBI of the year), Seager (69), Kendrick (36), Puig (40), and Turner (80).

DeLeon gave up two runs in five innings (we’re out of fifth inning jokes) worth of work. Baez, Dayton, Blanton, and Fields all managed scoreless frames.

Ballparks seem to be out of ideas when it comes to wacky theme nights these days. How many freaking Star Wars nights can you have? We’d love to see a Warriors night at Yankee Stadium. Can you imagine? Nothing would make our hearts sing with joy like the sight of the bleachers packed with Baseball Furies clones. They could sell candy switchblades and cigarettes to the kiddos. How come we’re not running a MLB promo department by now? Think of all the wasted ideas!

Teen Titan Julio Urias (5-2 3.69 ERA) will take on C.C. Sabathia (8-12 4.27 ERA) tonight.

Will C.C. suck down Seagrams and seven and sevens before the seventh inning? Will the torpid teenager tango with Texeira and Torreyes? Will rascalsoftheravine get over the hideous Rams loss last night (we doubt it)? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!

Miami Mice Doom Dodgers, Roberts Still Stinks


September 11, 2016 by Shannon Michael Smith

As if last night’s mommy-move by Dave Roberts wasn’t bad enough, the Dodgers dumped the rubber match to Mattingly’s Marlins today, 3-0.

The 136 people who watched the contest were unaware that today is the first NFL Sunday of the season…or perhaps they are Dolphins fans that are cognizant of the team’s chances this year.

We’re still tasting the bitter bile that was Roberts’ decision to pull Rich Hill after seven innings of perfect baseball last night. Rich Hill will probably be playing golf in four weeks. The move to yank him in a career moment (in freaking September) was a kick in the groin to Hill and every baseball fan in the universe. Pampered scribes (of course) were quick to back Roberts’ ridiculous move like the suck-up sycophants they are. We’ll let you know when their lips unclamp from Dave’s nuts (hint: never.)

As much as we hated Roberts’ two historic yanks this year (he gave Stripling the hook during a no-hitter in April) it probably won’t affect his overall grade that much in our post-season review (don’t worry, we’ll also turn the flamethrower on ourselves and let you know what we correctly and incorrectly predicted throughout the season.) Look for that dandy article about two days after the season’s close (includes postseason.)

The Dodgers travel to the Bronx today (we mean New York City…like they’re staying in a hotel in the Bronx or something…we would pay to see that) to prepare for their contest with the Yankees tomorrow. Dave Roberts is prepared to shut down any pitcher in a key moment in their career (just in case.)

Will Roberts give tough tonic to the troops like his main mama Mary Poppins? Will Girardi drink Bacardi and scare senior citizens and small children with his veiny arms and rubber face? Have pampered scribes unlocked their lips from Roberts’ shriveled nuts yet? Stay tuned! Until next time, mirth-seekers!